I'm slow to climb out of my parents car, my body exhausted and my mind spent. The air is warm, the late afternoon soon still hot as it beats down on all the little suburban houses that line the roads neatly. Cars line the road, clustered around Mo's driveway, all of us have come together.
Vida gives Birdie a sideways hug as they walk, my dad following behind them by the time both my feet hit the pavement. I had a bad panic attack a few hours prior and it left me with a fog I can't shake, even after a meeting with Dr. Trent and a call from Dr. Aldrich.
"Come on." I tell Navy quietly, she slinks out of the car with more grace than me.
Every year we do this, but it still hasn't gotten easier.
"Honey." My mom says, her hand touching my arm gently as she draws my focus to her.
Her eyes are filled with concern, tracing over the shadows under my eyes and gaunt frame. I haven't managed to put any weight on but I'm not losing any either and I think that's a small victory.
I don't even try to offer any fake reassurances, I'm not okay. And no pretending will convince anyone.
Tears well up in my eyes, a flood gate opening that I have absolutely no control over and I say the only thing that even sort of comes close to how I feel.
"I hate this."
My dad comes back, having noticed we haven't moved as my mom pulls me into her for a hug. I think I might have relived that night a million times over. And it's never gotten easier. I can still hear that tortured noise that broke from me as I crumbled in the hallway of my parents house, my mom there, pulling me close.
"We'll make it through this time just like we've done every other time." My dad says, his arm encircling us.
And I suppose maybe he's right. After all we have every year since he died.
————————
"God he had no shame." Alec laughs.
We all smile, having taken over Mo's living room. Mo, Ava, Ruby and my parents have gone to the front porch, enjoying the sunset as we let dinner settle. Last I saw Vida she was enraptured with Owen's daughter and Aiden's been sucked into his phone. But the rest of us have come together, old memories of Drew being retold. I have a beer in my hand, my face warm as alcohol mingles in my veins. It leaves me tired, my body heavy and my anxiety slow to rise.
"He used to sleep naked all the time in our dorm." I say.
Drew's complete lack of modesty always made me uneasy. I was the opposite, hiding away in the bathroom as I avoided my own reflection. My own nakedness was triggering, the basement clawing at my present. But Drew didn't seem to care who saw him. I had asked him once, why he was so comfortable, he just shrugged and said "everyone's got the same parts more or less. You've either got a dick or you've seen a dick."
"Could you imagine sharing a dorm with him, he was such a slob." Owen muses. "I give you props Holt."
Owen's leaned back on the couch, Mina tucked under his right arm. He has his right leg stretched out in front of him, a sign that he's in discomfort not that he's letting on. A beer in his left hand that rests on his thigh.
I shrug, rooming with Drew was one of the best times of my life. "It wasn't bad."
Birdie takes a sip of her wine, all of us momentarily silent as the next story begins to take form. Jack sits beside Julia, quiet and alert, soaking each story in with wide eyes and tentative smiles.
"Do you remember that dare he did, we were like what 15 or 16?" Owen says to Alec.
"Which one, there were so many." He laughs.
