A court of Shadows & Blood (An ACOTAR / Azriel fanfiction)

Chapter 11

I sat by Alcina's side until my tears dried and Morrigan suggested that I should eat something.

Reluctantly, I left them alone. Morrigan sat by my sister's side, her hands gently stroking Alcina's cheeks that were slowly getting redder.

When I had come back, she had a burning fever and it still hadn't gone away but she was not shivering anymore and even mumbled a few words.

I stood in the kitchen, staring at the snow covered peaks until my eyes watered again and I blinked rapidly.

It was afternoon when I had left; now it was past midnight and I was once again alone with the spymaster. Cassian and Rhysand had gone back to Velaris to make sure that Amren and Feyre were safe and no-one had tried to enter the city again.
After today, they knew how difficult it was for a fae to hold their own against a witch, let alone a group of them.

I decided to cook something for all of us to distract myself.

I got the things I needed from the cupboard and started chopping some carrots for the soup for Alcina. The wooden cabin was surprisingly well furnished as, from what I was told, it was not used very often. The fact that it was in the mountains didn't help either.

Every now and then, I would find myself lost in thoughts again and had to force myself to focus on the task at hand.

The memory of Cassian almost falling from the tree and Rhysand coughing out blood sent chills down my spine.

How many people am I going to hurt before this all comes to an end?

I looked at my hands. Under the curtain of moonlight, the thick, wet liquid coating them, shone. I stumbled backwards, trying to breath. It was becoming more and more difficult.

The knife clattered to the floor as my legs started to feel weak and the walls felt too close.

I furiously wiped my hands on my dress. The dress. The black material moved like a liquid and threatened to choke me in one swift movement. I wanted it off me. I needed it to be away from me.

But the blood won't go away. It was on my hands. The blood of my mother, my father. The blood of my friends, neighbors, children.

My eyes burned as I scrubbed my hand on that cursed dress until one of the thin sleeves ripped from near my elbow.

I didn't stop. The cold floor was stained red everywhere I touched it. There was so much blood on my hands. Blood I could never get off them.

I was mildly aware of someone touching my shoulder. It wasn't until they grabbed my hand, that I realised that it was Azriel.

"Lillith." He whispered.

"Let go." I tried to pry my hands out if his grasp.

"No." He said firmly. "Look at me."

"There is blood all - all over them." I sobbed with my head against his chest. "I need to wipe it off."

"There is no blood." He ran his hand in my hair while the other one held tight onto my wrists. "It's just your imagination. It's okay."

He rested his chin on the top of my head.

Warm tears flowed down my cheeks as we both sat on the floor. Azriel didn't let go of my arms until I stopped shivering. My throat hurt and my mind was muddled.

Every thought was a blurred picture on the canvas of my brain. Like someone had carelessly smudged paint over a picture and now it was little more than the depiction of chaos.

"I need to get out of this." I stood up abruptly. "I need this thing off my body." I almost tore down the dress from my body. I didn't want to see that thing on my skin one moment longer.

Azriel place both his hand on my waist and pushed me against the counter. "Listen to me." His deep voice sounded hoarse in the silent house. "You need to calm down."

"No. I need this thing to be gone from my sight." In that moment maybe he thought I was mad, and maybe I was. I didn't care enough.

"Lillith." He cupped my face. "Look at me. Look into my eyes." For the first time since we came back, I looked into his golden eyes while my body shuddered with ever breath. "Do you think I want to see you in this thing? If I could, I would tear it to bits and pieces myself." My hands trembled but I was more focused on Azriel's warm hands and his even breathing. Anything but the dress.

"I feel disgusting. " I didn't know I felt it until I said it. "I feel like I don't belong to myself." Fresh tears made their way down my cheeks. "And it won't stop." My vision was blurry from the tears but I could have sworn Azriel's eyes were lined with silver tears until he blinked them back and pulled me into an embrace again.

I felt like I was shaking again but I pressed myself harder against him and breathed into his scent.

He rubbed circles on my back while I closed my eyes and focused on my breaths.

"Azriel." My voice shook so much I couldn't even recognize it.

"Yes?"

"It's still the same." I had to clutch onto his jacket to stop myself from ripping off the dress. "I feel the blood between my fingers. It's my mother's. " A sob escaped my lips.

"It's not." He gently swayed from side to side. "There is nothing on your hands."

"There is. I see it." I insisted. "I killed them." There is a set of words, a sentence, for everyone that can destroy them. For me, it came out of my own mouth.

He pulled back. "You did not." I felt myself sinking to the floor again. I had no energy to remain standing. Right now, Azriel was the only solid thing in my world and he did not let go of me. "You didn't kill anyone." I shook my head but before I could say something, he continued. "Their death is not your fault. You didn't choose to be who you are. You are not responsible for anyone's death."

If I could, I would explain that moment like a lost ship finding a lighthouse or that moment when a sea that has been raging the entire night finally decides that it has caused enough destruction. He was like the calm in my chaos, the only thing that was sure in my crumbling world and I was selfish.

"Can I ask for another gift?" I asked, this time with a smile.

"Anything. " He pressed his forehead against mine.

"After I'm gone, think about me when you look at your hands."

He stopped running his hands up and down my back. Neither of us said anything for a but when he spoke, his words were shaking. "You don't have to. We survived-"

I shook my head and sniffed. "No, Azriel." I looked into his beautiful golden eyes. "Too many words and too little time, we were doomed from the start."

With this, I pressed my wet lips against his warm ones.

Everything inside of me dissolved when he immediately kissed back harder.

I was like a candle in a storm and he was the only thing keeping the flame safe. I flickered everytime his grip on me loosened for it to only become firmer.

Even before I knew what was happening, we were inside a room. I didn't know which one and I didn't care.

His mouth explored mine as he pushed me against a wall. I traced his jawline while one of my hands was tangled in his curls. His fingers dug into my skin as if he just held onto me tight enough,  he would succeed in keeping me there forever.

He pressed open mouthed kissed down my neck and a soft groan escaped my lips when he sucked on a spot right above my breast. I pressed my thighs together until they shook.

Gently, he tugged on the dress, seeking permission and I nodded. In one swift motion, the wretched dress was laying on the floor and relief flooded through me as Azriel's warm breaths touched my skin.

It was like I was standing on the edge of the world and he was pushing of off of it with every touch and kiss.