4 (jaylor) gleaming twilight and an infinite afterglow

chapter twelve.

Taylor's interview, in the weeks that passed since then, had quite clearly gotten Adam's mother to shut up. Taylor was relieved, because in these weeks, both her and Joe were getting Thea ready to start school. Thea seemed really excited. Up until this point, she'd been going to a a woman who looked after a few children at a time, and it was basically preschool, but a lot more private than that. But going to school, for six hours a day, five days a week, seemed like such a big jump. Taylor wasn't sure that she was ready to let her go - she was getting so old now. It scared her how fast time was flying. It scared her that in a day, she'd be waving goodbye to her.
"What are you thinking about?" Joe asked her softly as she was wiping down the countertop. "You're doing that thing you always do, when you bite your lip and pretend you're not thinking about something's sad, when really you are." He came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her. She relaxed at his touch, leaning into him.
"The same thing that I've been thinking about since July," Taylor smiled. "I just can't believe that tomorrow she's going to be going to school and we're going to wave goodbye to her and-" Taylor could feel herself tear up.
"I'm going to tell you what I've told you every other time we've talked about this, okay?" Joe told her with a smile as he leaned in to kiss her forehead. She smiled through her tears, because she knew exactly what he was going to say. "You're not waving goodbye to her forever. Just six hours of the day. And then you'll see her again, and there will still be time for movies and baking and all the other stuff we like to do together."
She was sure that she would have fallen apart before this, had she not had Joe to remind her of these things. The thing was, that it truly felt as if she was going to be waving goodbye to her forever. Taylor knew that was stupid and that she overreacting, but she couldn't help it. She was just so worried that something would happen, that she wouldn't be there to protect her.
She talked to Joe about most things, but she couldn't bring herself to talk about this. She was petrified, that even though Adam was in prison and her security checked every day to make sure he was still there... she was still worried that he would find a way to come back. And he'd be back with vengeance, she knew that completely.

Sometimes she'd wake up, absolutely terrified because she'd had a nightmare about him. The worst nightmare she'd ever had, one that was recurring and she was lucky if she went two nights without dreaming it - haunted her. It might not have been so bad if it wasn't one of Taylor's genuine fears, but she was so petrified of it happening in real life, that it was no wonder it haunted her dreams. She was always at a park. A park that she'd been to as a child. She was always sitting down on a bench, the playground crowded with other parents. Joe was never with her, she wasn't sure why. She was always watching Thea playing on the swings. It was so crowded. And then she would look away for a moment- just a moment, because she'd hear the cameras and panic. Then she'd look back and Adam was there. Talking to Thea, crouched down in front of her. Still the same as he always was. He hadn't changed. He was still exactly the same as he was - he was always wearing that same fucking outfit. The one he'd been wearing when he'd hit her the first time. The first time she'd felt his hand against her skin. The first time she'd seen that forbidden side of him. The first time she'd discovered how dangerous he actually was. In this nightmare, Taylor would always be frozen. The moment that she saw Adam with her daughter, she was frozen. She couldn't move. She couldn't get to her. She couldn't save her daughter from him. She'd cry out to her, she'd cry out Thea! But no one in the park could hear her. She'd be crying and trying to unfreeze herself, and no one was fucking helping her. She'd watch with a frozen soul as he talked to Thea, made her laugh and gain her trust. She'd watch as she couldn't get to her - watch Adam take her daughters hand a lead her away. And Taylor wasn't able to fucking move, wasn't able to get to her. And that killed her. She was so worried that was going to happen in real life, and this dream just made that fear worse.

She thought that Adam being locked away would make it all better, would cast his shadow far, far, far away from her. But most of the time, it felt as if he was still there. And it killed her that she was so strong, yet he still haunted her whenever her eyes dared to touch. Whenever she let herself rest, to stop thinking just for a moment, he'd be there. His silhouette was always there in the back of her mind, and she wondered what she had to do to get away from it. From him. She'd come so far, but sometimes it still felt like she was sitting on that fucking chair in that fucking NYC apartment. Sometimes the only thing that stopped her from feeling like that was Thea or Joe. Sometimes she found herself getting out of bed and going into Thea's room, just to make sure that she was alright. Just to make sure that she was still there, that Adam didn't have her. It was just her worst fear, and she hated it. She hated that although he was gone, the effects of him were still everywhere. She hated that in some ways she was free, but in others. She was still trapped. He was gone... and yet he wasn't. And it fucking killed her.