It Gets Complicated (BoyxBoy)

Chapter 18: I Can't Help You

A/N:

The bold lines will represent Jay writing in his journal and the italicized lines will represent a flashback of past events.

...........

"Just have fun." I stared at myself in the mirror of my friend's house, glaring at the frown that had come over my face at the thought of the last party I had attended. The makeup on my face made my cheeks look hollow and eyes weary, as well as making me appear just plain dirty. I was supposed to be Robin Hood, though, so I think it all came together quite nicely.

Tonight is the senior class' Halloween party and I have spent all day distracting myself and getting ready. Odds were that it would be a bust and only twenty or so people would show up, but I loved Halloween and the idea of not moping in my room all night was enough to get me in a costume.

"If you can just make yourself smile for the first little bit, maybe you'll actually smile for real at the end, yeah?" I was mumbling to myself in my mirror, because that's what sane people do.

"You okay in there?" Luana asked from the other room.

"Yeah," I lied, "just not looking forward to breaking out tomorrow with all this shit clogging my pores." I know it sounds gay; but seriously, whenever I had to wear makeup for a costume or a skit I was doing, it always made me break out, but I still let it happen every time.

"You'll be fine." She entered the bathroom, touching up her black lipstick. Luana had thrown together quite the sexy skeleton costume and honestly made me feel a little insecure about my own costume. That's how I felt all the time though I guess...especially since I left Ryan.

Three weeks had gone by without a word being spoken between us. Well, let me rephrase that, three weeks had passed since I had spoken to him. He occasionally sent me a text message or tried to call me, but I never opened or answered his attempts to contact me. I didn't need that in my life.

"Ready to go?"

I smiled at our reflection and nodded. It was time to focus on my life and stop worrying about what already or what could have happened.

...........

I sat at a table outside of the small coffee shop, glancing around every few minutes or so as I waited. Derek was supposed to be meeting me here. He called me yesterday, apparently having heard Ryan's side of the story already and now wanting to know mine. At first, I had refused. I didn't want anything to do with Ryan anymore, and even though Derek and I were close that meant that I needed to cut him off too. It was just a painful reminder that I was living a fantasy where Ryan would actually choose me over any one of his other options.

"Keep your chin up, bud." My eyes shot up to find Derek smiling at me from across the table.

"I'd rather just fall in a hole and die, but ya know," I shrugged, letting the topic drop as quickly as it'd been brought up.

"Tell me what happened." Well, I guess I hadn't been expecting him to beat around the bush, he was Derek after all.

"We went to the party and he started drinking and ran off with his friends. Then, Kyle found me in the house and he showed me around and we had fun for a little while."

"Did you drink?" I nodded, staring at my clasped hands on the table. I didn't want him to ask that question. He'd probably try to talk me into believing that none of it happened and that I was just drunk, but I wasn't. I knew what happened. I knew... "Go on."

"I ended up sitting with Ryan on a couch and he was telling me he was sorry for getting so drunk and then he got a text message and I looked at his phone in his lap and there was-" I choked on the words. I didn't want to say them...I hadn't told anyone what happened, I hadn't even said it aloud to myself. A tear started it journey down my cheek, followed by another while I squeezed my eyes shut in an attempt to hold back the pain. A hand rested over mine and I heard Derek take a deep breath.

"It's alright, Jay." The only things was, it wasn't. Ryan sending nudes to someone shouldn't have this kind of effect on me. I should be mad and dumping him and forgetting we ever happened, or maybe even putting him through hell and back with the guilt until I forgave him eventually, but it hurt so much worse than anyone seemed to understand. He was my first real love, someone who had never done anything that he thought would even remotely upset me, and...I loved him. I pulled myself together, wiping the salty streaks from my face.

"They had been texting since Ryan started drinking. Ryan had been saying that he missed Zack and that he should come to the party. Then the nudes were swapped and when I saw them I just ran. I ended up running smack into someone twice my size and was about to get my ass kicked until Kyle got rid of whatever girl he had been trying to sleep with and took me home." I took a deep breath, realizing that mos of my words had come out as a rushed jumble.

"Sounds about right." Derek nodded. "I mean, I was expecting a few difference in your story and Ryan's, but quite honestly they're the same." I didn't say anything, there was nothing to say. Derek started drinking his coffee, casually leaning back in his seat and beginning an extended period of silence.

"So what now, Derek? What did you want to talk to me for?" Deep down I knew I wanted him to fix this somehow. I wanted Derek to come to the rescue like he had in the past and make all of our problems feel so little and stupid. He didn't.

"I just wanted to make sure you were okay." I felt a knot forming in my stomach.

"I'm not."

"He cheated on you, Jay. Black and white, plain and simple. I know it hurts now, but you'll either forgive or you'll forget. I can't make that decision for you." Derek had left after saying that, and by the time I made it to my car, I couldn't decide if my heart was breaking even more than before, or if I saw an opportunity to fix myself...and Ryan.

..........

The party had been small, only about twenty-five people actually showing up, but we had fun anyways. The smile on my face was now genuine and I could honestly say that I hadn't thought about
Ryan since I arrived. It was good for me.

That night, Ryan sent me another message. "Hey Jay, I know I've been bothering you a lot here lately and it's just because the thought of losing you...it kills me. These past few months with you have been some of the best of my life and I know I fucked up. I know I did all that stuff with Zack and that it was wrong and I don't deserve to even ask for you to forgive me, I don't even deserve to get a reply to this message, but I love you, Jay. Please. Please give me one more chance to make it up to you. I can't lose you...<3"

"Okay."

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A/N:

Thanks for reading! I know I know, my promise of updates have been empty, but I got a tattoo yesterday for my birthday! Love you guys! If you liked this chapter please feel free to leave a vote or a comment or both! xx

-Tay