Almost Lovers||H.S

Chapter 30

"I don't see you
You're not in every window I look through
And I don't miss you
You're not in every single thing I do
I don't think we're meant to be
And you are not the missing piece
I won't hear it
Whenever anybody says your name
And I won't feel it
Even when I'm burstin' into flames
I don't regret the day I left
I don't believe that I was blessed
I'm probably lyin' to myself, again

I'm alone in my head
Looking for love in a stranger's bed
But I don't think I'll find it
'Cause only you could fill this empty space"

****

Allegra

If two weeks ago, someone would have told me I would be sneaking out of the café in the middle of the night like a robber while holding my shoes in my hands, I would have laughed at their faces, but I guess heartbreak makes us do stupid shit, and if up until a month ago, I always thought something like this would never happen to me, and I was convinced it only happened in movies, now I know how wrong I was. It also happens in the real world and I'm witnessing on my skin.

Tonight wasn't supposed to go this way, this wasn't supposed to happen and I wasn't supposed to act this way. The last thing I should have done was end up in his bed - or better kitchen -, and I regretted it the moment everything was over.

In my defence when I decided it was a good idea, I wasn't in me, I had alcohol running through my veins and I was desperate for a distraction, something that would make me feel a glimpse of the emotions I thought I lost for good, something that wouldn't make me feel as empty as I felt in the last weeks, that would fulfil the hole he left behind him and above all this, I needed someone to make me feel desired and loved, and I ended up making one of the biggest mistakes of my life just because I was sick and tired of feeling hopeless, pathetic, heartbroken and miserable.

Selfishly, I also wanted to erase the memory of his touch from my body. I didn't want him to be the last one who touched me, I wanted to forget the feeling of his fingertips on my body, I wanted to delete from my memory the softness of his lips against my skin, the heat radiant through his body pressed on mine, and I thought having another man touching me as he did, would do the trick, but again I was wrong, the only thing I feel now is the need to scrub my skin until the images of him touching me will no longer be printed on my mind, and disgust towards myself.

The guilt and anguish feeling washing through me are making me run home as fast as I can, without caring of my bare feet hitting the sidewalk or of the confused stares of the few people out at this hour.

I know by acting the way I did, I hurt him, and I know he will probably hate me from now on, and he has all the rights. I used him, I let him believe in something there will never be by raising his hopes up and then abandoned him in the middle of the night, while he was asleep because I'm that kind of woman now, a coward and a whore.

The worst part is probably the fact that I didn't use a stranger to have a rebound, but a man I know, a man I know has a heart of gold and could have been a good thing in my life if I only wasn't so messed up and so damn empty.

He didn't deserve it and I wish so badly I could take it all back and stop myself instead of telling him I wanted we did, but if there's a thing I learned in the last weeks, is that you can't turn back time.

Cher sings about it for a reason.

Throughout my inner soliloquies, I unconsciously managed to walk all the way to my apartment building and I never was so relieved to see this place.