Yearn For Agony // Billie Eilish

VII

Leilani

Billie and I have been friends for over two months now and we hang out as much as humanly possible. Wednesdays however, are still reserved for studying.

Her company is a nice change of pace. We can talk about serious shit while still being able to break out in a fit of ugly laughter the next second.

I haven't told her my life story or my most gruesome secrets just yet, but I feel like she gets me. She might even know me better than I know myself.

Billie sees right through me.

I'm not sure she can say the same for me. There's a platonic door to her heart that I want to open, but she has yet to give me the key.

She has a hard shell with a soft spot I'm trying to find.

Right now, we're in her room, once again, I'm sitting on the floor in a beanbag chair and she's laying down on her bed.

We're talking our heads off, ranting about any and everything. The first thought that comes to mind, we say aloud.

"That's what I'm saying, Lei. It's capitalism's fault. The world's greatest problems can be traced back to capitalism. It's a racist, misogynistic system, specifically designed to make the rich richer and keep the poor, poor. Not only is it a primary root for inequality, but it also causes market failure, excess materialism, and damages the environment. People are born just to die. We're all robots. We go to school, maybe even college, get a job just to survive, retire and then die depressed, in a shit-ton of debt. Entitled white guys will still say 'but capitalism breeds innovation'— Yeah right, say that to every Hallmark movie."

She spews out casually, never taking a breath. When she's done talking, there's a pause and she turns on her side to look down at me.

"Have you ever read the manifesto of the communist party?"

"No, Billie. I've never read about the public declaration of communism." I joke, but she doesn't catch on right away.

"Well, you should. I think I have a copy, I'll let you borrow it. Let me know if I've successfully converted you by the end of it." She clicks her tongue and winks.

Three solid knocks on Billie's room door, wipes the smirk off of her face.

"Come in."

Her dad peaks his head in, "Dinner's ready, Bil."

Billie glances over at me with an unreadable expression before looking back at her dad.

"Um, I'll eat later. When Leilani goes home."

"Are you sure? It'll be cold by then,"

"Yes. I'm sure. I'll just reheat it, don't worry about it." She mumbles, returning back to me.

He nods and the door closes gently. The sound of his footsteps becomes fainter as he walks away.

A part of me wants to believe she just wants to spend more time with me, but there's another part telling me there's another reason.

I can't help but feel guilty.

"I'm sorry--"

"It's not your fault." She quickly interrupts.