4 (jaylor) gleaming twilight and an infinite afterglow

chapter twenty two.

Taylor had managed to tell herself to stop biting her lip four times today. But now, as she was sitting down in front of her computer, she was too anxious. What would she say? How would she even begin to explain the things that ran through her head without bursting into tears? How would she address the things that she had never allowed herself to recall?
She'd had to say an early goodnight to Thea, and Joe had given her a hug, telling her once again how proud he was, how proud she should be of herself. And she was. Asking for help was something that deserved an applause. She deserved to recover completely - she deserved to find strategies to help herself cope with the things going on in her head.

Olivia was sitting at her feet, and she sighed. It was 6:58. So close and yet so far. She found herself wondering why she'd ever thought that this was a good idea in the first place - because it felt like she was waiting to rip off a band aid. It felt like that feeling of knowing that the pain will come, and almost being unable to do it because the thought of it is too much. This is exactly what it was like.
"You can do this, love." Joe peeked his head around the door, and Taylor turned to face him with a smile. "When you're finished, there will be a hot chocolate waiting for you."
"Thank you," She sighed. "I'm scared." Taylor admitted.
"You've already been through so much, Taylor. I know that you can do this. And the more you do this, the easier it will be to talk about everything that happened." Would it? She found herself asking that question. Would it actually get easier? Would it begin to hurt less if she actually addressed the stuff that she'd ignored? The stuff that she'd buried deep inside of her - the memories that were too traumatic that her mind had forced her to shove them down. Because there were still pieces of herself that she'd not let herself feel. Pieces, which once she got them out of that little box, would cut her. They were shards of glass, every edge threatening to slice her apart.

"It's been a long time," Charlotte told her and Taylor gave a nervous laugh. She didn't know why she was so nervous. She was sitting in the exact same spot as she had been when she'd done the interview with Jimmy - the one discussing folklore, the one where she had her first contractions and Thea was on her way into the world. She smiled at the thought of it. That was why she was here. That was why she was getting help. For Thea.
"It has. And I've come prepared with tissues this time." The first time Taylor had seen Charlotte, she'd burst into tears when they'd started discussing strategies to help her cope with the media. Taylor knew that she'd cry.
"Whatever you need to help you," Charlotte said softly. "Would you like to start talking, or would you like me to ask questions? Whatever makes it easier for you to talk about some of the thoughts going on in your head." Taylor had always loved Charlotte. Always loved how calm she was, the way that it was always so clear that she wanted the best for everyone. She wanted to make things as easy as possible.
"Could you please ask questions?" Taylor already felt emotional. She already felt sick. Today had been the first day that she'd actually felt awful for the entire day. She'd wanted to lie in bed the whole day - her head had been pounding, and she'd been worried  that if she were to eat something, that it would just come straight back up.
"Of course I can." Charlotte paused. "We will start with some light questions - alright? We're not going to be able to discuss everything today, but hopefully we can help to at least give you some small ways to cope with some of the things in your past. You will hopefully be able to use them for the mean time." Charlotte smiled. "How's Thea doing?"
Taylor smiled - she loved talking about her daughter. "She's going so well! She's the happiest child I've ever met."
"I'm sure she is!" Charlotte laughed. "If I'm not mistaken, your mother used to say the exact same thing about you!"
"Yes... lots of people used to say that about me," Taylor sighed. "Before... it all happened."
"What do you do to help you cope with your past?"
Taylor knew she was biting her lip, but she couldn't help it. "Things that I know that I probably shouldn't be doing..." She started, and sighed before continuing.  "I expect you already know about this - but I had an eating disorder that sometimes flares up when things get bad... and I haven't done this in a while, but I used to hurt myself."
Charlotte nodded. "Okay - and what thoughts are usually going through your head when you decide that you need to use those methods of coping?"
"That I just want it all to stop... just for a little while." Taylor admitted. "That I feel like I deserve it, sometimes. That... I don't know. Sometimes it just helps me to forget about everything going on in my head. It all gets a bit loud and when I... when I do those things it helps to make everything... quieter."
"Do you think that it helps you feel like you're in control of something?" Taylor hadn't ever thought about it that way before. "Because when we last talked, which to be fair was a long time ago - control was something very important in your life."
Taylor had forgotten all about the work they'd done together on focusing on control. She liked things to be in control. She remembered how hard it was when she felt like she had no control over her life. Taylor couldn't believe that she'd forgotten about that. She couldn't believe that she hadn't thought about the fact that it was often when she felt like things were spiralling out of control that things got bad.