Yearn For Agony // Billie Eilish

XXV

Leilani

1,800 calories.

I remember it like it was yesterday.

Well, because it was yesterday.

After weeks of progress and failure, yesterday marked the first day I've consumed over 1,800 calories in three years.

I recall staring down at my empty plate, then looking up at Billie, who was smiling from ear to ear. I glanced down once more, unashamedly cracked a smile, and met her eyes again.

Of course, the process was extensive, arduous, and irritating at times, but I don't regret a thing.

I didn't need a professional or an elongated stay at some facility, all I needed was me and my favorite girl.

It's definitely beneficial for a select few, but it's not for me.

Nowadays, I feel healthier and full of energy. My headaches are gone and the thing that surprises me the most is that when I look in the mirror I don't hate the person staring back at me.

I'm proud of her.

And possibly even more thankful for Billie.

—

"Okay so, the verse has two turnarounds and they alternate. The chords for the first turnaround are C..." Billie pauses momentarily to guide my fingers on the ukulele.

"And then G... A minor..."

About a week ago, Billie started teaching me to play the ukulele. Like every other beginner, she taught me Riptide first.

As of right now, I was sitting in between her legs on the bed, attempting to learn Let It Be by The Beatles.

Chin propped on my shoulder, she watched as I played the verse in its entirety, according to the directions she gave me.

When I was done, she grinned and kissed my cheek, claiming, "You're a natural."

I knew I was a little delayed on some parts and off-key on others, but she was just telling me that because I was her girlfriend.

And I appreciated it.

I smiled and returned the kiss.

"Y'know," She began. "I was gonna suggest this yesterday, but I think we should celebrate 1,800."

I laughed.

"Why? That's still 200 away from 2,000."

She scrunched her eyebrows in confusion. "Yeah so? 1,800 is still a big deal. It wasn't easy but you did it, right?"

"I guess," I mumbled with a shrug. "How do you think we should celebrate?"

"I dunno, what's one thing you've always wanted to do but never got the chance to?"

A slightly devilish smile tugged on my lips.

I set the instrument down and turned around to face her. I'm sure she can see the excitement written all over my face.

"What?" She chuckles, cocking an eyebrow.

—

Not even twenty minutes later, we're walking inside of a tattoo shop.

"This is where I got my first one," Billie looks back at me and gives my hand a reassuring squeeze.

I'm following her lead, almost mocking her shadow. Although I suggested the idea, I had become more and more reluctant during the drive.