Drugs & Candy

Chapter Two

November 16th 2012

I hate everything. I can't sleep. I feel sick. I'm having the worst anxiety and all I want to do is take this sheet and fucking hang myself.
I can't though right?
I have to try.
Not even for Elaina. I might sign those divorce papers anyway.
I don't even know who I'm trying for.
My parents don't call anymore. They're disappointed in me.
My wife doesn't give a fuck about me.
I don't give a fuck about me.

I closed my journal and threw it across the room.
"FUCK" I screamed, angry.
My head is fucking throbbing and I don't want to exist on this planet anymore.
So I left my room. I'm allowed to do that at least.
I walked over to one of the random staff members, "Hi. Am I allowed to have anything for my headache?" Not that advil or tylenol would even come close to helping.
The staff member, who's tag stated 'volunteer' shrugged, "I don't know man. Uh...Try your counselor? Who's your counselor?" He asked.
"Jack. I don't know his last name." I answered, annoyed that he couldn't just tell me where to get something. Surely this place had a doctor or nursing staff around who was allowed to administer medication.
"Oh! Jack Barakat! Let me go get him. He's in his office. Actually, just follow me." He grinned a stupid grin that made me want to punch his stupid fucking face.
I followed him anyway.
We got to Jack's office, the kid knocked on the door.
Jack opened it and looked at me, "What's wrong?" He asked, worried. He probably thought the worst. Maybe I found a way to get drugs. Maybe I was suicidal. Maybe I was a list of things. Suicidal might be one, except I'm too much of a pussy to actually do it on purpose.
"Your patient says he has a headache so I thought I'd bring him here, I don't know how the whole nursing station works." The kid shrugged.
Jack smiled a little and looked at me, "You can go" he told the volunteer.
"So you're feeling it now?" He asked me.
I glared "Yeah I'm fucking feeling it. How the fuck do you expect me to be? Off my high and fucking Mary Poppins? Look can I just get something to help this fucking headache?!" I snapped. I didn't even feel guilty.
Jack raised an eyebrow at me, "Sure. You know it's okay to do that. Withdrawal is a bitch." He smiled a bit at me.
God fucking damn it. Now I feel guilty.
"Look, Jack I'm sorry. I don't fucking feel good. I didn't sleep at all. I have this awful headache and I spent all night crying. I could barely even write in my journal and I write in it every single day Jack." I rubbed my temples and closed my eyes for a minute, "Just...Please...Give me something stronger than that..." I begged, looking up at him.

Jack frowned a little at me, "Alex, I can't give you anything stronger. You have to try to ride this out. I can't just say 'hey let's give him something almost exactly alike what he's been taking' unless you absolutely cannot beat it. Don't worry Alex, I know your history. I know how long you've been using. I know when you first got prescribed the oxycontin. I know why you got it prescribed in the first place. I also know that you doctor hopped to get more, and then based on what your wife said, I know that you know a guy who scores you with some, which for all you know is laced with any number of things like fentanyl maybe, or isn't safely made at all. I can't just hand over something and give you another thing to get addicted to. I'm sorry that you don't feel good, but you're not going to immediately feel better. There's a reason you're in here for 90 days. You need to be." He sighed a little, watching me tear up like a fucking idiot.
I sniffled and wiped my eyes, "Fuck you. You don't know anything. I don't need shit." I turned to walk away but he put his arm on my shoulder.
"Alex, come on. Let's go try some ibuprofen. We'll talk at our session today." Jack said gently.
I glared, probably looking pathetic because tears were now streaking my stupid cheeks, but I followed him anyway.
He showed me where to go in case I needed anything medically, that I was allowed to come and go if I felt like I needed something but only if I told someone first who could follow me. That and the nurses would log each visit and exactly what they gave me and why. They'd basically be monitoring me to make sure I wasn't trying to take more than I needed.
I got given some pretty decent strength ibuprofen and some water to swallow it down.
"Now let's go get breakfast. I'll take you down there." Jack smiled a bit at me.
"Can you stay with me again? Eat with me?" So maybe I don't want to feel alone. I don't plan on talking to anyone else.
Jack nodded "Sure, but I can't do that every morning. I have a couple other people I see too." He opened the cafeteria door for me and grabbed his own food, watching me get mine.
They had breakfast burritos this morning with egg and chorizo, so I snatched two of those since they were kind of small and they looked really good. They had coffee and tea too, so I went with earl grey.
Jack and I found a table and sat down together.
It was silent as we ate, I mainly just wanted to know that someone was there.
Jack chimed in about halfway through, "You can use the rec center today if you want. We have our session in about an hour, but after that you can go down there. It's got a pool, a TV with movies, some board games that you could play with others if you want to, and books. Maybe other things, I don't know. Just know that tomorrow, after breakfast you start group therapy to introduce yourself to the group. After lunch happens, you start sessions with me then, one on one. Then you have a couple hours of recreation time and dinner. That's pretty much how your schedule is." He shrugged.
I made a face "I don't want to do group therapy. I don't care about venting my feelings to strangers who are just as fucked up as I am. I just want to talk to you...I don't do well in front of people Jack..." It's true. I don't. Not in the slightest bit.
Jack frowned a little "You have to try Alex. I wish I could tell you that you don't have to, but you do. At least until we can work out what you need and what you're just trying to avoid. Okay? Just try." He looked like he really felt bad for me. Pity or just someone genuinely giving a fuck? Probably just pity. I probably looked insane right now. My stupid brown hair all over my face, wavy because I didn't straighten it and couldn't be bothered to, I hadn't brushed my teeth yet, I haven't shaved in like a week prior to coming here, so I know that by now I look like shit.
"Hows your headache?" Jack added when I didn't answer him.
"Not better. I feel sick." I mumbled, "Hey you don't do the group therapy do you?" I asked because all I feel comfortable with is him.
Jack shook his head "I don't. Melanie Garcia does. She's really nice." He smiled a bit.
I stared at him "No. Absolutely not. I'm not going and you can't force me to. I'm not. If it's not you, I don't want to talk to them." I was adamant.
Jack sighed, "Alex. I can't be your entire crutch. You have to learn how to talk about it to others here. You have to be willing to at least try. We have our one on one sessions and they can last as long as you need them to, okay? Just try." He looked pitiful at me again.
I groaned in response, got up and threw my plate away.
He followed me and stopped me in the hallway, "Look. I know this is hard and it's awful, and I know you don't want to be here. I don't want you to be here either, but I want you to not be here because you're healthy and you aren't addicted to anything, but you are addicted and you'll always be an addict Alex. You know that. There's no changing it, but you can get better and it's my job, and it's my want to help you get better. So can you try?" He didn't sound or look pitiful anymore.
I just nodded, "Can I go to my room? If there's no guitar or piano or keyboard or anything in that rec center, I don't want to be there." I sighed.
"There's not, but maybe I can bring you one of my guitars from home? If that's one of the things you turn to, I bet they'd let me. I'll ask my supervisor, yeah?" He smiled.
I smiled a genuine smile back. I feel like hell. I feel sick. I feel like I'm going to throw up, but a guitar was being offered to me in this shithole. I'm sure as hell gonna take it.
"You'd do that for me? Shit...Yeah. Please do."
Jack laughed a little "Alright. I'll ask. You can go up to your room now. Let me know if you need anything else okay?"
I nodded and went up to my room to just relax.
Not that I could really. I'm tired but I can't sleep.
I feel like I'm coming down with a cold or something but I can't just relax like I intended to, so I got up and started pacing the room.
Maybe I could sing.
Maybe that would help.
So I did. I sang Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls.
It's one of my favorite songs, it's calming to me, but midway through at

'And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming

Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know, you're alive
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am'

I start fucking sobbing.
I sat down on the floor, pulled my knees to my chest and just fucking howled with loud, disgustingly wet sobs, choking on my own spit and lacking the ability to catch a deep breath.
I didn't hear my door open, nor did I care who it was, I couldn't see, I couldn't breathe, I could cry. I could choke. I could gasp.
I felt arms around me and heard his voice.
"Alex...Woah hey, hey...Alex calm down for me okay? Breathe." Jack said quietly. What was he doing here? It didn't matter.
I turned to face him, gripped onto him as tight as I could with my face pressed against his chest just sobbing and holding onto someone real for dear life, like if I let go, I'd have to face a void of nothingness and be all alone in my purgatory.
I felt his hand rub my back while his other held onto me, "You gotta breathe Alex. Come on, follow me." He took an audible deep breath that I could also feel as I was pressed against him.
It was comforting. It still didn't change anything.
It took a few tries before I was finally able to stop.
I was still too afraid to let go of him, so I sat there glued onto him, my entire body shaking from the panic attack I'd just gone through.
Jack rubbed my back a little longer then pulled himself away but not far, "What happened?" He asked quietly.
I sniffled, wiping my eyes "I was s-singing...an-and I got to one part an-and I just couldn't t-take it anymore..." I let out another quiet cry but sucked in a deep breath.
He nodded and put his hand on top of mine, "It's alright now. You're safe, okay?" He offered me a tiny smile. His smiles always make me happy, and I have no idea why. He's just a radiant person, I guess.
I nod at him, "Jack I feel so sick...Is this normal? I feel so sick right now...I feel nauseous, and I feel like I have the flu or something." I groaned a little.
"Yeah. It is. It's part of the withdrawal. It'll pass." He squeezed my hand a little.
I smiled the tiniest, most pathetic bit. I don't believe him. It won't pass.
"No it won't." I mumble.
Jack chuckled a little, "It will. I promise. We'll get you there okay? I have to go to a session, but are you going to be okay?" He stood up.
I shook my head, got up and shuffled myself onto my bed, "No, but go anyway. I'll live." I closed my eyes and tried to focus on breathing.
"Okay, you know where to find me now that you've seen my office. I'll have a volunteer come get you when I'm done with the session I'm headed to right now." He left my room and I laid there in that bed feeling like an idiot.

(A/N: I gave you guys two chapters in one day! I'm just excited for this one. :) Maybe I'll update again in a couple days once I've had time to sort of write out everything the way I need to, but definitely by Thursday. )