Out of reasons (Boy × Boy) ✔

Chapter Thirteen

When we go through something so bad our brain can't process it properly, some get angry, some deny anything happened and some grow quiet.

I froze.

After Joakim had left, I ran to the bathroom and threw up everything I had in my stomach. Maybe it was because of the shock or all the alcohol I had had. Either way, it made me feel a little better. Then I trembled and cried on the bathroom floor for god knows how long.

Eventually I got up, washed my teeth to get rid of the acid taste in my mouth and went back to bed. That was when I froze: unable to think, move or speak. Not that anyone wanted to talk with me anyway.

Sunday noon Kuisma came back to the flat, still ignoring me altogether. He cooked something in the kitchen, listened to his music and didn't bother to clean any of the mess he made.

I turned my back to him and lay under the thick blanket, still wearing the same clothes I did at the party. Was I feeling hot or cold, I had no idea. I was numb. Paralyzed by the heaviness of my mind, paralyzed by the feelings I couldn't feel.

I only got up to go to the bathroom, and I continued that for the entire Sunday until it was already night. I couldn't sleep, no matter how tired I was of everything.

I didn't get up on Monday morning. I missed school again, and I didn't think I was ever going to go back there. Fortunately I didn't have shifts at the library, because I needed to give my hand some time to heal.

When the worst shock was over, it turned to anger. I was so angry at myself, feeling like everything that had happened was own my fault. I felt so deeply humiliated and defiled it was unbearable. So instead of being paralyzed by the shock and the numbness, I couldn't move and I couldn't breathe because of those feelings.

At some point, probably after school, Kuisma came back to the flat. He didn't turn the music on or make coffee, like he normally did. I was still facing the wall, but I could hear his footsteps when he walked to my side of the room.

"I wasn't going to talk to you ever again, but seriously, are you even alive?" he demanded.

"Fuck off", I muttered.

"Are you sick again?" Kuisma's voice turned softer.

"Just go away", I moaned.

"Did something happen with Joakim?" he wouldn't budge.

I wasn't going to give him the pleasure to say "what did I tell you?". Of course he was right and I was a fool, but I didn't need another reminder of it.

"Nothing happened and I'm not going to cry about it to you, just like you wanted. So just leave me alone", I told him, still staring at the wall. I wasn't angry or even sad, I just wanted to be left alone.

"Okay, if you say so", Kuisma sighed.

When I finally fell asleep, I dreamt about that night. I woke up in the middle of the night, my shirt drenched with sweat and my heart hammering.

I think a part of me knew all along that Joakim didn't want to date me, so I never asked him about it. Somewhere deep down I believed the things Kuisma said about him, but refused to listen. I wanted things to work out between me and Joakim so badly I was willing to take the risk. I thought he might break my heart, but I didn't think he would do anything like he ended up doing. But I did know the risks, so blame on me.

I tried to tell myself what happened wasn't that bad, but it was. At least it was to me. I tried to tell myself to stop acting the way I was, but I couldn't help it. I couldn't just get up and continue living my life like nothing happened. I wasn't sure if I ever could.