Out of reasons (Boy × Boy) ✔

Chapter Thirty-two

This is the end.

A point where I knew I had had enough. No matter how much I had been through and how many things I had survived from, this I couldn't. Even the strongest person has a limit of the suffering he can endure, and I wasn't strong to begin with.

It had always been here, the pain of something I had needed to bury, so that no one could ever know about it. Not even me. It had been hidden so deep it was as if it had never happened — and it should have stayed that way.

If I said my mind was in turmoil, that would have been the understatement of the year. In fact, I had never felt as out of my mind, or so much in pain, as I felt at that moment. It was so unbearable it was breaking me.

I had a feeling someone was talking to me, but the words didn't make sense and I didn't recognize the voice. Someone was shaking me, trying to wake me up, but I couldn't feel it. Not really. I was dazed and out of reach.

"Daniel." It was a frantic and shattered cry. Someone was hugging me so tight I couldn't breathe. Only then I realized I did know the voice and the person holding me.

I took a deep and ragged breath, feeling the surroundings coming back to me. I was cold, the music was loud and someone was hugging me like his life depended on it.

"I remember now", I whispered flatly.

"It's okay, I'm here", Kuisma told me and I could hear from his voice he was frightened. I could feel people staring at us, even with my eyes shut. Not that it mattered, nothing did.

"No", I shook my head and pushed Kuisma away forcefully. "No, I can't", and while he was staring at me a stunned look on his face, I got up from the pavement and started striding away.

"Stop", Kuisma shouted after me once he had recovered from the shock. "Seriously, stop", he bid and seized me from my wrist, so I had to halt.

"Let go off me." I tried to wrench my wrist free.

"Not until you tell me what's wrong", Kuisma answered.

"It's just too much — I won't put you through it. I'm too fucking damaged, just too fucking damaged — let's just end it now." I shook my head again, tears running down my cheeks.

"You don't get to decide what's too much for me", Kuisma snapped and tears filled his burning eyes. He wasn't just frightened, he was furious. 

"Just leave alone, please", I pleaded. I wasn't angry and I didn't want to fight, I just needed to get away.

"I won't let you be alone when you're like this", Kuisma said with a softer tone, but I could see there really was no way he'd leave me alone. "So you can either talk to me or say nothing at all, but I'm going to stay with you no matter what."

Hearing him say that, I just couldn't hold the sobs anymore.

"It's the door right? In that picture?" Kuisma asked then. I nodded, not knowing what to say and the sobs came out so violently my entire body was shaking. Kuisma looked at me, his eyes filled with empathy and pain, and pulled me into a hug.

"I — he — it was him who — but he's my dad — I just can't.." I cried and buried my face on his chest.

"What did he do to you?" Kuisma whispered with a broken voice.

***

I can't remember anything after that. I can't remember much from the following days either. I made Kuisma tell me what happened while I blacked out.

I had told him about the memory I had kept hidden so long. It was an ugly memory, a terribly ugly memory. I guess it says a lot that even if my dad was a horrible person, I didn't want to remember how horrible he actually was. Someone once said that some memories are better not to be remembered, and I couldn't agree more.