4 (jaylor) gleaming twilight and an infinite afterglow

chapter eighteen.

She was biting her lip again. She'd started doing it again a few months ago and by now - most of the time her lips were sore. Taylor couldn't help it. She just felt so stressed - she didn't want to worry Joe about it, because he already worried about her enough as it was. She knew she'd be okay - she just needed to find some time to... breathe. Some time to sit at the piano and play it for a little while. Time to sing, or write music, or paint. Time seemed to be a luxury these days - not that she minded sharing it with Thea, but sometimes it was overwhelming. Sometimes it scared her. Having a human being rely on her for everything. Sometimes she felt like she could barely keep herself on track, let alone Thea. She'd always put Thea before herself - that's just how it had been the moment she'd arrived into the world. She'd do anything for her. Of course she would - but sometimes Taylor just wished that she could find the balance between Thea time and Taylor time.

Taylor sighed as she stared up at the roof. The night was dark, and she couldn't sleep. Of course she couldn't. Her mind wouldn't stop racing. It was too busy thinking about what she'd read in that letter, what Joe had told her, how happy Thea had been. She just couldn't stop thinking. She wished that she could just switch her mind off and sleep- but it had never come easily to her. Sleep had always taunted her.
Joe was asleep beside her - she could tell by his even breaths, by the way his face was soft, so effortlessly beautiful.

The clock ticked and let her know that another second had passed. Taylor rolled over. She couldn't sleep. Too many things for her to think and worry about. Bed was suffocating. She gently threw back the covers, and padded across the floor to the door. She didn't set foot in the bathroom, because she knew that she wouldn't be able to stop herself from doing bad things when her mind was running wild. So she slipped through the door, peaked her head through the door into Thea's room, and smiled.
There she was, sound asleep with Elsie tucked in beside her, and Benji perched on the end of the bed. He opened his eyes, and Taylor grinned. She adored how close Benjamin and Thea were - they were inseparable. One was not without the other.

Taylor went downstairs, her mind awake and roaring. If she was alone, she would go to the piano. She would play and play and play until she was so exhausted that her mind couldn't even think anymore. But there were too many people in the house for that - people who had stayed up until two in the morning the night before in preparation for Thea's party. She'd let them sleep.
"Can't sleep?" A voice said from the darkness in front of her, and she turned on the light. Sitting at the kitchen counter, was Patrick. He had a tub of ice cream and a spoon, and was looking up at her with a wide grin. "Come join the club - we've got ice cream."
Taylor smiled, going to the draw and pulling out another spoon. She didn't even know what the time was. She hoped that it would nearly be time for the sun to rise - because she didn't feel like sleeping at all. Sitting down beside Patrick, she sighed.
"Why can't you sleep?" She asked him with a gentle nudge.
Patrick shook his head. "I don't even know - I think it's just the energy that excited and sugar filled children radiate. I can't seem to get my mind to want to shush." Patrick shook his head as Taylor had a spoonful of ice cream. Once upon a time, she never could have done that. Or, if she had, she would've worked out too much for the rest of the week. "What about you? You were the first one to bed out of all of us," he chuckled.
"I just..." she didn't know whether to tell Patrick about the letter - she hadn't even had a chance to tell Joe yet. It seemed so... stupid compared to the problems that his friend Molly was having. Joe had been so upset - she hadn't wanted to bring it up. She hoped that there would be time for them to talk about it tomorrow... "I got this stupid letter from Karlie," she paused. "Basically... telling me that she was sorry and telling me that she missed me."
"Shit," Patrick sighed as he ate a mouthful of ice cream. "She's attached to you, quite clearly."
"That's the problem." Taylor sighed. "I can't seem to... get rid of her. She just doesn't... I don't know. I could never trust her again after what she did - you know? I just don't know whether I want to... be friends again. I mean, sure. I'll send presents and I will still, never say anything bad about her publicly... but I just can't do that to myself. I was friends with her during the lowest point of my life... I just feel like seeing her again will just bring it all back." Taylor could still remember every single time they'd met up and Karlie hadn't noticed the pain that was lying just beneath the surface. The pain the was more than a bruise hidden beneath concealer. Karlie hadn't noticed her tired eyes, or the fact she flinched if Karlie moved too fast. "I don't know... some people are only meant to be beautiful passing moments in your life. Some friendships aren't supposed to be a slow burn - some of them are supposed to be a frenzied inferno that burns out really fast. I just think that... my friendship with her is over. It's better for me if I'm not around her. And that's hard because I can see how much pain she's in, and I can feel the pain within her words... but I just can't. I wouldn't be being honest to myself if I went back to her." Taylor put her head in her hands, closing her eyes. It felt better to say it.
"Sometimes you have got to do what's right for you," Patrick told her. "Just like when Lauren said no. Sometimes you have to choose to put yourself first. You deserve to put yourself first for once, Taylor." Patrick turned to her, resting a hand on top of hers. "Besides, forgiveness worked so well with Kanye, didn't it?" He chuckled and Taylor laughed, cringing at the thought of it. She loved Patrick so much - he could always make her laugh. She could always guarantee that she would walk away from talking to Patrick and feel better. "Ice cream tastes better at your house," Patrick observed as he took another mouthful of ice cream. "I'm not sure why."
Taylor laughed, helping herself to another mouthful. That thought was there - as it so always was, but she could ignore it. She could push it to the back of her mind and shield it from her consciousness. She wouldn't let herself fall into that spiral. No way.
"Probably because you're always a little bit drunk whenever you're at my place." Taylor told him and Patrick laughed. "Either that or the company is perfect." She grinned. "I assume that you know Joe's friend- Molly?" Her voice turned quiet.
"He told you about her?" Patrick asked softly, sighing. "She's been something he's been running away from for years."
Taylor chewed her lip, her shoulders tense. She would do anything she could to help them - she just had to get enough information out of Joe to know how to help.
"He didn't tell me too much," Taylor told Patrick honestly. "He just said that he'd heard bad news about her family."
"So he finally sucked it up and phoned her?" Patrick shook his head. "Fuck, I've been trying to get him to do that for years and years and years. You don't need to worry about her, you know." Patrick assured her.
"I hadn't even thought about that," Taylor admitted softly. "I know that I don't have to worry about it," she gave him a small smile. "So I suppose that's why it has never crossed my mind before. He's told me about her - about the guilt that he's always felt because he did that to her. She seems really nice, and I know that she helped him out of a dark time during high school. I'll do anything I can to help her."
"You're literally the most generous person ever, you know that? People don't tell you that enough." Patrick smiled.