Drugs & Candy

Chapter Seven

December 1st 2012.

I couldn't do anything.
The withdrawal was so strong now, so hard on me.
I can't write.
I'd been writing every single day and right now, and for the past week and a half or so, I can't muster up the strength to even try.
I lean over my bed as I throw up into the trash can a nurse left by my side, shivering despite the fact that I'm not cold. I'm drenched in sweat. My stomach hurts so badly that I haven't been able to keep much of anything down.

I heard them talking about putting me on methadone to lessen the symptoms, but that's just another drug to eventually wean off of. I can't do that. I can't go through this again.
I can't.
I can't fucking see straight and I swear to god I'm going to pass out.
Sessions with Jack had been easier than expected, but that's probably because I have zero interest in sex or flirting or anything else right now.
I want to die. That's what I want.
I want to tie this bedsheet around my neck and hang myself.
I don't have the strength to though.
I finish vomiting the very little stomach contents I have up and lie back in my bed in tears.
I can't do this anymore.
I want to go home.
I don't even want to get high anymore, I want to curl up in a ball and die.
I want to get hit by a train. A bus. A plane falling from the sky. Drowning. Anything. Anything to put me out of the fucking misery I'm in right now.

I haven't been able to keep so much as a few sips of water down, so they have me hooked up to an IV and it itches. It's keeping my hydrated though, so that's a bonus.
I haven't been able to leave my room. The doctor comes to me. Jack comes to me. Nurses come to me. Volunteers bring my food to me, and I never thought I'd be saying this, but I miss going around the grounds. I miss Jack's office and the guitar. I miss the cafeteria and the rec room that I've gone into maybe twice. I miss walking past everyone on my way around the building. Not that I did much of that, yet somehow I still miss it.
The nurse came in once I was done throwing up.
She checked on my IV and gave me a new saline bag.
"Okay, you're alright sweetie. You'll get through this okay?" She tries to soothe me, rubbing my arm.
Fuck her.
"NO!" I yell, not meaning to sound rude but fuck her, trying to scoot away from her "Jack...I need to talk to Jack." Too bad it's the middle of the night and Jack isn't here.
"He'll be in his office in the morning, I'll get him when he comes in okay? Can I give you something to help you sleep?" She asked politely.
I just nod at her, unwilling to fight.
So she gives me something and I'm not sure what, with a few sips of water.
I'm thankful for whatever it is. Probably just some high milligram melatonin or something, but I'll take it.

Shockingly, it actually did help me.

December 2nd 2012.

I woke up to a knock on my door. I look at the little clock I have, it's too early for breakfast call.
"What" I mumble.
I smiled though as Jack walks in.
"I heard you had a pretty rough night. How are you feeling now?" He asks while he sits down on my bed next to me. The look in his eyes is more than just doctor-patient, it's much more than that. It has been since that day, but we haven't had the chance to talk about it yet and honestly, I'm not sure that I want to. I want to get through this. I want to get through this hell.
"I just wanted you." I sighed, looking down at the IV in my hand.
"They're gonna come take that out after they bring you breakfast if you can manage to keep your food down. I know you haven't really been able to the past few days. Are you okay now though?" He grabbed a tissue from the bedside table and dabs the sweat off my face. He pushed the hair sticking to my forehead back and dabbed there.
"Thanks." I mumble, "I feel okay. My head hurts so bad and I'm dizzy. The room is spinning and I'm just laying here. When is this going to stop?"
Jack shrugged, "It's been pretty bad with you honestly. You said no to the methadone, which I'm glad you did by the way, I don't really approve of using it unless there's absolutely no other choice. On the other hand, it's been like a week. It's gotta calm down eventually. Let's see how you do with breakfast and getting the IV out. Then we'll go from there, okay?"