4 (jaylor) gleaming twilight and an infinite afterglow

chapter eleven.

"That was absolutely breathtaking," Jimmy told her as she walked across the stage so that she could sit beside him. They'd just taken an ad break, and Jimmy pulled Taylor in for a hug. He was shaking her head. "You could have prepared me - I would have actually brought a lot more tissues," he grinned. He leaned in and whispered soft words into her ear. "Are you alright if we talk a little bit about it? I didn't have time to ask you beforehand."
Taylor nodded, smiling. She trusted Jimmy, and she knew that he would change the subject if he could tell that she was getting uncomfortable. "Ask away. Who knows, I might even be in the mood to talk about my daughter," Taylor laughed. She really felt as if a huge weight had just been lifted off her chest. The idea to sing both Clean and it's time to go had come to her in the middle of the night a couple of days ago. She'd woken up, and while she still had asleep, she'd reached over to her phone and typed it into her notes. The two songs seemed perfect together. She'd spent a long time trying to decide the perfect parts of each song to use together, and she'd decided that she did want the majority of the song to be Clean. It had such a special place in her heart, all of her speeches on tours and the connection with her fans. Of course, she loved it's time to go too, loved the deeper message, loved that she was able to work Karlie, Adam, Scott Borchetta and Scotter Braun into the meaning of it all. The songs seemed to flow so seamlessly together, and she loved how she'd slightly changed the melody of the two of them so they'd fit perfectly.
Jimmy grinned. "God, if we both get talking about our kids, we'll never shut up," he laughed. "I'm serious, once I start, I can't stop."
Taylor couldn't help but laugh. She couldn't help but remember all those times that she'd been here, sitting in this seat with Jimmy. She'd changed so much from one time to the next. She still remembered the times that she'd sat in this very seat, her bruises hid behind a layer of makeup, Adam waiting in the wings. Making sure that she kept up that perfect smile, the flawless facade. He'd stood where he knew that she could see him, his fists clenched in fists at his side. She remembered the time when they'd been waiting in the dressing room, and Jimmy had wanted to talk to her beforehand, and Adam hadn't let him see her because she hadn't had any makeup on, she'd had a bruised eye. He'd controlled everything about her life, and she'd come so far. She could see it - she could see how far she'd come, and she was just so proud of herself. 
"Camera's are on in three, two, one," Someone told them, and Taylor smiled. Doing interviews like this used to make her so stressed, she had always panicked that she'd never say the right thing, or she'd say too much. But now, she'd begun to love things like this again. Suddenly being in the spotlight wasn't so isolating and lonely anymore. 
"So, I am here with Taylor Swift, who just performed a version of Clean and it's time to go, that we've never heard before," Jimmy smiled into the camera. "Hey, Taylor!"
"Hi, Jimmy!" Taylor was happy. She looked at him and smiled. "I'm sure that I said this the last time I was here, but long time no see!" She laughed, and she was surprised she wasn't actually glowing. That's how she felt. She felt like she was high on the feeling - she wasn't quite sure what it was that she was feeling, but it was happiness. Because she felt like she stood up for herself in a good way. She felt like she handled it well. She didn't tear anyone apart - as tempting as it was. Because she'd been angry that all of the private details of her relationship with Adam had been leaked, and it made her out to be the villain. She was actually surprised that, given how mad she'd been, that she was able to be happy now. 
"I think we need to do this more often," Jimmy laughed. "So, I hear that someone's been trying to paint you in a bad light," He mentioned softly. She just loved talking with Jimmy so much. He always handled these things with respect, and it was almost like the two of them were having a conversation. 
Taylor pulled a face, and Jimmy laughed. "You'd think I'd be used to it by now," Taylor answered honestly. "You'd think it gets easy, but it doesn't."
"It's no surprise that you're not used to it. I don't think I'd be the only one to say that you haven't deserved any of it," Jimmy told her, and Taylor had to try so hard to keep her expression happy. Because she didn't want to cry. "I also don't think that I'm the only one who thinks that some people just like to make things difficult for you when you're so clearly... well, you're doing so well!" 
"Thank you!" Taylor laughed. 
"How many albums have you got now?" Jimmy chuckled. "Thirteen? Geez, you work so fast. Considering that it was only four years ago that you were re-recording all of your albums, refilming music videos... and on top of all of that, being a mother!" Taylor smiled at the mention of being a Mom. "I don't know how you do it."
"It's been busy, that's for sure!" She grinned. "But it's been good. Being busy is good, I think. It's so nice to finally own all of my music, which was a long, hard journey in itself... and of course, all of the recent... drama that's been pulled up, it's definitely been crazy. But... there have been three things that have been there for me, through it all. Firstly, my family. Joe is always there for me - whether he's making me a hot chocolate when I'm up late trying to figure out how to respond to accusations against me, whether he's taking Thea to watch the mermaids outside, or whether I get to watch him kiss her goodnight... he's been there. Thea's been there too - she's always there to come home to, always there to bring a smile to my face. And you're always told that children - especially your own - are just..." Taylor shook her head. "I can't even find the words for it. But... she's always making me laugh. This afternoon, she was begging me to wear our matching cat onesies... and it's just such a privilege to see her growing up." Taylor paused, smiling. "She's just... she's a little ray of sunshine when everything gets a little too much."
"I think that children have a habit of being that," Jimmy agreed. "I told you that once we got talking about our kids we wouldn't stop," He laughed, and Taylor smiled. "You said there were three things?" 
"Oh! Well, the third thing is the fans," Taylor beamed. "The ones who have been there for me through it all. Through every single bad thing that's been said about me, through every questionable phase, through the trial, through everything. They've been there at my worst, and they're still here at my best." She once would have been ashamed to say something like this. She once would have felt like she didn't deserve to say that it was her best, but she knew it was. "The fans have always been there through it all."
Jimmy sighed. "We sure have," he told her and Taylor smiled. "Thea is here today, isn't she?" He asked her. "It seems that she's really and truly captured the hearts of everyone."
"She is here with me - she's in the dressing room with Joe. I left them playing with her toys." Taylor smiled. "She loves it all, and I think everybody has captured her heart too - if one of us don't keep her moving past the cameras, she'll be there all day, I swear!" Taylor laughed. "I think a part of her already knows that the world loves her!"
Jimmy laughed. "They're just the sweetest. And your little video of her on Instagram - wow! I don't think any of us expected that at all!"
"Honestly, Joe and I weren't expecting that either. We spent an entire day trying to take a nice family photo and none worked out. I was talking to him about giving up, and Thea started talking about all of the things that she loves and wanted to film a video of herself telling everyone her favourite things. So it wasn't planned in any way, but I think that they are most often the most special moments." Taylor told him, and Jimmy nodded. She really could talk about Thea and Joe forever. 
"It's very interesting," Jimmy looked at Taylor with a mischievous look, and Taylor eyed him suspiciously. 
"Please tell me that my Mom hasn't sent in another embarrassing video of me," she groaned. "I've only just recovered from the banana incident!"
"No! I think that it was actually your father that got in touch about this one," Jimmy answered. "It's nothing like the banana video, as entertaining as that was, it's good to know that your mind is alive!" Jimmy grinned, and Taylor cringed.
She looked towards the screen, not sure what to expect. What would her father have done?
Jimmy pulled out a box of tissues and set them on the table beside her. She didn't want to cry. She really didn't want to - but she knew that there was a high chance that she would. But she wasn't ashamed of crying like she used to be. She used to never want to cry in public, but now she wasn't ashamed of the fact that people might see her cry. Crying didn't make you weak. It doesn't make you any less of a person. Not at all. 
She was about to ask Jimmy why it hadn't started playing when a video of her as a kid with her dad popped up on the screen. He was saying her name, telling her that he loved her. She was about four, and Taylor couldn't help but smile. She'd managed to somewhat recover her relationship with her dad, but she couldn't ever forget the pain she'd felt that afternoon. "Taylor," Her father's voice played through the speakers, and she couldn't help but smile. "I love you," He told her, and Taylor smiled. She couldn't believe that her father had organised this, and she wondered if Austin had helped her with this like he had helped their mother. The video then skipped forward, to a video of Taylor when she was about nine, and they were at the park. Taylor's grandmother was there, and Taylor smiled when she saw her. It felt like a part of her was void because she wasn't around, and every time she saw her, it filled those empty cracks. Taylor was running to her, and she'd fallen over. Taylor's grandmother had taken her hands and helped her up, her father still filming. Taylor could already feel the tears in her eyes because she remembered that day. Her grandmother, holding her close to her chest and telling her, that whenever she falls, the important thing is that she gets back up again. She remembered that day so clearly that she could almost feel it. It was one of those days where it had burned bright in her mind because she loved it so much. One of those days that you could never forget - a memory that time could never take away.
"Taylor," Her grandmother told her, as she held her hands. Taylor smiled as she watched this. "You're going to fall down a lot, beautiful girl. You're going to fall, and it's going to hurt. Sometimes, you're going to feel like it hurts too bad, that you can't possibly get back up again." Her grandmother pulled her into her arms, and Taylor could almost feel them around her as she was sitting there. "But the important thing is that you have to get back up again. No matter how much it hurts, no matter what pushed you down in the first place. You have to get back up again because you are so much stronger than anything that's thrown your way." Her grandmother had paused, kissing her cheek. "Promise me, Taylor. Promise me that when you fall, you'll get back up." 
Young, nine-year-old Taylor had stopped crying, and she smiled. "I promise." She'd promised her grandmother that she'd get back up again - and she'd done exactly that. 
The video then skipped forward into what appeared to almost be a kaleidoscope of moments in Taylor's life. When she'd first heard her songs on the radio, when she'd signed her name to that doomed record label. When she'd first performed live - when she'd first met her fans. When she'd released her albums. All of her Tours, all of the special moments in her life that always left her feeling like she was the luckiest person alive. It was tiny little snippets of videos, all the way from her childhood, to right now. Some were longer than others, some were speeches, some were hand hearts or the thirteen on her hand. Some of them were videos that she remembered because they reminded her of Adam, like the Reputation tour, and a video that Taylor had sent her father of the beach on their island holiday. She knew that her Dad was showing her these moments for a reason - because these were times in her life where she felt as if she was falling... and she'd gotten back up. After every single fucking time. She'd gotten back up. All of that footage was in black and white, and then... in a flash, colour returned to the videos. It was the Lover tour, it was Joe and her at the Lakes, it was Thea and it was just so beautiful. She could feel the tear slide down her cheek, but she didn't wipe it away. Towards the end, her grandmother's voice filled the room.
"Promise me that when you fall, you'll get back up." A video of Joe, Taylor and Thea in the pool of her parent's house started playing. She was laughing - she was watching Thea swim from Joe to her, and she was so happy. It was one of the happiest moments of her life, and she could see that happiness written all over her face. She was laughing, and she was golden, and she was happier than anyone had probably ever seen her before. Then, it flashed back to the video of young Taylor with her grandmother, her hand in hers. 
"I promise."

And she'd kept that promise, regardless of whether she'd meant to or not. Because she'd gotten up, every. Fucking. Time.

And she would keep getting up over and over again, keep picking herself up, keep finding pieces of herself.

She'd keep doing it, no matter what.