It Gets Complicated (BoyxBoy)

Chatper 25: Choose To Love

A/N:

Any bold lines will represent Jay writing in his journal and any italicized lines will be a flashback of past events.

..........

"Victoria, he's gone." My hands were trembling as I clutched the phone even tighter.

"Wait, what do you mean "he's gone"? Like, did he leave your house, or did he leave you?"

"Both."

"I'm on my way." I could hear her car starting through the phone before I disconnected. Our relationship was like that though, even if we had grown apart over the past few months. She was my person.

I sat down in my floor, staring up at the wall that had become the bane of my existence. Everything had been frozen since he left, a sort of denial settling over me until this moment. I was alone, just as I always would be. Ryan wasn't coming back, he didn't WANT to come back...he didn't want to love me, not anymore.

The first sob came then, a sudden outburst that echoed through my empty house. The emotions all came tumbling down on me like a bag of cinder blocks, almost suffocating me as cries filled the air and tears streamed down my face. I clutched at my sides, wishing the pain would stop, that my heart would quit beating with its hollow thud...it was only a hollow shell of what it used to be...and so was I.

"Why?!" I cried out, my blurred vision attempting to focus on the wall before me. "Why did you have to-" more sobs interrupted my insane ranting. "Why?" It was the only word I could think of, the only question I wanted-no-needed the answer to. Why did he do this to me? Why did I let him? Why did I love him? Just why?

I said I wouldn't let this happen. I told myself not to let him back in. I tried to put my walls up...but I couldn't. How do you block out the one person you love-the one you want to lay down with at the end of the day and forget about everything but the warmth beside you?

Tears rained down upon the page, more than I had previously thought I could possibly shed. It wasn't often that someone made me cry, but Ryan did. He always made me cry. He always knew just how to hurt me...he knew me.

He left me here. Ryan is gone...and he's not coming back. That happy ending, that long life with your true love, it's all bull shit. Love is a joke. It's a cruel and deceitful bastard that kicks you while your down and steals your damn wallet...love is a wonderful tragedy.

My phone rang from the floor. It had already gone off twice, but the sound just wasn't connecting. Nothing was. My life was just...nothing. Well, everything and nothing at the same time. It was easier to feel the nothing rather than the everything, though. Everything hurt like a bitch.

"Jay? Hello? Hey, c'mon man say something, it's Derek." I didn't respond for a long time after answering the phone call, still trying to force it all out, trying to make myself believe that none of this was happening.

"He's gone." The words left my mouth on their own accord, forcing a hand to go over my now gaping mouth and my eyes to shoot wide open. I had made the realization several times already, but something about this one was different. It didn't just hurt me, it destroyed me. I yelled into the phone as even harsher sobs forced themselves out of me.

"Jay, shh, calm down," Derek tried. He kept trying and asking me to get a hold of myself, but I couldn't. I was on the phone with the one guy, besides Ryan, that I was completely open and honest with, the guy that always knew what to do when things in my life went to hell, and right now all I could think about was that he had to have known. Ryan had to have told him, warned him, about what he was going to do.

"You-you knew!" My voice cracked. "I trusted you with everything and-" I couldn't get a hold of myself. This was DEREK I was trying to be mad at....I just couldn't.

"Just listen for a sec, kid." I shook my head, biting down on my lip to hold in the shaky words that were going to try and escape. I couldn't listen and let him make excuses or try to tell me everything was going to be okay. It wasn't. I wasn't. Nothing was. "You don't know the whole story."

"I'm sure he's with Zack again, right?" The words fell out once again and one of my hands ran through my earlier perfect hair. I probably looked like a mess. I was a mess.

"Jay, shut up and listen to me damn it!" I bit my lip once again, trying to hold back the cries that wanted to follow his anger. Derek never got mad at me, not like this. "I love you, man, but you need to stop acting like such a damn child and listen to what I have to say. You aren't the only person that got hurt tonight, in fact, Ryan was trying to shield you from as much of the pain as possible."

My head was spinning. What was that supposed to mean? How could he have been protecting me? Ryan had practically taken my heart and stomped it into a million pieces on his way out the door.

"Earlier this week, Ryan's parents found out that he's gay. I don't know how much you know about Ryan's home life, but his parents aren't the most open-minded people. Apparently his dad flipped out and his mom was crying and it was a really big ordeal. In the end, his father told him that he had two choices: either Ryan could go to Europe for six months to "get his shit straight," I'm assuming the pun was intended, or he could continue to be a "filthy homosexual" with that "disgusting fagot," he was referring to you by the way, and be completely cut off from their funds. Now, I'm sure you've noticed that Ryan is a high class, big spender kind of guy with his fancy car and gigantic apartment. Without his parents money, he wouldn't be able to support himself. Not to mention the ridiculous need of his to try and support you."

"What do you mean?" This information left me speechless and confused. How was I supposed to process all of this? Maybe I should just keep crying...it's a lot easier than getting all of this thrown back in my face.

"Jay, the boy was going to tell his parents to go fuck themselves and try to make it on his own. He has a damn ring that he planned on proposing to you with after telling you all of this in person. He wanted to try and make all of it work, but it wouldn't have, bud."

"You talked him out of it...didn't you?" My voice was monotone, my emotions completely burnt out. I couldn't handle all of this. Derek was literally grinding the little remains Ryan had left behind into dust.

"I did."

Love him, not for what he did, but for what he's done. Love him for how he treated you. Love him for the memories you've shared. Love him for the days you spent loving each other. Just love him. Hating him will do nothing, nothing but hurt you're already broken heart. So choose to love. Love everything you were and everything you are. Love the person he was and the person he is. Love...let it be your light...let it guide you on.

...............

A/N:

Thanks for reading! I hope you guys like the new story cover as much as I do! (Hec Daevis designed it btw, and if you don't know who he is, you should look him up. Awesome guy and gifted writer <3)

Anyways, if you liked this part of the story please leave a vote or a comment or both! I love reading about y'alls reactions to the story! xx

-Tay