4 (jaylor) gleaming twilight and an infinite afterglow

chapter seven.

Joe didn't let go of Taylor's hand the entire way back to the car. He was so fucking annoyed that even now, even five years later, Taylor just couldn't forget. It made him so fucking angry that she wasn't able to leave that part of her behind - because of all those ghosts that lingered around every corner. He should have known, should have been more prepared for the fact that something like this would happen. He was mad that he'd never thought that perhaps Adam's family wouldn't let it go, that they wouldn't see him for who he truly fucking was; a monster. And he absolutely hated the fact that the paparazzi had the audacity to mention it in front of Thea. They never knew when to stop, and they always took things too far.
When they got to the car, Joe helped Thea inside, and Taylor leaned against the car. Joe could see how hard she was trying to keep the panic from her face, could see how strong she was being. Joe knew that they probably wouldn't get to talk about it until Thea got to bed - if all it was was a rumour. If it was something that didn't directly involve Taylor. If it was just something that Adam's mother had said in a passing comment. That's what Joe hoped. Because if it was a passing comment, they'd be able to leave it at that. They wouldn't have to respond, and Taylor wouldn't have to relive it all again.
"I'm just going to talk to Mommy for a minute, alright?" Joe whispered to Thea before he shut the door. "We'll be right here, and when we get home, we'll have ice cream, alright?"
"Okay!" Joe left Thea with his phone, where she played a Disney game. She didn't seem overly phased by what she'd heard, and Joe sighed as he shut the car door.
"Can I do anything to help you?" He asked her softly, and when he looked over at her, he felt himself crack. That sparkle, one that she'd gained and kept for the last five years, was gone. Her eyes were cold, and he could see that she was trying so fucking hard to keep her thoughts at bay.
She shook her head. "I can't... Not with Thea." Joe sighed. Taylor always felt like she had to be so strong all of the time. She always felt like she wasn't allowed to fall apart when things got too much for her... like she had to keep herself composed and collected at all times.
"Yes you can," Joe took her hand, bringing it to his lips. "Thea's going to learn that it's alright if she cries. You don't have to be strong all the time, my love. It's overwhelming, and you're allowed to panic about it." She finally looked up at him, but Joe could see that she wasn't really listening. He could feel the pain radiating off of her, could almost tell that it was all playing in her head like a film. He didn't know what to do, didn't know how to help her. "Let's go home," He murmured softly. He didn't want to touch her, just in case she felt like that was too much, so he opened her door and closed it after she'd gotten inside. 
It hurt him so sad to see her like this, to know that one single comment could hurt her this much. He'd always been there for her when she'd begun to fall again, just as she had been for him. But it didn't make it easier, and he knew that this time, it was different. 
Usually, Taylor's sparkle would fade after a nightmare, and usually, she'd wake up screaming but Joe would always be there to comfort her, and by morning the glimmer of light would have returned. 
But this was the first time that it was because of something like this, and Joe didn't know how he was supposed to handle it. 

She just wanted to be able to turn her mind off. She just wanted to flick the switch in her brain and make it all stop. It just reminded her why, for those three years of her life, she'd chosen to be numb, rather than feel everything. Being numb was easier than feeling that insurmountable pain. And it just all came flooding back as if it hadn't been seven years since she'd been in that apartment. Seven years since she'd been sitting in the armchair by the window. Seven years since she'd felt her body tangled in those silk sheets. Seven years since she'd walked out that door for the last time. It had been seven years, and she was so frustrated with herself that all it took was one stupid comment to bring her back to that time. She felt so stupid, felt like a part of her was still frozen in time, like she'd left a big part of herself sitting in that chair, watching the busy streets and contemplating whether to plunge that blade too deep into her skin. It was as if she was standing in the daylight, but a tiny part of her was still stuck in the dark. Like that darkness refused to give her away, refused to let her leave. 
She'd been going so well, and that fucking annoyed her too. She hadn't even had any nightmares in two months. She was able to distract herself when her mind tried to make her think about it. She hadn't cut herself in five years - but oh how she wanted to now. 
She was so fucking angry with herself, so fucking frustrated at the fact that she'd been trying so hard to move on, to live her life again, but it could all be so easily unravelled by something as simple as a rumour. It annoyed her that she wanted to resort to her old habits. It made her mad because she couldn't tell Joe how she was feeling. Because she didn't completely know the answer to that herself. She was angry because she wasn't allowed to live in peace, she wasn't allowed to move on, to try and let those memories fade into nothing. 
She didn't say a word the entire way home, and once she'd gotten Thea out of the car, she slipped outside, sitting with her feet in the pool. The water was ice cold, but that's what she needed, what she wanted. The initial pain of the water touching her skin helped to take her mind off everything she was feeling, helped her to reign in the thoughts of going into the bathroom. Because she knew that there were still blades here, knew that they were in the second cupboard, hidden behind a spare packet of tampons. She knew that. She knew they were there, and usually, she never thought about having to use them. But today, her hands were trembling at the thought. She'd been clean for five years, and she knew that she couldn't let herself do it. She knew that she'd be so disappointed in herself if she did, and she couldn't handle that feeling on top of everything else she was feeling. 
Fuck, she hadn't even heard what Adam's mother had said about her, and she wasn't sure that she wanted to know. 
It was odd because a part of her felt so sad that she felt nothing at all, but another part of her was trying to wrap its head around the fact that she was feeling too much at the same time. She heard footsteps behind her and sighed. 
"Selena is coming to look after Thea for the afternoon," She heard Joe tell her. A part of her couldn't speak, she wanted to, she really wanted to open her mouth and spill out everything to him, but something was holding her back. She really, really wanted to tell him what she was feeling, but she couldn't seem to open her mouth. She couldn't even turn to face him, could only stare down at her reflection on the water, the way the ripples distorted her face. "She'll be here soon, and then she's going to take her back to her place, where we'll pick her up after dinner." She wanted to reply, wanted to tell him thank you, but she couldn't speak. It was as if she had really, truly been frozen. As if her mind was working, but her body wasn't. A part of her knew that this was because if she moved, the temptation to go to the bathroom would be too strong. So she sat still, her hands clasped tightly in her lap.
Joe didn't force her to speak, he just bent down and kissed the top of her head. She couldn't help but feel as if she were the worst person imaginable. Taylor knew that she should be in there, she should be looking after her daughter, but she couldn't move. Hell, it was enough trying to keep breathing at the moment. She just couldn't stop feeling like such a huge disappointment to everyone. She was letting Thea down because she was out here, because she was frozen, because she couldn't seem to speak. She was letting down Joe because she couldn't communicate with him, because she couldn't meet his eyes or help him. She was a fucking disappointment to herself, too. She was just so angry at herself, and that feeling was burning inside of her, and it wouldn't die out. She couldn't stop thinking that she was useless, that she would be better off - She stopped that thought, surprised that she even still had the ability to do that. She couldn't seem to do anything else. She wouldn't let herself think that. 
Somewhere, in the back of her mind, she heard another set of footsteps, before she saw the face of one of her best friends beside her.
"Taylor," Selena sighed as she kicked off her sandals, sitting down beside her. Selena had seen her at her worst, and Taylor didn't even care that she was sitting here, no makeup on, and her hair in a messy bun. She didn't care that she could feel the cracks in her body getting larger with every breath she took. "You're doing much better than you think you are," Selena said, softly nudging her. "Usually you'd be out here with a bottle of wine."
The words brought a smile to her lips, breaking through the darkness. That was true. When she was younger, if the media had said something mean about her, she would be out here drinking a bottle of wine, if not several. Nothing seemed to numb her feelings like those bad coping mechanisms. Excessive drinking, cutting herself, starving herself, exercising to the point of passing out... they all worked so fucking well, but the consequences of them just weren't even worth it. 
Selena wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "Whatever you're feeling, you're allowed to feel it." She assured her. Just hearing Selena say those words made her heart beat faster, made her eyes well with tears. "You're also totally justified in being angry, too. You've had it rough, Taylor. You're allowed to be tired of all the shit that you've been through."
Selena's words filled the void in her head. "Sometimes we have to be a little bit selfish in order to look after ourselves." She sighed, and Taylor wished that she could open her mouth, wished that she could talk, but her mouth remained closed. "Anyway. I'm sure that Thea's going to have a lovely time with me - she's up there packing a bag of toys with Joe for us to play together." Selena leaned her head on Taylor's shoulder, squeezing her slightly. "It's okay to need time for you, Taylor. Don't feel bad. If you can't talk for the rest of the day, that's alright." She paused, and Taylor finally looked over at her. Selena gently took her hand, before turning to face her. "But don't let it consume you." She knew exactly what her friend was telling her. That she wasn't allowed to fall into the trap of feeling like there's no escape. That she can't let it consume her so much that she can't help but hurt herself. She can't do that, and she knows that, but it really helps to hear it from someone else. Selena kissed her cheek, before grabbing her shoes and going back into the house. 
Seconds later, she heard Thea coming out, and she immediately threw up that wall. She wouldn't let Thea see her like this. Even though she will be taught that feelings and emotions are okay, that they're alright... she didn't want her to see her like this. Because what she was feeling... almost went beyond an emotion. She couldn't describe it, but she would throw up a facade in front of her daughter. 
"Mommy! Aunty Lena and I get to play with all my toys!" Thea smiled, wrapping her arms around Taylor's neck. Finally, her body agreed to move. She'd been sitting in the same place for far too long, and it hurt to move, but she wrapped her arms around her daughter. She held her close, nuzzling her face in her hair. She loved her so much, and she wanted to do whatever she could to protect her from all of this hurt. 
"Wow!" Taylor murmured into her hair. Sometimes, being able to plaster on a fake smile was helpful. "You're going to have such a fun time," Taylor smiled as Thea pulled away. "Make sure you're a good girl for Aunty Selena, alright?"
Thea dramatically sighed. "I knowwww."
"Have fun!" Taylor smiled, and Thea hugged her again.
"Mommy?" She heard her ask softly. 
"Yes?" Taylor replied, taking her hands. 
"You're sad," Thea observed. "Do you want Elsie to kiss it better?" 
Taylor felt her wall begin to crumble. Thea had obviously gotten that from Joe - her ability to see things like that. To be able to see through the fake smiles. That in itself was enough to bring a true smile to her lips. 
"Elsie loves to kiss people better, Mommy." Thea pulled Elsie out of her bag, holding her up to Taylor. "See?" She then gently touched Elsie to Taylor's face, and Taylor felt the light begin to seep through her broken pieces again. 
"Thank you," Taylor pulled Thea into her chest. 
"Why are you crying?" Thea asked her, using Elsie's paw to wipe her tears away. 
Taylor sighed. "You made Mommy happy," Taylor told her honestly. 
"Then why are you sad?"
What was she supposed to say? "Sometimes..." She started, wanting to say the right thing. "Sometimes I just get a little bit sad, and that's okay." Taylor played with Thea's hair, smiling. "It's like when Daddy tells you that you can't have another lollipop, and you feel sad. But we won't feel sad forever, my little sunshine," She smiled as she kissed Thea's forehead. "So Mommy's a little bit sad today, but she's still okay. It's okay to cry, and get hurt by things."
"Like when I walked into that door and got sad?" Thea asked, and Taylor laughed, more daylight peeping through. 
"Exactly like that. Sometimes we have to have a little cry about things before we can be happy again. And Mommy and Daddy are always going to be here for when you need to have a cry, okay? Sometimes... the things that hurt us can just appear out of nowhere, just like that door. So, we can have a cry about it, but then," Taylor gave Thea a little tickle, "We have to let it go."
Thea was looking up at her with an expression that Taylor hadn't seen before. 
"Mommy?" She asked again, and Taylor smiled. 
"Yes?"
"Who's Calvin?"
Taylor felt her heart plummet.