My CPTSD is in full force. A lack of sleep coupled with night terrors and a panic attack first thing in the morning has left me drained but as we neared the prison I felt fear awaken every cell in my body. An electric beat pulsing through my veins until my hyper vigilance overran everything leaving me a tremoring mess. My parents have been constantly reassuring me, my dad cautious in his approaches, his tone extra soft because even though I don't mean to, it's caused me to flinch. My mom watches me with worried eyes, whispering a string of assurances to me, that I'm safe, that I'm okay, that I can change my mind. But I can't and I'm here and I'm so sick and tired of Austin winning.
Jason pulls a chair across the floor, the sound a high pitched screeching and every muscle in my body tightens. I'm waiting for an impact that won't come but yet I still can't scrape the memories from my mind.
"Okay." Tess says as we all take a seat in the room we've been directed to. There's nothing in here, the walls cement, folding chairs lined up in front of a window that looks into another room. The air is warm but I can feel the dampness that lives in the room when it's not occupied. "That's a two way mirror. Austin won't even know you're here."
It doesn't make me feel any better.
I hold a treat in my hand, Navy shifting herself in between my legs and I take the extra slack in her leash up. She searches for the treat, her big head on my leg and I pet her hoping it'll keep me steady enough.
"We can still leave." My dad says.
But I don't have words to answer him. I'm trying to keep my breathing normal, to force out the feeling of Austin's hands on my body, to ignore the jolts of fear and pain that come hurtling from the past lashing out at me.
I close my eyes, trying desperately to fill my lungs with a deep calming breath but even I can hear how unsteady it is.
"Honey.." my mom's voice comes to me gently. "You're safe."
I don't know if she's even thinking about it but in response I say "please don't touch me".
"No ones going to touch you."
It's a fine line that I'm balancing. Anxiety races through me, my body rocking, a constant motion that attempts to soothe me but this waiting, god this waiting is torture. It reminds me of the hours I spent in the basement. Locked away with nothing but the memories of him until he returned to do what he pleased.
Navy nudges my hand, searching for another treat. I can't focus long enough to give her one.
"The parole board just sat." Tess says.
Some strangled noise leaves me and I feel the weight of Navy's paws on my legs, her breath on my face. I listen to her nose sniffing my hair, her panting as she straddles my lap and without thinking I wrap my arms around her pulling her close like Blue always let me do.
"They should be bringing Austin in shortly." Tess updates us.
I keep my eyes closed, pushing away visions of Austin's face and replacing them with Navy. My heart pounds, my lungs seizing in my chest. He can't get me. This isn't the basement. He can't touch me anymore.
"I still want to kill him." I hear my dad mutter.
"You're okay Holt." My mom murmurs.
A voice crackles through the speakers in the room, "please state your name".
I'm not ready to hear his voice again, sucking in a breath. But even through the looming panic attack, that desperate urge that drove me here fires up inside me. My eyes snap open, finding the monster of my childhood as he says "Austin Porter".
