3 weeks later
"I've gained two pounds." I tell Dr. Aldrich through the screen.
I'm proud of those two pounds, they haven't been easy.
"That's great Holt." She smiles at me warmly.
I know she knows me well enough that I don't have to tell her I haven't been following my physical restrictions to the T. If I was, I probably would have gained more than two pounds this past month.
"I'm trying not to go to the gym by my house." I tell her anyway. "But I do. Not everyday."
Dr. Aldrich has always been calm waters, nothing I've ever said has ever caused a ripple and I cling to that consistency in moments like this. When I confess I haven't listened.
Austin's demand for absolute obedience hasn't necessarily given up its hold on me. Or maybe I'm just prone to be obedient. My mind still always searches for the right answers.
"As long as you're aware and you're trying Holt, that's all we want." Her tone hasn't changed, her demeanor steady and I let out a breath.
"I am."
Her smile softens even more and she says "I know."
The past few weeks have been a challenge. The days have blurred, accentuated by panic attacks even though my body has adjusted to the influx and then decrease of my medication. I feel like I'm in a good spot with it now, the medication fending off the worst attacks but the smaller ones still come. The ones that steal the air from my lungs in an instant, that rattle me, that give me glimpses of the past as it eats up the present. But I've gotten good at talking myself out of them, shoving away the horrors of Austin and finding all the things that are real. They leave me exhausted but at least I don't completely lose myself.
"Before we hang up, update me on Navy." Dr. Aldrich asks and any anxiety that was clinging to me falls away as my mind focuses on Navy.
A smile tugs at the corner of my mouth, this has been the one thing I've been looking forward to. "I get to bring her home this week."
————————
Vida and I walk together after we part ways with Niko. We've passed multiple courts but Vida's been talking and she hasn't even stopped to glance at one.
My thoughts are focused on her, on the project she's working on with a friend in her class, memories of high school trickling into my mind.
There's parts of high school I long for but they all center around Drew. And as soon as he's in my thoughts I think of his son. I've been trying to get myself to commit to a time to meet him but I've been unsteady the past several weeks as my lawyers all but demand me to recite my statement on repeat. I know why, they're trying to make sure it's right, that it'll impact the Board in my favor. But all it's really done is make me relive the nightmare that was my childhood and the flashbacks have been coming for me hard.
"So have you talked to Julia?" Vida asks as if she can read my thoughts.
But she's curious about Jack. Of course she is, Vida always has looked at the world in a way I've never been capable of, open and fearless.
It's not that I don't want to meet Jack.
"No." Her eyebrow raises, a mischievous look starting to dance across her features and I shake my head. "I will."
"Come on. Go meet him, I'll go with you." She offers.
It's an overcast day as we walk through the streets, the crowds thinning as kids go in different directions, dispersing through the city. I have a light hoodie on, my hood up and my hands buried in my pockets. Vida walks beside me with her spine straight, her golden curls blowing in the wind that drifts through the city and her blue eyes are bright and ready to take on anything.
I love that she's so sure of herself.
"Here I'll call Julia, see if they're even around." She pulls her phone from her pocket and anxiety blooms through my chest.
"Vida.."
Her blue eyes meet mine, phone pressed to her ear. Her gaze is reassuring, certain of her actions as she answers me with my name, "Holt".
Part of me desperately hopes Julia doesn't answer. The part of me that doesn't like the charity, that fears a date on a calendar, that still has his number in my phone because I can't bear to see his name gone from my list of contacts.
"Hey Julia! Are you and Jack home? I'm with Holt and we thought we might stop by if it's a good time for you?" She rattles off cheerily into the phone.
I'm aware of how hard my heart is beating, slamming in my body it leaves my frame trembling. I shouldn't be this afraid of meeting Jack. But what if he's just like Drew? What if he's nothing like him?
"Awesome!" Vida beams, her arm looping through mine and she pulls us toward the direction of Julia's. "See you shortly!"
Vida doesn't have time to pocket her phone before I announce "I don't think I can do this."
"Sure you can." She tells me.
Our strides match as I let her take me toward Julia's, my thoughts going rampant as Drew fills my thoughts. From our summers spent on the road during summer break in college, coaxing me out of my shell without ever losing his patience, steadying me through college, the close quarters of the dorms, always stepping in when words left me. There were so many things I never thanked Drew for, so many things I wish he was here for.
"This is a good thing." Vida says as we take the steps that lead up to Julia and Charlie's apartment complex door.
"What if I mess up? What if I let Drew down?" The thoughts tumble out of me so quickly.
I don't like that I'm burdening Vida with my fears, that I'm rigid beside her and my breathing is shallow. She shouldn't be taking care of me, yet here she is wiser than her sixteen years.
Her finger presses the buzzer and the door clicks allowing us to enter.
"You won't let him Holt, I promise."
My feet feel heavy, made of stone but I trudge up the carpeted steps behind Vida as she talks over her shoulder.
"How do you know?" I ask her.
She smiles at me, warmth radiating from her. "Because Holt, you're you."
I don't understand what she means by it but I don't ask as we reach Julia's floor. We walk down the hall, the lights dim, making it feel more like a tunnel and a memory rushes to the front of my thoughts. A memory of Drew, when he was in the hospital after his first attempt. I had gone, hoping to walk in head held high and say all the right things.
I didn't.
I was so terrified of losing him, I never actually managed to see him.
Vida knocks on a door, her arm still linked through mine, her other hand coming up to squeeze my arm reassuringly. I stretch my hand down, hoping to conjure up Blue in my mind, I need the comfort, the security but it's all so fleeting as the door swings open and Julia greets us.
But I can't focus on Julia as my eyes drift behind her to a boy lingering deeper in the apartment. He's tall, taller than I am, his shoulders straight as he stands relaxed in the distance. His skin the color of milk chocolate, dark hair short.
He looks like Drew, the same jawline, the same clear blue eyes, but the thing that steals all the breath from my lungs is the easy smile that pulls at the corners of his face as Vida greets him. I'm stuck outside the door frame, Julia waiting at the doorway, watching as Vida shakes Jack's hand.
"Crazy huh?" Julia murmurs beside me. "Come in Holt."
It's too similar, too familiar, it's like I'm watching Drew.
——————————
Double update so CayteHTSVRYN doesn't
feel ghosted. Plus ya know, ya'll wanted more on Jack.
