Yearn For Agony // Billie Eilish

XXXII

Leilani

It seemed as though everything was moving far too quickly. Or maybe everything was moving painfully slow and we were all on a steady path downhill. All I wanted was a break.

I've never seen my dad so stressed. The lawsuit he had in the works was going to be expensive, meaning he more than likely has to dip into savings to cover it. He's been taking extra shifts to avoid this and guarantee that we get the best lawyer available.

I don't see him often, partially because of work, partially because Billie's house is my temporary residence instead of his.

I'm holding onto a thread of hope, praying that when all of this is over, I'll never have to see my mom again.

To add on, the excess stress has completely destroyed my appetite and I haven't been eating like I used to. And although I have no appetite and a very small will to eat, I do get hungry. So, I distract that aching feeling with ice. Lots and lots of it.

Billie is oblivious but I can't bring myself to step forward and tell her I'm having problems again.

She still thinks I'm sticking to my schedule, consuming 2,000 calories a day. Now that I'm back to where I started, it's hard to imagine that I was eating healthy, and regularly at one point.

Billie has it hard enough on her own and I honestly can't tell if she's handling it well. On one hand, someone she loved wholeheartedly is dead and she'll never see her again. But on the other hand, that person, in all actuality never loved her back.

She's constantly cycling through a mixture of emotions on a daily. Just when I thought I've finally figured her out, I realized I haven't.

This morning, for example, she had been particularly quiet, not saying or doing much. No sense of direction.

She tried to distract herself by reading a book but when ten minutes passed and she had yet to flip the page, I had to speak up.

"Billie?"

"Huh?" She looked up from the inked words before quickly realizing her mistake. "Shit, sorry. Spaced out for a bit."

"Hey, if you wanna talk to me about anything, you can." I reached for her hand and gave it a gentle, reassuring squeeze.

"I know, but it's just really complicated. Like, I dunno if I can put it into words. I don't know how to feel anymore. I'm heartbroken and pissed at the same time, then in the back of my mind, I'm worrying about you constantly--"

"Don't. I want you to go clear your mind give yourself some space. Take a drive or something," I suggest.

"You sure?"

"I'm sure. It'll be good for you."

She looks a little hesitant to concede but does it anyway.

"Okay. Don't be afraid to call me if you need anything though, you know I'd stop time for you."

I smile, "I know."

Before she leaves, she holds my face in her hands and kisses my forehead, fishing her car keys out of her pocket afterward.

—

Billie

As I drive, I try my best to sort my thoughts. It doesn't take me long before I realize I find very little comfort in being lonely.

Honestly, I'd rather have Leilani here with me. Or at the very least, I wish I would've stayed home.

Sure, I like being alone but I've come to learn I hate being lonely.