Solitude

A Solitary Companionship

I remembered everything that had happened in the ten months; every repeated conversation that Alex had with me, every forced smile when I would ask how he knew so much about me and every day he spent with me.

There was one conversation, however, that rung through my mind every second of every day:

'We fell in love Oak, slowly and beautifully. It was the most beautiful love story ever written'

My heart flipped and dipped and stopped whenever I thought about those words. My entire body lit up as if it were the night sky at new years, a smile would grace my lips and my stomach would erupt with butterflies.

I couldn't forget those words even if I tried.

Those seventeen words and two sentences were the reason why I phoned Morgan in the first place. In truth, I didn't want to hear any kind of excuse. I had been abused by my so called father for eleven years, using the exact same words and more that Alex had spat at me. I didn't deserve to be treated like that and I couldn't talk to someone who reminded me so much of my father.

But then I remembered my birthday, him recreating our picnic and those seventeen words. Why would he say that if he had meant what he said all those months ago? Why would he stick around if he hated me?

I didn't know the answers and, honestly, I didn't know if I wanted the answers.

In the end my curiosity got the best of me and I phoned Morgan. She might have hated him but she wasn't cruel. She knew I needed to know what had happened.

To some, my decision to take Alex back would be seen as stupid and pathetic. How could you take someone back who had looked at you with so much hate and repeated the same words your own father abused you with for years?

The answer was pretty simple actually.

Because it's Alex.

Alex had, respectively, only been in my life a short time compared to Morgan but in that time period, I had put my trust in him and fell in love with him. To me, we were perfect together; the hermit and the workaholic.

With him I wasn't so much of a hermit and with me he wasn't so much of a workaholic. We balanced each other, we unknowingly helped each other and without him in my life I knew I would go back to the person I was. A person I didn't want to be.

You don't notice how far down that hole you are until you've climbed out. I had climbed out once only to find out that I hadn't, not really. I had been resting on a ledge for the past few years until Alex came along.

But with Alex, before everything that had happened, I was out of that hole and I was breathing the fresh air, I was grinning like a fool and I was in love. Now, I'm tottering on the edge, waiting for a hand to help me or a shove that would send me straight back in to that hole.

Even though he hurt and betrayed me in a way that was so personal and heart breaking, I also forgave him with the snap of my fingers. I didn't blame him, I wasn't going to blame him. I knew I didn't need him, I would manage on my own somehow like I had done for years before him but I wanted him and I have never wanted anything in my life.

For once, I wanted to be selfish. I think I deserved to be selfish.

As he said, we fell in love slowly and beautifully. I'm still falling even now.

"What are you thinking so hard about?" His voice cut through my thoughts as we walked together along the canal, hand in hand.

It was October once again. I had lost a year of my life, a stranger had taken over in the last year. My eyes studied every minute detail like I was seeing it for the first time. Every fallen leaf, every strain of grass, every ripple of water, every breath of wind that blew, whipping my brown hair around my face.