Solitude

A Solitary Loss

The first thing I feel when the darkness starts to fade is pain. Pain erupts in my head and body and all I want is to be pulled back in to the darkness that inhabited me, shielding me from the exploding and agonising torture.

Someone had kicked my skull with steel toe boots, it was aching and pounding and throbbing. I want to stay asleep, I want to cuddle back in to this uncomfortable bed, itchy blanket and flat pillow and allow sleeps pull to tug me back in to its grasp.

I try and force myself back in to darkness, where the pain can't touch me and I'm unaware of everything, where anxiety can't touch me and pain doesn't hurt me but my mind doesn't allow it. My mind is awake, in pain and screaming, but awake.

I open my eyes, squinting and blinking when the bright light blinds me momentarily. Everything is groggy and strange, like I've been asleep for a hundred years and woken up to a whole new world.

What happened? Where am I?

I try to remember what happened, how I ended up in this white room where the smell of disinfectant blinds my senses but nothing comes to mind, it's a blank slate. I try and push myself, my face screwing up in concentration and annoyance to remember what happened but I come up blank, I can't remember anything.

"Oaklee! Thank god you're awake. You scared me to death." Morgan's exclamation shocks me and I jump in the bed, snapping me head to face her. She stands up from the uncomfortable looking chair with wooden arm rests and wraps her arms around me carefully. The movement hurts but I hug her back, relief flooding through me to see a familiar face in this confusing time.

Maybe she knows what happened and can explain it to me. I'm sure once she tells me the memory will come rushing back.

"What happened?" I stare around the room. The ceiling, door, floor is all perfect white, hurting my eyes with its harshness. A grey cushioned chair sits beside the bed which Morgan sits back down on, sky blue curtains frame the window, showing me the white sky. It looks miserable out there like the sky is readying itself for a huge storm.

"You hit your head. It was a good thing I was coming round or else you might not have been found until Alex came round the next day to bring Zeus." Her relief is clear but my confusion overrules my gratitude.

"Who's Alex? Who's Zeus?"

She states at me with a blank face while I tilt my head in confusion. Who was she talking about?

"Oaklee, Alex is your boyfriend." I shrug and shake my head. I haven't got a boyfriend and I definitely don't know anyone called Alex. "Alex King. Alexander King. He's your boyfriend."

I laugh. "Why do you keep saying that? I don't know anyone called Alex. I don't have a boyfriend. You know I can't talk to people. How on earth would I be able to have a boyfriend?"

"Oh Oaklee." She whispers, her eyes swirling with sympathy and pain. "I'm going to go talk to the doctor, okay?"

I nod and watch her leave, my mind scrambled with her words. I've never heard of the name Alex. My anxiety prohibits me from talking to anyone, I can't even smile at someone when they walk past. I find it hard to thank the cashier who rings up my groceries at the supermarket, hell I can't even look at him.

It doesn't take long until Morgan is back, a middle aged man following her. He looks kind, his smile making me smile. He had blonde hair and kind brown eyes hidden behind round glasses and a graying stubble on his jaw. A clipboard and pen balance in his hands and I can see part of his hand writing. It's messy and scrawled all over the place.

"Hi Oaklee, I'm Dr. Pierce. How are you feeling?" He asks me kindly, his voice warm and welcoming.

I don't even think about my anxiety when I reply. I feel comfortable around him. He has a calming aura. "I'm feeling good. My head hurts a little but other than that I'm fine."