Ross had no news for me at practice. I also had to weigh in with the nutritionist. At least it went a little better than I expected, I gained two pounds but I'm still not allowed to play. Coach said maybe in another week or two I can start back small as long as I keep the scale moving up.
I don't love it. I want to play. I want to practice. I want to lose myself for a few hours in the game I love.
Instead I spent the entirety of practice tormenting myself with Raf and my meeting with my lawyers. By the time I left, I still had no solutions, no answers and a mountain of anxiety. I should have taken Ross up on his offer for a ride home but I thought a walk might do me good.
It didn't help and if Birdie hadn't been home when I got there, I definitely would have gone to the other gym. She kept me occupied as I followed after her running errands that looked more like shopping than anything. But it was a distraction and it kept me out of the gym.
But now we sit in a conference room at my lawyers and any sort of distraction I might have had is gone, the reality of my life hurtling back to me with so much force it almost sends me straight to the basement. I sit rigid, relentlessly telling myself that I'm safe, reminding myself where I am, that Austin isn't out, not yet at least. I can't focus on all that my lawyers and parents have been talking about, I'm hoping it's mostly formalities.
Navy's leash is clenched in my fist as I stare at the table. My parents to my one side, Birdie to the other as the topic switches to what to expect as Austin's parole hearing grows near.
"I'll be leaving tomorrow with Jason to be there as your representative." Tess says, she's my preferred lawyer out of the two. A no bullshit woman who intimidates the hell out of me but also I know she's going to do everything she can for me. Jason is equally as competent and together I like to believe that Austin will never stand a chance but also no one knows Austin like I do.
I know exactly what he's capable of.
Tess starts going over the details, a play by play of what will happen even though I'm not supposed to be there. We all agreed I'd be better off not going. But I'm hit with this sudden urge, my mind recalling Dr. Trent's question the other day. It overwhelms me, coming from what seems like nowhere, filling my thoughts with demands and what if's until I hear myself say "I want to go".
Panic tries to push whatever this urge is back down, the two fighting for control as my eyes widen and I push my hand down farther to try and find Navy. She searches for a treat but I'm empty handed, a small sliver of comfort passing through me as I sink my fingertips into her fur and feel the warmth of her body, the solidness of her.
"What?" It's a collective gasp from the entire table, my lawyers included.
"Holt honey..." my mom starts and I sense her shift as she goes to reach for me.
But my heart is erratically pounding and the walls feel like they're closing in on me and I can't bear the thought of anyone touching me at the moment. I shift my hand away, shaking my head slightly because whatever this need is, it's demanding.
"I-I want to go." I say a little louder, hoping I sound more confident than I am.
"Hell no." My dad says. I can just barely see him shake his head. "Nope, no, no way."
The lawyers have gone silent, waiting out our interaction.
"Dad..."
"No Holt, you owe that man nothing." My dad's words are harsh, his anger rising up.
My eyes are blurry, the mahogany table that we are sitting at shining under the lights. I try to focus on the dark lines of the grain that weave through the rich red but I keep losing them to tears.
"I need to know that I won." I whisper it, my voice shaking. "That I beat him at his game."
His stupid games. The games I could never figure out. The ones he always claimed if I played correctly would lessen my punishments.
I did everything I could think of. I fought, I submitted, I took it quietly, I screamed, I begged, I hid, I stayed two steps ahead and two steps behind, I told myself not to run, I ran. I gave up. I tried to disappear. I never won.
And isn't that the point of a game, to win?
I want to win this one, I need to win it. I need to see him. I need to see him and know that no matter what happens with the parole hearing, that I can walk out and he can't do a damn thing about it.
My body shakes, I hold onto Navy tighter, she shifts so her body is pressed against my leg, one of her big paws smashing my toes but I don't care.
"I'm going." I say it more determined this time.
Jason clears his throat. "I'll have arrangements made for you to come."
"Well he's not going alone." My dad barks. "We're coming too."
"Holt." Birdie says my name quietly.
My mom and her haven't stopped staring at me. I can feel their need to reach out to me but I'm not ready yet, I shake my head no.
"You don't have to do this." Birdie whispers quietly.
But I do.
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I leave for Colorado tomorrow and I am so excited!
