Solitude

A Solitary Leaf

For a seven year old, death is an extremely complicated and confusing concept to understand.

Where did they go? Why aren't they around? When are they coming back? Why are you crying? Where are they?

For a seven year old, losing a mum is shattering, life crumbling. I didn't understand where my mum went, I didn't understand why she didn't come home, I didn't understand anything at all and no one explained it to me. I had to figure everything out by myself.

Without any explanations or tips, it took me five years to figure out what happened to my mum. Five years to understand that she wasn't coming back and five years to understand that she was, infact, dead.

For a twelve year old, grieving for someone is a hard concept to understand. For me, it was like death.

Anxiety, depression and lonliness.

Back then, I was lonely. I was alone. I was in complete darkness and there wasn't any hope for any sort of light or saviour to rescue me. I stayed trapped in that darkness, alone and scared, until I was eighteen when I managed to pull myself out.

I moved out of my family home, away from the memories and the stench that plagued me in my nightmares and real life.

I became isolated, except this isolation wasn't forced or lonely. I liked this isolation. I liked being away from society, from people. Being away from society, from the world, was the only way I felt any kind of peace, any kind of safety. When I was completely alone, I felt okay. Of course, looking back on it now that I am actually okay, I realise how broken I truly was, how I was forced in to isolation, except this time it was voluntary. I locked myself away because I wanted to- no I needed to- cut myself out of the world.

At twenty one, Loki materialised in to my life, by materialised I mean I bought him from the pet shelter, and tranquility settled in to my bones. Everything felt complete once Loki was in my life, and to this day it still does.

I enjoyed our walks where we were together but completely separated by the rest of the world. I enjoyed the fresh air that filled my lungs and the ducks and the swans and the trees that waved as we walked past.

I watched, adoringly and with reverence, as a leaf fell to the ground. It reminded me of a certain balance and constance in the world, that everything changes and change is needed. If there is nothing to rely on, there is always nature. It reminded me that change occurs, sometimes for the best and sometimes for the worst, but change is needed in order to survive. The leaves needed to fall in Autumn so Winter could begin. The air is needed to warm from its crisp and cold state for Spring to start, and flowers to bloom. The flowers bloom, and colour needed to spread across the globe for Summer to commence. And then back round to Autumn and so on and so on, for the rest of time. That same cycle has been happening for millions of years, nothing has changed and yet it does.

There was order in the world. That thought left serenity in its wake.

"I swear you're following me." I glanced to my left, towards the voice, unstartled. "Why the fuck are you just standing there looking at a tree?"

"I was watching a leaf fall." I said to Alex before carrying on with my walking. Loki, who had stopped a few paces ahead of me to wait, was now running circles around Zeus who happily joined in.

Zeus and Loki ran ahead of me, chasing each other and barking lightly. They looked happy, Loki looked happy.

At that thought, I smiled.

"What are you smiling about?"

As much as I wanted to question why he continued to talk even though he didn't like me, I didn't. I may not have experienced my usual panic attacks around him but I was definitely not confident enough to ask those sorts of questions. Questions that focused on me.

"Loki looks happy." I continued to smile. "He doesn't like other dogs but he likes Zeus."

"Oh." It was quiet for a moment. "I don't take Zeus out much but my dog walker said that Zeus pretty much stays to himself. She said because he's so big, a lot of dogs run away."

I immediately felt bad for the dog. Yes, Zeus was huge, around three foot. He looked more like a horse than a dog, but he was gorgeous with his marmalade-coloured fur and black nose. Loki hardly rose to the tops of his legs, they looked strange together, absolute opposites but they liked each other. They were friends.

"That's not very nice. They probably just see his huge stature and think he's aggressive. It's a classic case of judging a book by its cover. The different ones are the ones that are outcasts but they're the nicest ones because they know how it feels to be treated differently and segregated." I nod to myself, staring at the two dogs in front of me.

"That's... true." I hear Alex mumble, his eyes burning holes in to the side of my skull but I keep my gaze away.

"But your dog totally looks like Marmaduke." I comment nonchalantly.

He lets out a choked laugh, it sounding strange coming from him. He radiated solemnity and seriousness. I didn't think he was capable of showing any emotion.

That was rude, one hundred percent true, but rude.

"He does look like Marmaduke." I see him smile from the corner of my eye.

I grin and spin to face him when a thought enters my mind. He stops, taken back by my mood change. "We should have a play date!"

"What?" He almost yells, disbelief and fear in his eyes.

"Yea! Come on it will be fun." I jump up slightly, smiling.

He splutters, looking around awkwardly. "We hardly know each other."

"I know but they'll love it." I plead. If I do this for Loki, I'm sure he will love me for the rest of my life.

He stares at me weirdly for a second. "They?"

"Zeus and Loki. They will love a play date. They can play with each other and they'll be each others friend when they didn't have any. I read a study. Dogs with chosen friends are less likely to be stressed and feel more comfort, they aren't as aggressive. It was a study which means it's fact." I place my hands on my hips, cranking my neck up to give him the puppy dog eyes.

The top of my head didn't even reach his shoulder. He had a good foot and a bit on top of me and from here, he looked like a skyscraper. He was a walking, talking human giant.

"Um..."

"Please." I feel like a toddler begging for a cookie now but I don't care. "Loki doesn't like anyone. He's like me, a complete loner so now that he's actually interested in a friend and wants one... I can't deny my kid of that."

He stares at me weirdly for a minute, nothing I'm not used to, until he exhales and nods. "Fine yea whatever."

I grin and continue walking. He joins me after a few seconds. "Zeus can come to my apartment. I'll marmaduke proof it so he doesn't break anything, not that it would be his fault anyway. But he can come round and then I'll take them on this route. You can drop him off and go do whatever is on your busy schedule and pick him up in the evening. That will also relieve your dog walker. Sound good?"

I can't believe I'm talking so much. What is happening? But then I remember that this is for Loki. I would do anything for that little guy and if that means talking and begging a stranger for his three foot Great Dane to have play dates with him then so be it.

"I'll stay, if that's okay." I glance at him in shock, figuring he'd have much more important things to do than watch our dogs play together.

In my mind I had it all planned out. Zeus, Loki and I. No humans, no awkward conversation and no anxiety apart from when we walked down the canal and I would do my best to avoid any confrontation. Having Alex in the mix, as much as I was thankful that my anxiety didn't spike when he was around, I didn't feel comfortable with it. But I couldn't tell him no, I couldn't avoid it. That's another anxiety perk.

I nod anyway, ignoring the nauseated feeling in my stomach, smiling politely. "Of course."

As we walk, we exchange numbers and I text him my address for the play date tomorrow.

I can't wait to see Loki's face tomorrow when Zeus comes barrelling in to our apartment.