Drugs & Candy

Chapter Thirteen

May 13th 2013.

Today's the day I get to get out of this place and get pampered with Lizzie. I feel like shit, but god I'm excited.
Lizzie, I guess, told a volunteer to have me wear something comfortable, like a t shirt and shorts basically. So that's what I'm doing.
I take care of my basic self care necessities and throw on a pair of black shorts and a black t shirt. 
I don't have anything to do today apart from just breakfast, because Lizzie made sure that my schedule is completely clear, not that I do much anyway. I assume she's just making everything incredibly well known so the facility doesn't think I left or something unannounced. 

After breakfast, she comes to get me. I smile at her because she's not in her usual more professional looking clothes. She's in a flowy full length navy blue skirt with a light grey spaghetti strap top tucked in. 
"You ready to go?" She smiles at me warmly. I nod, "More than you know." I'm so grateful to get out of here at least for a day.
Lizzie drives me to this incredible spa, I've never been anywhere like it. It looks like the ones you see in movies, you know, the super boujie ones that you think are way over dramatized? Nope. Apparently they exist and I'm at one right now, it's a little surreal if I'm being honest.
I look around and see what they offer, I'm not letting Lizzie pay, that much is for sure. She's doing me this solid, it's coming out of my bank account.
I let her decide what she's going to do, and what I'm going to do. We settle on most of the same things, so she doesn't have to worry about me being far away from her or anything.
I chose a big package, I need it and I don't give a damn if it's 'girly' or if it's a lot. I genuinely don't. The opportunity is given to me and I'm taking it. Without letting Lizzie fight me on it, I get her the same package.
It's nice.
The package information reads:

Ultimate Stress Relief

"Begin with a 25-minute soak in an essential oil enhanced bath, followed by a 50-minute signature massage customized to your specific stress relief needs including your selection of essential oil blends. Then the river stone facial, with heated river stones used in massage and to diffuse heat deep into the facial muscles allowing for greater penetration of moisturizers and serums. Skin is exfoliated, extractions done as necessary, and then moisturizing masks are applied. The aesthetician will also use heated river stones to soothe the hands, arms, feet and legs."

I'd be stupid to not get that package. I need it. Badly. 
We're there for nearly three hours, during the massage I cried. Not bad crying, and not loud and obnoxious crying either. Just letting all of my emotions go type of crying. My masseuse asked me if I was okay, if she was doing something wrong and of course I had to awkwardly tell her no.  I made up a story about my life being hell lately, and how I've had all of these pent up emotions and getting away from it all like I'm doing is helping me let it all go. It's not a lie, it's the furthest thing from, really. I just left out the part where I'm here with my drug therapist on a day out of the rehab facility.

I left that spa feeling incredible, but that's not even the rest of what Lizzie had planned up her sleeve.
She took me to an early dinner next, which was fantastic. I refused to let her pay again. I had a system for that. She says she's going to take me, I agree, once we get there and order, I pay as soon as the bill comes.
Lizzie gets a little irritated about it, but I explain to her that it's honest to god the least I can do.
We're talking a little over dessert now.

"How was today for you?" She asks me with a small smile.
I think about it, swallowing the bite of tiramisu I have in my mouth.
"I mean. I cried during the massage." I shake my head at myself with an amused expression.
"Do you know why?" She takes a sip of her water.
I shrug my shoulders, taking my time thinking about it. "I think that I don't take care of myself. I think that the way I've been trying to take care of myself is through using, which temporarily makes me feel good. I justify it with that...But today, I just did something that felt amazing, and I didn't have to worry about it being illegal...I didn't have to worry about overdosing or waking up in some gutter like I've done before...I wasn't crushing a pill on a garbage can to get that good feeling..." I look up at her, "I think I realized today that I don't need to run to the thing that's held me back forever to feel good...I realized that I need to find something else that gives me a similar release. I mean, it was so quiet in there, and quiet is exactly what my brain needs...I can't handle all the noise. I'm surrounded by noise. I'm constantly stressed out and exhausted, I go nights without sleeping, and I turn to a drug to fix that...But today, it was quiet and it was calm...I even fell asleep a little in the soaking tub. That was probably my favorite part...And I felt so good, and felt all of this tension melt away from me during that massage and facial thing. I mean, I cried. Not like sobbing or anything, but it just felt so good to do something for myself, something quiet and calm, away from all of the noise that's constantly ringing in my head..." I sigh, I wonder if I'm making any sense. 
Lizzie seems to understand, "So today helped you see that there are other ways to relax and get out your stress other than going to your crutch and getting high?"
I nod.
She smiles, "Good. That was the intention of today. You know, I really think you're doing really really well. I read your files from the last time you were with us, and yeah you did well but you never really seemed to find a balance. You got sober, and I'm sure you stayed sober for a while, until you didn't. Why do you think that is?" She takes another bite of her lemon cake.
I take a sip of my tea and think about it again, "I think it's because I didn't know what else to do when things got hard again. I got stressed out and it was offered to me. I didn't even think about it. I know that I should have, but I didn't, and I was so desperate that I didn't even stop. I just did it. No question about it. Then I spiraled again. I think that instead of stopping when I started to feel really bad anxiety building up, I kept trying to just go, go, go and it wrecked me...It all caught up to me and then I paid the price for it. Really, I should've come back the moment I felt tempted...Or I should've called a therapist...My big mistake was discontinuing therapy when I left, but I was afraid to, and as much as I love Jack as a therapist, he and I wouldn't mesh well outside of the facility therapy wise. Great guy, helped me a lot in therapy, but I think I'm doing better with you. A lot better. Today sort of proves that." I smile a little. I hope I didn't give anything away about Jack just now.
She seems to not notice.

She looks happy, "That right there, what you just said to me tells me that today, we did something right. We found a way for you to cope, unwind and relax. You admitted that you should've continued therapy, and you realized that you jumped into using because you needed a quick fix. It seems like you also understand that there is no quick fix. Just a temporary high. Right?" She sips her water, looking at me.
I nod, "Yeah...Exactly." I sigh a little. 
Lizzie smiles, "Let's get back. I want to ask you though, how are you feeling right now? I know you've been having some pretty bad cravings. How are they after today?" She finishes up her cake.
I finish mine, take a sip of tea and smile at her "Gone. I don't want it. I mean. I'll always want it I think, but I can go without it. I'm not feeling like if the world ends, I'm gonna run to it." I'm really proud of myself for saying that and I think she is too, I can see it on her face.
"So would continuing therapy with me after you're done in the program be something you're interested in?" She finishes her glass of water, keeping everything super casual which I appreciate so much.
I nod, "Not only do I want to, I really think that I need to. I've got a lot to unpack and address outside of my addiction issues. I think that I can do really well if I make the right choice this time." I smile at her.
She smiles back, "Okay, then we'll make that happen. I'd like to keep seeing you too, Alex."

We leave our conversation at that, making small talk on the ride back. We talk about her family, and the family that I'd like to have someday. We talk about my job, and what exactly I do. We talk about experiences I've had, like red carpet events I've been invited to, and special projects I've worked on. She was most excited to hear about some of the work I did for the show Grey's Anatomy. It is a great show, after all. Apparently it's her favorite. 
I'm happier than I've ever felt when we get back. I don't feel like I'm even going back to a facility, I feel like I'm going back to a place that's keeping me safe from myself. Somewhere that I really need to be.

I take off my shoes and get some new clothes to sleep in, take a shower and come back to my room. I get dressed in my sweat pants and t shirt, I look over to see an envelope on my desk. I didn't notice it when I first walked in, and mail is usually brought by volunteers.
I sit down at the desk and open it.

Alex,

Just wanted to say I'm proud of you. I know what you were up to today. 
I think that being with Lizzie is probably really good for you. I wouldn't know since I can't really talk to you right now, but maybe in a couple days you can meet me by the stairs at 9? People are usually prepping for the next day by then...Act like you're going to the bathroom, then get to the stairs. We'll take the stairs up to my office. Wait for my next little letter so you'll know when.
If you don't want to, then just ignore the note. Simple as that.
Miss you. 

Jack.

I smile, shaking my head a little at the idea that I wouldn't want to. I've been waiting for this. I destroy the note and put it in the bottom of my little trash bin.
I lay down in my bed, pull the blankets up over my head and close my eyes with a smile on my face.
My body feels great, my head feels clear and free, and Jack finally wants to see me. Things seem to be going well for me finally.
Best part though? Oxy is the last thing on my mind. I don't care about it. I don't want it. 
I'm reaching the point that I can live without it. I'm sure it won't always be like that, but in this moment, I don't give a damn about it.