Solitude

A Solitary Friendship

My one and only friend Morgan was the complete opposite of me.

She was social and talkative in a way that sent anxiety pooling through every one of my nerves like water filling a swimming pool.

It was when I was twenty and refused to leave the confinement of my apartment that she struck a deal with me.

That deal was that once a month, I would need to meet up with her, whether that was a shopping trip, a coffee meeting, a night out which honestly made me want to die. The rest of the deal was that, for the rest of the month, she would leave me alone.

One day, or night, a month and I would be allowed to continue my life of solidarity.

I agreed.

That day when she would want to meet up, it could be whenever. It changed and it often gave me anxiety knowing that any day of the month I could wake up with a text from her, wanting to plan the day we would spend together.

Obviously I loved Morgan, I just didn't love her extrovert and overly friendly personality that would often wind up with me having to participate in a conversation that she started. She couldn't help it, she loved people; I couldn't help it, I hated them.

I would rather spend our days together in the comfort of my own apartment, where we would watch movies or talk about her life and my novel. No, that was not Morgan's idea of fun.

I truly didn't mind our meetings, as long as they didn't involve being around a lot of people or talking to anyone apart from Morgan.

Loki and I went on our daily walk and I managed to avoid human conversation again while Loki avoided sniffing anything that looked like another dogs butt and excrements that weren't picked up by owners.

My phone rung as I stepped foot in to my apartment and my heart stopped. Phone calls weren't my strong suit and I avoided them as much as I could, having to give myself a motivational talk every time I needed to ring someone.

I hesitantly unpocketed my phone, my whole body relaxing when I saw Morgan's name lighting up the screen. I happily answered it, recovering from my panicked state.

"Hey Morgan." I chirp, holding the phone between my shoulder and ear while I cover the sofa with a blanket.

I watch as Loki jumps up, circles, sits and then looks up at me, waiting for me to sit next to him. I shrug off my coat and fall on the cushions, snuggling in with Loki.

"Hey Oaklee. Look I wanna use my day." I groan internally. It had been at least a month and a half since we last saw each other and I was secretly hoping she had forgotten about me. "I have a pitch."

"Proceed." I stroked Loki's side.

"Our friendship has been long lasting and I think I am the cause. Our bargain is that once a month we see each other so that you can spend the rest of the month in your own world, away from society because of your anxiety. Which I understand. I wholly, utterly and radically understand why you want that. But if it wasn't for me and my bargain, then we wouldn't see each other and you can't disagree with the utter fact that you do have fun when we assemble." She confidently says, like she's rehearsed and memorised every word. She probably has.

"I wouldn't say I have fun, I would say it is interesting and agreeable, distracting me from my normal day life and showing me different scenery." I smile even though she can't see me, continuing to rub Loki's side.

"I didn't ask for your opinion." I could imagine her rolling her eyes. "But considering you have mentioned different scenery and you have agreed that you do somewhat enjoy it. So I am pitching my idea of what I want to do for our September day."

I nod, face palming when I remember she's on the phone. "Continue. I shall listen."

"The place I want to go to is a room. There is usually quite a few people there but nothing too crazy. We can talk, drink and dance but obviously you won't be drinking so you can just talk and dance uncomfortably, pretending you're enjoying yourself."

"Isn't the whole point of this so I can enjoy myself?" I ask lightly.

She ignores me. "It is a great atmosphere, happy vibes. You have never been there before but I guarantee that you will somewhat enjoy yourself."

I pause, biting my lip. Somewhere I haven't been before sounds dangerous, uncomfortable and reckless. I know what I'm like when I am in uncomfortable and new situations. My anxiety settles in, my lungs feel like they might collapse under all the pressure I feel in my body, resulting my windpipe to close. I gasp for breathe, my mind spins out of control. I feel as though I might die.

Just thinking about having a panic attack in a new environment causes panic to settle in. I clench my fist, breathing deeply to calm the stress that inhabits my cells, ice freezing and numbing every part of my body.

As if Loki can feel my anxiety, he nudges his head on to my lap, nuzzling his nose in to my stomach.

Almost instantly, Loki calms me. The ice in my body melts, flushing away all the stress and fear that was in me only moments ago.

I stroke him again, running my hands over his head and down his body, letting my fingers become twisted in his long, brown fur. 

"What is it?" I ask after being silent for a few minutes.

When I panic, the seconds become hours and it feels like I'm in my own little hell of fear for much longer than I actually am.

"A club."

I lied. I don't like our meetings. I don't love Morgan. She is the spawn of the devil and I hope she drowns in the heat, magma and ash that inhabits her world.

"No."

"Wait come on." She pleads. "The club is real nice, it's new and I have wanted to go since it opened two months ago but everyone is busy and they would rather go to a bar. This will be good for you Oaklee, it will push you out of your comfort zone."

"I've very happy in my comfort zone. That's why it's called a comfort zone. You shouldn't have to leave your comfort zone. Everything is comfortable." I rush out, trying to distract myself from thinking about a club.

I have never been to a club but I've read about it and I've heard about it from Morgan. It sounds... horrible.

"But you need a push to get out of your comfort zone. Wasn't I the one who suggested getting a dog? Now look at you. You love the little guy and have a closer bond with him than anyone else. Wasn't I the one who told you to publish your book? Now you're a successful author working on your third book." She went on, trying to convince and persuade me. "All I'm saying is I have helped push you and you never know, this could help you as well. You might like it."

"My anxiety disorder says no." I deadpan, almost laughing at my sentence but I hold myself back, needing to be serious.

She sighs. "I want to do this with you. I promise if you want to leave at any point then we will leave as soon as the words exit your mouth. I will be right by your side the whole time. Please Oaklee. You're my friend and I love you but you need to get out more. Please."

My wall was crumbling and my resolve was disappearing with every plead. The problem with having anxiety was that I was a people pleaser. I felt bad if I said no to things even if I really did not want to do them.

I exhaled, clutching at Loki's fur to calm myself. I'm fine. I'm fine.

"Okay."

She squealed in to the phone, thanking me profusely for agreeing. She promised that she wouldn't bother me until November, so I had a whole month without social interaction to recharge myself.

I agreed wholly after she promised that.

I guess my Friday night was sorted and for the first time, I really wasn't looking forward to it.