4 (jaylor) gleaming twilight and an infinite afterglow

chapter thirteen.

Sometimes there were words that almost seemed to radiate love and light, and it so turned out that the words that Joe had just told her, were that kind. He'd never ever forget that look on her face. It was pure happiness and it turned her radiant. There had just been so much pressure on Taylor when they'd found out she was pregnant with Thea, and this was a special moment. This time there was not even the slightest doubt, and Joe was relieved that Taylor wasn't planning any tours anytime soon. He'd known she'd be able to do it, but he knew that huge amount of pressure she put herself under. If he could turn back time, he'd make sure that she was at least eating and drinking enough. He'd tried so hard to make sure that she was, and he still hated the fact that he clearly hadn't tried hard enough.
It would stay with him forever, that disappointment in himself.
"Joe?" He felt Taylor's hand caress his cheek, and he was pulled from that echoing darkness. "Do you want to talk about it?"
Whenever he felt himself slipping, whenever he felt the darkness set in, he knew that Taylor could tell. They'd been together for so long now that they both knew the signs of each other's pain. They both knew what to look for. He knew that whenever Taylor was feeling upset, or angry, or like she was shutting off, she'd start to fidget with her hands, and he'd see her staring at something but knew that she was miles away. He tended to go blank, his face still and his eyes distant. He'd stop moving, stop talking. There were probably other signs too, ones that only Taylor would be able to pick up.
He loved that she never forced him to open up about his feelings, loved that she knew that some things were just meant to stay on the inside. She never once made him talk about the things going on in his head, never cracked him open and revealed too much. He appreciated that more than he'd ever be able to tell her.
Sometimes, when he really felt as if the darkness was closing in, he'd write it down. Whether through a poem, a text or a letter. He'd just write it all down, get all of his thoughts out of his head and cemented on paper.
Sometimes he would let her read them, or other times he would throw them at the back of his journal.
He knew that talking about the Lover Tour and everything that went on with that would make her sad, so he smiled. He didn't want to make her sad. He knew that she already blamed herself for all of it, for all of that chaos, and he didn't want to make that blame seem real.
He didn't want to reinforce the idea that she'd caused it herself, because he knew that she didn't believe him when he told her that it wasn't her fault.
"I'm the luckiest person alive," he told her. Because that was the truth too. "It's just one of those times where I can't believe that I get to do it all with you." Joe leaned forward and kissed her. "I love you."
"To the Moon and Saturn." Taylor told him as she cupped his cheek with a smile. "Remember to be kind to yourself." She said softly, and this made him smile. They'd often tell each other these things, often if one of them didn't want to talk, the other person would simply remind them to be kind to themselves. It was an easy thing to forget, and one often needs someone there to remind them of that simple act of kindness.

Taylor spent the day anxiously watching the clock. It was strange to have all this time, to have quiet and calm. She even got to write the melody of a new song - but the day dragged on so slowly that she was sick of it after ten minutes.
She paced through the hallway, trying to find things to clean. She tried to keep herself busy, because when she wasn't doing something, her mind was panicking about what was happening with Thea. She knew that she shouldn't be worrying about things like that - they paid a lot of money to get her into a special, private school with not many children. And it wasn't because they didn't want her to experience what normal skill was like - because they truly did. But it was also the reality - Thea wasn't like other kids and even though they wanted her to have that experience, they had to consider her safety. That would always be their number one priority.
That was just the harsh reality of the life that they lead.
"Taylor?" She heard Joe call her name, and went towards his voice. Thea had only been gone for three hours. They had three more hours to find stuff to do.
"Coming!" Taylor called and she smiled when she saw Joe in the kitchen, talking on the phone.
"Patrick's here." Joe grinned as he saw her. "I have to- shhh, Pat! Give me a moment," Joe said into the phone. "Anyway. He's currently waiting at the airport and requests that I pick him up. Don't ask why he can't get a taxi, he refuses." Joe rolled his eyes and Taylor smiled. "Yes, Pat. We're walking out the door now. I'll text you when we're outside." Joe told him and Taylor smiled. Patrick was so spontaneous and she loved that about him. He'd moved back to London eventually, after the events which had sparked champagne problems faded. It had taken a lot of convincing, but eventually he'd returned home. The memories of that night still burned bright in Taylor's mind, because he'd been so upset and she just hated it when her friends were hurting. She hated that anyone had to hurt - particularly because she knew how much hurt it was possible to feel. She never wanted anyone to feel like her, she didn't think that anyone deserved that pain. Nothing was worse than the pain of not being heard. Nothing.
"Would you like to come and we'll pick him up? We could pick up some lunch on the way home?" Joe offered and Taylor nodded. She wanted to get out of the house. Taylor knew that was the best decision for her, even though she still had the kitchen to clean. She told herself that she could always come home and do it later, she could always do it after lunch.
"I'd love to," she grinned. "I'll just throw on a pair of shoes and I'll be ready."