Yearn For Agony // Billie Eilish

XIV

Billie and I don't hang out anymore.

At least not on Wednesdays.

Wednesdays used to be reserved for tutoring, but that came to an abrupt ending when I realized I didn't need her help anymore.

My grades had skyrocketed and I had gotten my first A on a physics test in a really long time. So long in fact, it was a little embarrassing.

Billie was a great teacher and a great person.

She didn't know me when I first approached her and I hadn't said a word to her before that moment, but she still agreed to help.

Part of me wants to believe there was something special about me and she wouldn't have just helped anyone.

Who knows?

Yes, I didn't need her help anymore but I wanted it. I wanted another excuse to be with and around her.

I think she sensed this because she ended up inviting me to the library where she worked.

Textbook wide open, I sat studying at a nearby table while Billie scanned the barcodes on the back of overdue books.

To most, her place of work isn't the ideal place to hang out but we didn't mind.

It has a calm, quiet aura, Billie's surrounded by books, and it's usually just the two of us here.

That's the way we preferred things.

It was basically Billie's bedroom.

The occasional beep of the scanner or flip of a page filled the silence.

We didn't talk much but in no way, shape or form did I feel alone.

It wasn't a secret I enjoyed her sole presence.

We haven't talked about the incident that happened the night of my birthday, but I'm glad.

The thought of her knowing, even if it's a minuscular amount, makes me anxious on its own. Starting up a conversation frightens me.

Knowing her, I also knew it was in the back of her mind and she was plotting something to help me.

You can't help someone who doesn't want help.

You'll get nowhere.

Another beep forces me to return to reality, followed by the sound of Billie clearing her throat.

I can feel her eyes on me and I know she's been staring every so often for a while.

When I finally look over at her, she smiles and glides her fingers over the loose strands of hair in her face, in an attempt to clear her vision. Billie let out a soft chuckle, shaking her head as a blush clouds her cheeks. She looks down to attend to the book in her hand.

Billie

Lately, it's been hard to differentiate platonic feelings and romantic ones.

I think I just care about her a lot and I'm mistaking that for something else. Something more.

My subconscious knows the truth.