Yearn For Agony // Billie Eilish

XXX

It feels like I've lost all concept of time.

I don't remember how long ago she did what she did. It couldn't have been that long because everything still aches.

My face is tender, my palms are covered in band-aids and just sitting upright hurts.

I never returned Billie's call.

I told my dad I was sick so I wouldn't have to go to school, but I haven't told Billie anything because I couldn't bring myself to lie to her.

I guess telling the truth wouldn't be any easier.

As of right now, I'm laying in my bed under the covers. I've been here for who knows how long. And despite my nearly nonexistent will to live, I've only gotten up to pee because I'm terrified of my bladder rupturing.

This has been the longest amount of time I've got without eating in months.

Somehow, I'm starving and perfectly content at the same time.

I try not to think about the situation too much because it makes me ill.

Not only does it make me feel sick, it also makes me feel weak. Inferior even.

I've let that women walk all over and control me my entire life, I suppose I'd have to give up at some point.

My desire to either, please her or stand up to her is gone. It's useless, there's no hope for her.

And that's because she hates me.

Always has and always will.

—

"Leilani?"

There's a gentle knock on the door, followed by a voice I think about far too much.

I don't reply.

I wanted to, but I couldn't.

She waited a little longer then opened the door herself.

"Your dad told me you were sick. I brought you some stuff," I heard her shuffle and put, what I can only assume was a basket, on my dresser.

"I don't know what kind of soup you like, so I got all of them. Tomato, chicken noodle, lentil, vegetable... Sorry, I'm sure you get the point."

She spoke softly, like she was stepping on eggshells, scared to set off an alarm.

I felt the bed dip and I knew she had sat down.

She placed a hand on my body over the comforter. "C'mon, Lei. Talk to me."

She's too good to me. In fact, she's an angel.

She deserves to know.

I pushed the cover down to reveal myself. A look of concern immediately washed over her.

"Baby..." Billie cooed, cautiously reaching out to exam my face.

I winced the second she touched me and she pulled away quickly.

Her eyes bore deep into mine. They were sympathetic at first but soon became more purposeful. She was thinking.

Billie looked away, ran her fingers through her hair and inhaled. She stared at the floor, lightly tugging at her roots as she exhaled— Almost as if she were stressed. It was clear she was unsure of what to do.

Finally, she met my eyes again. Instead of prying and immediately bombarding me with questions, the only thing she asked was, "Are you okay to get out of bed?"