It Gets Complicated (BoyxBoy)

Chapter 10: Blue Jay

A/N:

Any bold lines will represent Jay writing in his journal. Any italicized lines will represent flashbacks of past events.

.............

I sat on the opposite side of the couch, my knees pulled up to my chest, my eyes locked on a small stain on the cushion. I had gotten myself in over my head. The boy I had just given my full trust, my entire commitment, my first "I love you," and now I didn't even know who he was.

"Please say something," he pleaded. I wanted to look over at him. I wanted to see the care in his eyes and the worry on his face. I wanted to lay down in his arms and let him tell me that everything was okay and that he was sorry for not saying these things sooner...but I didn't. I stared down at the couch still, a tear sliding down my paling cheek.

"Say it." I said. There was no emotion behind the words, there was nothing in me at all. Just...emptiness.

"Say what?" He moved closer, almost reaching out to take my hand. Almost. My eyes locked on his in anger, no, pure rage.

"Go ahead!" I yelled. "Tell me about how you hit on me in the mall and we had what I call our first date while you were still with him! You're a cheater!" I had gotten off the couch at some point and started pacing, running my hands through my hair. "Oh my God," I covered my mouth as I gasped, "I'm a whore. I'm the one person I have hated and yelled at and fought with for years. I stole you from your boyfriend, I slept in your bed, I said that I love you! No, no I can't be. It's not my fault...but it is." All of my anger shifted to despair just as quickly as it had come. He was staring at me from a few feet away, panic on his face, his arms constantly moving as if he wanted to comfort me, but he kept his distance as I continued to rant. "I need you to explain to me." I nodded to myself between shaky breaths while wiping my tears away. "I need you to tell me that I'm not understanding this and that you didn't do this and that none of this is happening. Tell me I'm drunk, tell me I'm dreaming, make up an excuse and lie to me, just tell me something." I sobbed, falling to the floor. My face was pressed to my knees as the sobs wracked through my entire body.

"Blue Jay-" he started, but his words stopped when I started shaking my head frantically.

"I can't, Ryan. I just can't." I looked at him, or I suppose he was standing there since my vision was completely blurred by tears. "You can't call me that." It came from a special moment. The memory from only last night seemed like months ago, however, the memory was warm.

.........

"I love you more." The words left my mouth so naturally, and they felt so right. So, was this what love felt like? To be absolutely terrified of not knowing what you were doing, but being certain that it was the right thing? That, or I just have issues. I definitely have issues...but this wasn't one of them. "You're stupid sometimes and you get jealous way too fast, you embarrass the hell out of me all the time, you've got this insane temper and an absurd drinking problem in my opinion." I paused, taking a deep breath and putting a finger over his lips when he tried to speak. "But you're also incredibly sweet. You say and do all the right things at all the right times. You're overprotective and cocky, but in a good way. You're this muscular college boy that loves me and makes me feel like the entire world is stopping just so I can look into your eyes. Ryan, you are everything I love in this world." Okay, so maybe I'm being all in the moment and head over heels, but he gave me this feeling unlike anything I'd ever felt...he made me feel loved.

"Are you done?" He asked after a few moments of comfortable silence, just holding each other in the kitchen. I nodded and bit my lip, looking up into those brown eyes and wanting to stay in that moment forever. Of course, the kiss that followed was even better. It was a typical movie kiss, long, tender, and drawn out. "I love you." He whispered with his forehead pressed to mine.

We spent the next few hours talking and drinking. Drinking and talking. And drinking. I took it slow, knowing that one of us needed to ensure that the other didn't go on a hunt for Zack in a drunk stupor. We were laying in his bed when he started gushing about the things he liked, no loved, about me.

"You're always so snarky and sarcastic and you don't care who you're talking to, you still think you're the baddest bitch in the place. You have a weird laugh and you get embarrassed every time I compliment you. And your clothes..." He trailed off, playing with a button on my flannel. I chuckled and swat his hand away.

"What about my clothes?"

"They always bring out your eyes, because you wear a lot of blue, Jay." His face lit up like a kid in a candy store. If it wasn't for the fact that it was 100% true, I wouldn't have described such a unique man with an overused simile. "You're a little Blue Jay!" He started laughing, pulling me close to his chest as he continued to tell me about how funny it was. This was a nickname I knew he wouldn't forget, but it was sweet. I laughed along with him, promising myself that this was how I wanted to feel for the rest of my life. Happy.

.............

I looked up at him, trying to compose myself. The memory was enough to try and pull me back in. I couldn't let it. I couldn't let myself remember that I loved him, because then nothing that he did would make me upset. I couldn't hold my ground against love, no one could. It's like jumping into a fire and expecting not to get burned. Great, my resolve was weakening.

I can't let him explain things. When men explain things, they always play the victim card or they say these perfect little things and they lie to get out of the hole they've been digging. I had heard enough bullshit in the past to not trust the "I'm sorry" speech or even the "I screwed up" recap.

"No." His back met the wall to the hallway just before he slid down to the floor. "You're right. I put you in this position, and it's my fault." Great, here it comes. I was raising my mental defenses when something bumped into my foot. I looked down to see his car keys. What? "This isn't fair to you and I don't want you to leave, but I know you do. You don't deserve this in your life, and I don't deserve you. You-" his voice cracked, "you deserve better than me." I had dealt with my fair share of break ups after a few weeks of dating, I had handled the crap guys said that made you want to stay, but I had never seen this.

"I can't take your ca-" he cut me off.

"It's just a car, Jay." His head was down on his knees and a small laugh escaped his mouth. "It's the least of my worries right now." I hadn't seen him like this before. He was...weak. I'd seen cocky, funny, happy, sad, caring, angry, drunk, horny, lazy, embarrassed, playful...but not this. This broke my heart. No, I can't think things like that. I have to get up and leave. I had to. I got to my feet and walked towards the door, hesitating with my hand on the door knob. Don't look at him. Don't look at him. "I'm sorry, Jay. I'm so sorry." He whispered as the door shut.

A/N:

I think I like these longer chapters, and the cliff hangers, what about you guys? Anyways, if you enjoyed this part of the story please leave a vote or a comment! Thanks for reading! xx

-Tay