Solitude

A Solitary Birthday

"When is your birthday?"

I glanced over to Alex who walked beside me along the canal.

Spring had begun in mid March, the wind wasn't as harsh or Arctic-like and rain didn't pummel the earth every day. The sun shone as we walked, clouds splattered across the blue and a calm breeze blew, sending small ripples across the surface of the canal, disrupting the serene stillness. Flowers had started to bloom, daisies and dandelions grew along the green path beside the mirrored plane. The grass was greener, the trees were lighter and healthier, not looking like skeletons as green started to sprout out of the brown.

Our escapade along the canal felt new, a different walk to what we had been taking for the past several months. There was more colour, a chirp to the air as the birds sang loudly and happily in the trees, a melody that hadn't been quite as charming a few months ago. It was refreshing, warm and anew. This was what Spring was. It brought some kind of hope to the world, to me.

Ducks and swans quacked and honked happily from their home. Nests hidden in the shrubbery caught my attention, the flatness being hidden mostly by the long green grass.

"January twenty-third." I answered quietly, staring at a Swan in the shrubbery. Its perfectly white and elegant feathers caught my attention among the green, its wings expanding like a crown.

"Wait. I missed it? Why didn't you tell me?" He demanded, disbelief masking his tone.

I shrugged, my eyes focusing on two ducks, one brown and the other with an emerald green head. "I don't celebrate my birthday."

"Why?" I kept quiet. "It reminds you of your mum?"

With a sigh, I nodded. "Partly."

"What's the other part?" He prodded gently.

The anxiety in my stomach pooled at the thought of telling him everything. How my anxiety started, why I don't celebrate Christmas or my birthday, why I keep to myself, why I have Loki, why I only spend twelve days a year with Morgan. It would all make sense if I told him but my anxiety wouldn't let me. It caused my throat to constrict and burn, making me physically unable to say the words. Instead I settled for something easier, something simple.

"I just don't celebrate my birthday or Christmas. I haven't since I was seven, my dad didn't want me to."

He was silent for a long time and I started to regret saying anything about my past, even if it was incredibly vague and didn't describe any details whatsoever.

"You shouldn't let your dad control your life, especially now since he's not in it." He said finally. "We should celebrate your twenty fifth birthday today since we missed it."

I breathed out a laugh. "I don't know if you've noticed but I'm not a regular person. I can't be around a lot people. Birthdays and Christmas's are just things I don't do. It's better that way."

"That's Bullshit." My eyes widen at his language. "I'm sorry but it's true. We are going to celebrate your birthday. You only turn twenty five once, believe me I know. I'm thirty one and you should celebrate your twenties." He saw the skeptical look on my face and continued. "It will just be us. No one else."

Only us two. It will be Alex. There won't be anyone else there to cause a spike of my anxiety. I'm comfortable around Alex.

"Okay."

We carried on our walk and I listened while Alex spoke about his company, anecdoting what happened yesterday in meetings and with his staff. I listened carefully, gasping, smiling and letting out a small laugh at the perfect times while my eyes focused on the new scenery.