4 (jaylor) gleaming twilight and an infinite afterglow

chapter twenty nine.

Luckily, Joe was picking his family up from the airport so early that the traffic wasn't too bad. New York could be horrible when it came to traffic - that was one of the things that had taken him a long time to get used to. He was finally used to it by now, and on the way back from the airport, they all stopped off to buy breakfast. The place where he'd first met Taylor - for real, that Wednesday. That cafe with the blue walls and still the same chairs by the window where he'd talked to her for the first time. The place was a little bit older now, it had changed just about as much as the two of them had.
"You're thinking about her, aren't you?" Patrick raised an eyebrow, and Joe smiled. "You're always thinking about her. There's this look you get - and it's only there when you're thinking about her."
Joe rolled his eyes. "Pat, don't be silly. Anyway - how's Katie?" Joe distracted him, but the moment he'd asked Patrick the question, he knew something had happened between them.
"Well... it was going well... and then, you know. It started not going so well. But it's totally fine, it was a really quiet ending, to be honest. I was super relieved." Patrick murmured, but paused before their number was called and he went to pick up their food.
"Pat, I'm sorry." Joe told him before they left to climb into the car. Patrick didn't say anything on the way home, but Joe knew there was more to that story. He also knew that he probably wouldn't get told - Pat would tell Taylor, as he always did.
The car ride home was full with questions from his parents, but Joe couldn't stop worrying about Patrick. What Lauren had done to him had scarred him, and Joe didn't want him to have to go through that kind of pain again. Patrick, much like himself, liked to keep his feelings all on the inside. Joe had learnt that wasn't for the best, and he was worried that Pat didn't have anyone to talk to about those sorts of things.

Joe heard Thea screaming that he was home as he shut the car door, and grinned. He opened the front door, to see her wearing his favourite cat dress.
"Theabear!" He exclaimed, but Thea wasn't paying attention to him, she'd already spotted Patrick.
"UNCLE PATRICK!" The whole neighbourhood would know that Patrick was here, and Joe's mother laughed.
Taylor peeked her head around the door with a smile, and Elizabeth went straight to her. Joe loved how close the two of them were - he always heard Taylor and his mother on the phone together, and half the time he didn't even know what they were talking about.
Patrick was spinning Thea around, and Joe grinned.
They headed inside to heat breakfast.

Patrick had talked a little bit here and there while they were eating breakfast - and Taylor was waiting for the perfect opportunity to ask him what was wrong. After breakfast, Joe took his parents on a tour of the house, seeing as they'd never been in it before.
Patrick stayed sitting at the dining table, and Taylor moved over to him.
"What's wrong? What haven't you told me?" She asked, and he sighed, looking up at her. She could see it in his eyes. He was hurting. "Who hurt you?"
He laughed a little, shaking his head. "It's a rather long story."
"Come on, let's go outside and you can tell me about it. Here - borrow Joe's jacket."
They had a little pavilion at the end of the garden, and Taylor slipped on a pair of shoes and linked her arm through Patrick's.
"I can't promise that Thea won't come running out here to be with you," Taylor smiled. "But I think she's hopefully pretty distracted by showing your mom and dad her bedroom." They went and sat down on the outdoor sofa they had out there, and Taylor sat with her head resting on her hand as she faced Patrick. "You can tell me everything. Here, I'm even prepared with tissues." She pulled a packet of tissues from her pocket, and Patrick gave her a sad smile.
"I had to break up with Katie." Patrick murmured with a shaking voice.
"Are you okay?" Taylor asked him softly.
"I couldn't stay with her, Taylor." Patrick was talking slowly. There was no trace of happiness in his tone, and Taylor placed a hand on top of hers. "And I think that you're the only one who can truly understand."
The words rippled through Taylor like a tidal wave. She didn't want to hear those words coming out of his mouth, because they only meant one thing.
"Patrick..." she could barely speak. Fuck. She might need these tissues for herself.
Patrick looked over at Taylor with his eyes watering. "It hurt at first." The words said it all and the fucking felt like a dagger to Taylor's heart. Because it had hurt at first for her, too. "Then... it didn't hurt anymore. I had to quit my job. I couldn't work with her anymore. I just... I know what it's like to be unable to leave. Trapped."
"I'm so sorry," Taylor whispered, her voice trembling. She never thought that one of her best friends in the entire world would have to go through the same thing that she did.
"I should've seen the signs," Patrick wiped away a stray tear, and Taylor wanted nothing more but to take all of his pain away. "She was like that from the beginning - but I just felt so broken after Lauren, that I just... needed someone."
All of these words brought back feelings that Taylor didn't even know she had. "It's not your fault, Pat." She told him, pulling him into her arms. "None of this is your fault. I know that it feels like it is... I know that it feels like you should've known sooner... you should've left sooner... but you didn't know. It's not your fault." Taylor told him again.
"I haven't told anyone," he admitted. "Mum was so happy that I'd found someone, and Dad really liked her. But they didn't see what she did behind those doors."
Taylor knew what that felt like, and it sent a shiver down her spine. Patrick shouldn't know what it felt like.
"I don't want to disappoint them," Patrick cried. "I know I already disappointed them with Lauren - I don't want them to think that I'm stupid enough to make the same mistake again. I just... didn't know what to do. So... before I came here, I... I left a note." Patrick paused, but Taylor didn't let him go. This was her chance to tell him everything that had helped her on her journey to recovery.
"They could never be disappointed in you, Pat. Your Mom is always posting about you on Facebook - I can see it when she looks at you. She's not disappointed in you, she'll just wish that she'd been there to help you when you were feeling like that." She pulled away, and wiped Patrick's tears. "This isn't your fault. Remember all of the things you told me? That you tell me every single time I phone you when I'm not having a good day? You tell me that things like this; they're not my fault. You tell me that it hurts, but it's allowed to hurt. You're allowed to feel that pain, and fuck, you're even allowed to miss her. I missed it, when I first left." Taylor admitted softly. "But then I realised that I was worth so much more than how he treated me."
"It got hard, hiding it from Mum." Patrick whispered. "She'd go to hug me... and I'd wince because she'd squeeze too tight."
Taylor felt her veins turn cold. With despair, with rage.
"Everything that you've told me, you need to tell yourself, Patrick. Because you deserve so much more than how she treated you. I know that it hurts, but you can't blame yourself for hurting. You can't heal if you're not hurt in the first place." Patrick finally gave her a small smile.
"I just don't think that they'd get it."
"No," Taylor said honestly. "They won't get it, and that will be really hard. But they're trying their best to understand, to be what you need. No one is going to get what it was like, more than you. You are the only one to have experienced it through your eyes, so you are the only one that knows how many scars it caused."
"Some of them still bleed." Patrick didn't look at her when he said that, and Taylor felt her lip tremble. She didn't want to cry, but she was so close to it.
"I've got some oil that will help them to heal." She told him. "Unfortunately they're the easiest ones to fix. The others, the ones that no one but you can see... they're a little harder to fix."
Patrick sighed. "When am I going to find the end of my golden string?" He asked softly. "I thought I'd be happy and settled down by now. I thought that maybe, I'd have kids too. I just... when am I going to find my person?"
"They're out there, Patrick. I promise. Whoever they are, they're going to be the luckiest person ever."
"I just feel like I'll never find anyone. I thought Lauren was the one. I thought Katie was the one but I was wrong. What if I'm just destined to be alone? What if-"
"Pat. You are such a great guy. You're kind, and you're smart. You're funny, and you're a truly good person. You're not meant to be alone."
"How did you let it all go?" He asked.
"It's really hard," Taylor told him softly. "Because they put you in a box and then they treat you like a puppet. Just when you think you've cut one string, you realise that there's another string. But you're going to get there. Time makes it better - as cliched as that sounds. Time really does make the pain lessen. It makes the empty ache go away. Time makes you feel like you again."
Patrick wiped the last of his tears. "I'm sorry that you're sitting out here in the cold with me," he started. "I just didn't want to tell anyone else. I don't know if I'm ready to tell them."
"You'll probably never feel ready, Pat. And that's okay. Would you like me to go and get the oil I used to use on my scars?"
Patrick nodded.
"If it all gets a bit much, take one of the cars and go for a drive," Taylor told him as she stood up. Patrick stood up beside her, and let out a deep breath. "Drive through the city with the windows down and music playing. There's nothing quite like it. But seriously, if you need to be alone, don't hesitate to slip away, okay? Don't feel like you've got to be with everyone all of the time. And if you need to talk to me, I'm here. You're here for a couple of weeks, aren't you?" Taylor asked, as she pulled him in for a hug. "Please come to me, Pat. No matter what time of day. I'll always be here. Even if you think what you're saying or feeling is stupid. You can't do this on your own, it will be easier if you have people to help you. I'm always here to listen. I don't drink at the moment - but I will happily sit and have a Coke with you." Patrick squeezed her tightly, and Taylor squeezed him back. "You don't have to do this alone."
"I know," he sighed. "I just don't want them to think I'm weak or-"
"Pat, remember what you're always telling me. You need to start talking to yourself as if you were talking to me. You have to be kind to yourself. You're not weak because you didn't leave. You're not weak because you stayed. You are not what she did to you. You are not those scars. You are so much more than all of it. You are the person that got through it. You are the person that is standing here, in front of me. So what, you have a few scars, but so do I." Taylor pulled up her sleeve and revealed the little white lines across her arm. She hadn't hurt herself in so long that they were all white. "We've all got scars. You are the person who is strong because they're walking around every single day with those scars holding the weight of the world. Going through something like this changes you. It changes who you are, and who you were going to be before the pain started. But you're the person who's choosing to get up each day, no matter how hard it is, or how much it hurts. You're here and you're you, Pat. That's enough, a million times enough. You're enough exactly as you are. You don't have to be the Patrick that you were before all the pain started, and you don't need to know what the Patrick after you have healed is going to be like. The you that you are right in this very moment is enough."
Patrick had started to tear up at Taylor's words - because as always, she'd said everything he needed to hear. Everything and more.

Taylor felt exhausted after comforting Patrick, but she really wanted to spend some time with Thea. She was helping Thea into a coat, while Joe was making sure that his parents knew absolutely everything about looking after Luca and Nora. Taylor was stressed about leaving them, but she trusted Elizabeth and Richard.
"Where are we going?" Thea asked as Joe came into the room carrying Taylor's coat. She hadn't told Joe - and as hard as it was, she wasn't going to tell him about what Patrick had told her. It wasn't hers to tell, and she certainly wasn't going to go behind Patrick's back like that.
"We are going to go shopping! You need some ice skates, don't you?" Joe grinned, and Thea gasped.
"Really really really?"
"Yes!" Taylor laughed as Thea began jumping up and down.
"Wow! Me and Lizzie are going to be best friends forever and we are going to get to skate together and everything!" She exclaimed, and Taylor smiled.

Taylor was happy to see her this excited - but it was so hard to know that Patrick was keeping such a big secret from his family, and she was finding it hard to concentrate. Patrick was amazing - she could go on and on about how lucky anyone would be so have him, and she couldn't believe that he'd been hurt like she had.
It was so hard watching someone she loves going through the exact same pain as she once knew like the back of her hand. It was hard watching him trying to pretend that everything was okay. It was hard not being able to tell Joe, because she told him everything. It was hard.
Thea was having a fun time - the three of them had already brought her ice skates, and now they were getting lunch together. Thea was so excited to join Elisabeth on the ice, and Taylor was excited for her. Although she was stressed about the fact that she'd hurt herself... she was trying not to think about that.
Taylor felt bad being away from the twins, but also knew that it was so important to give Thea this one on one attention.

Day faded into night, and soon enough, all of the children were asleep, and it was just the adults sitting on the couch. Patrick was sitting beside Taylor on his phone - and she pretended that she didn't see his phone continuously lighting up with the name Katie, who obviously wasn't going to stop phoning him. She rested a hand on top of his, and Patrick looked over at her with a smile. He took a deep breath, and opened his mouth.
"I've... I've got something that I need to say," he started, and Taylor felt her heart burst with how proud of him she was. "It's a bit of a long story - but... I'm going to try my best."