Solitude

A Solitary Heartbreak

Life in the last six months has been nothing but buoyant. My anxiety, still as ever present, didn't feel as overpowering. Alex calmed me, even when he wasn't with me. He made me feel things that I never thought I'd feel in my life and he made me question my solidarity.

I didn't want to spend every waking moment indoors. I wanted to be with him. Alex and I were strong and seeing him made the whole world stop. I was in love with him and I didn't once question his love for me.

It was like we were made for each other. We knew each others rhythm, we were synchronised in a beat only we knew. We were like magnets, attracting us to each other in a way neither of us had experienced before.

It was love.

I busied myself with tidying away my shopping items, reaching on my tip toes to store away a can of soup in the cupboard when the door banged open and shut.

I jumped at the sound, hitting my head on the door of the cupboard. Wincing, I shut the door and turned, seeing Alex stood where the wall should be separating the kitchen and living room.

"Hey." I grinned up at him. He kept quiet, just staring at me. I swallowed, shifting on my feet from his intense gaze. There was something wrong, I could see it in his eyes, a certain gleam that made me want to shy away from him and run for the hills but I didn't. This was Alex. I was safe. "What's wrong?"

His silent act ended when he chuckled, the bitter sound sent a chill down my spine, freezing my muscles like ice. "Are you fucking serious?"

I tried to take a step back but my back hit the edge of the counter. Hurt washed over me from his words and tone like a tidal wave. He was angry. And it was directed at me. I didn't know what I had done to make him like this. He was furious.

"What do you me-"

"Stop fucking talking!" He roared and I flinched at the sound.

I'm okay. I'm okay. I was okay. It's not him. It's not my da-

"You're a fucking bitch you know that?" He spat at me and I flinched again, the tears that sprung in to action burning my eyes. "You're a bitch and a whore."

No. I shook my head at the voice that entered my mind and the image that followed. 'You're a bitch. No one is going to love you'. Yellow teeth, brown eyes and a graying beard branded themselves behind my eyes.

No. Stop. I was okay.

"I actually loved you. You really fooled me. You're just a slut like the rest of them." I flinched again, shrinking back when he trudged before me. "Guess who I just went to see?" He glared.

I shook my head, the tears starting to fall down my cheeks. This wasn't Alex. This wasn't my Alex. Where was he? This was-

No. Stop.

"Your dear little daddy." My blood ran cold in my veins and my eyes snapped up to his blazing ones filled with hate. No! No. He can't have gone to see him!

The ground started to shake like an earthquake, or maybe it was my body. Maybe it was my body that was shaking and shuddering and wheezing and dying. My lungs collapsed without warning. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. I couldn't-

It was just the yellow teeth, grey beard, brown eyes, his raised fis-

"What is this Oaklee?" His voice was lower now but still fuelled by fire and anger. It was so familiar, taking me back to my teenage years. The years I hated life and the years I wanted to kill myself. I couldn't be back there. I was twenty five. I was an adult. I was okay.

I forced my eyes down, seeing the silver ring held between his index and thumb. The breath escaped me and once again my blood ran cold. "A-A r-ring?"

He nodded, a vicious smirk spreading across his lips. "I was going to ask you to marry me, love." I flinched again when he spat out the endearment like acid on his tongue, staring at me like I was the most disgusting and vile person he had ever seen.

What had I done? Why was he acting like this?

The questions swirled around in my head and I tried to back away from his hate-filled glare but I couldn't. I was trapped.

"I found your dad, he lives about two hours away. I thought I'd ask for his blessing before I'd pop the question, try and reconcile the two of you since you lost touch." I shake my head widly, the tears falling like a waterfall down my face now. No. I can't see him. No no no no no. "And when he opens the door, guess who I see?" A sob escapes me and I raise a trembling hand to muffle it. "I see the man who stumbled out of the car that crashed in to my mums car. Your dad killed my mum."

No. Oh god no. Another sob wracks through my body and I almost don't recognise the sound, it's so scared and broken. It's the old me breaking through.

"Why didn't you fucking tell me?" He shouts, screams at me. I push myself further in to the counter to escape him. My arms wrap around my body and my face lowers down, hiding away from the punches that are bound to come.

That's what used to happen. He's going to hit me like him. His voice is so much like his. I'm back in that house.

My head shakes wildly on its own accord. "I-I di-didnt-"

"I'm not going to fall for that fake innocent/ dumb bullshit any longer. That's just what you are. You're stupid and you're a gold digger and a liar and I hate you." He whispers hatefully, his eyes gleaming with his disgust and pain.

I want to tell him that I have no idea what he's going on about. I want to tell him that the same crash that killed his mum killed my mum as well and I want to apologise for not telling him that any sooner but I can't. My throat is burning and the sobs make it impossible for any words to leave my lips. I can't talk. I can't breathe. I can't feel anything but the agonising pain of his familiar words that course through me. It hurts so much. It feels like someone has tied a weight around my body and pushed me in to a never ending pool of darkness.

I'm drowning and dying and burning.

"I hope you're proud of yourself. You fooled Alexander King. It was all very believable but now I see you for the lying bitch and no good slut you really are." He throws the engagement ring at me, it hitting my stomach like a punch, knocking the tiny breath of air out of me that I managed to inhale, before clattering to the floor.

I don't even look at it. All I can see is the man I love staring at me like a stranger while the pain explodes within me once again. He sends me one last hateful glare before stomping out, slamming the door shut so hard behind him that the entire apartment shakes.

Loud, heart wrenching and body trembling sobs fills the air. The pain in my heart only increases, stabs and bullet wounds piercing my chest and vital organ. It hurts. It hurts so much.

Why did he go to see my dad? Why did he see that monster? Why did that monster have to kill my mum and Alex's mum?

I pull at my hair, I cry in to the air. I try and inhale, I try to inflate my lungs with oxygen but it doesn't work. My whole body has just stopped. I'm dying. I have to be dying.

I'm drowning and suffocating at the same time, being plunged in to water with a weight wrapped around me and a plastic bag tied around my head. I'm being shot and stabbed at the same time. I'm dying.

The whole world around me concaves and turns to dust. As the ground beneath me gives way, my knees buckle and I feel pain explode in my head when my skull connects with the kitchen counter.

The last things I feel before my world dies and blackness takes over is my body collapsing on the floor, even more pain erupting through my body like a tidal wave and something cold and wet nuzzling against my face.