Yearn For Agony // Billie Eilish

XXXV

Leilani

Textbook definition, recovery can be described as the return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength.

I thinks that's a little vague.

The second definition of recovery isn't inherently supposed to apply to my circumstance, but it does— The action or process of regaining possession or control of something stolen or lost.

My dignity and self respect had been stripped from me from a very young age. Societal beauty standards were ingrained into my mind by the media and even my own mother.

I've never truly felt worthy. At heart, I felt as though I was never good enough.

My eating disorder turned me into a different person. Mentally and physically. It was the center of attention in my life and I had to tiptoe around other things in order to satisfy its needs.

I felt very inadequate and out of control.

Submissive.

My innocence was stolen and my soul was lost.

When I first got to this facility, one of the first things they did was invite me to personal therapy session.

The purpose of that first session was to explain and help me understand why my disorder exists, how it originated and what they can do to challenge my disordered thoughts and behaviors.

At the end of the session, they made sure to tell me I was valid. That there wasn't anything wrong with me and I my life was valued.

Billie had told me all of these things on countless occasions. Although I knew she actually meant it and was being genuine, it didn't make me feel that much better. It was soothing to hear, of course, but it didn't stick.

And that was simply because she was my girlfriend. She had to say those things.

It's different when a strangers tells you something like that. Why would they lie? They have no prior connection to you, so you believe it more.

The past few weeks have been okay. I'm not miserable in here, but I'm not bouncing off the wall, desperate to make new friends and have the time of my life.

It was almost jail for the privileged. I just wanted to do my time and get out.

"Miss Carter?" A nurse knock on the doorframe, attempting to grab my attention. "Phone call for you,"

My mood brightens up ever so slightly, "Friday already?"

"Friday already." She smiles.

I get up and pick up the phone, my body completely relaxes when I hear her voice.

"Hi baby,"

"Hi, Bil." I'm sure she can hear me cheesing through the phone.

"À chaque fois que nous parlons, mon cœur se sent à nouveau plein."

"Mine too."

She laughs softly, "Since when do you know French?"

"Since I started studying a few days ago. They have a lot of books here. I don't really have anything better to do, why not impress my girlfriend?"

"Congratulations, you've succeeded."

I know I'm smiling like an idiot right now. I turn a little to the side so no one can see how head over heels I am for this girl.

"You wanna hear some good news?"

"Enlighten me, princess."

"I might be getting out soon."