Solitude

A Solitary Adoration

I didn't realise my anxiety wasn't controlling my life as much until very recently.

I had been alone, walking Zeus and Loki along the canal on our usual route. A woman had walked past with her dog and I didn't panic when I saw her, my mind didn't race with all the possibilities of what I should say or do and I didn't feel nauseated.

Instead, she walked past and smiled at me. I smiled back.

It didn't occur to me what I had done until I walked a further few metres, stopping in my tracks and stared wide-eyed in to nothingness.

I then went home and wrote some of my book with Loki and Zeus curled up on either side of me to calm myself down from the post anxiety that wracked my body.

It was a tiny action, miniscule, and someone else might not have even noticed they had done it but this was me. I had anxiety, I couldn't talk to someone without feeling like the whole world was concaving in on itself.

I had smiled... at a stranger... without even thinking about it.

After I spent hours writing and letting myself dive deep in to the world of my characters, I told Alex when he came to pick Zeus up. The smile on his face made me forget the anxiety that followed my smile and instead I felt proud of myself. Proud just like how Alex felt towards me.

"That's great!" His white teeth gleamed as he smiled. "I'm really proud of you Oaklee."

Crimson crept up my cheeks. "Thanks. I did freak out after and I spent three hours on the sofa with Loki and Zeus, writing with a fan blowing on my face." I point to the large fan on the coffee table that's now turned off.

"It's okay. I'm still proud of you." His smile dimmed a little and his breath sharpened.

I instantly became alert. "Are you having an attack? I can turn the fan on."

Just as I was about to turn to the fan, he grabbed my arm, his touch sending warmth through my body. "No I'm not having an attack but can we sit down? I want to talk."

"Sure." I smiled, leading him over to the sofa.

Instead of us both sitting down, he sat in front of me, on the coffee table and creaked slightly under his weight.

There wasn't enough room for him to spread his legs out so he looked awkward and uncomfortable, boxed in to a space that wasn't accommodating to his size, like putting a giraffe in to a horses carriage.

"Oaklee." He said my name so lowly I almost missed it. "My dog walker called me four months ago. She wanted to come back to work."

Four months ago? That was-

"That was Christmas time." I looked up at him in confusion. "You've had a dog walker since Christmas."

He nodded. "I told her I didn't want her as a dog walker but she needed the job so I hired her as a cleaner."

"If she's been there then why have you been bringing Zeus to mine every day?" I ask, shaking my head to try to understand.

He slid of the table, kneeling in front of me. Somehow he was still taller than me on his knees. "Every day I look forward to dropping Zeus off in the morning, talking to you for a few minutes and then picking him back up in the evening and talking to you for a few minutes again. I love talking to you at night where we discuss our day and when I make you laugh about stupid things. I especially love the days when I accompany you on the walks with our dogs. I like spending time with you. I keep bringing Zeus round, and I didn't say anything about the dog walker, because the highlight of my day is when I see you and hear your voice. I like you Oaklee. A lot more than I thought I could ever like anyone."