The Obsessive Villainess Vol. 2

19. Save me.

Chapter 19: 
I hate the light. I hate bright places. I hate mornings and days. I like night much better.

...but when I'm in a dark room, and the sun rises

My eyes stay stuck on that window.

and all the little specks that seem like they're dancing around, putting on a light show just for me
save me with their glow, just for that moment.

"Damn..." I gagged. "I feel fucking sick..." For some reason, today the alcohol secretly taken from dad's collection tastes even worse than usual.

I've been stressed recently. Visiting the greenhouse everyday... it all started with that demand from Alair. An embroidered handkerchief. The Hundred-Leaved Rose. I searched it in my plant books to get a reference for it and found out that it was originally a hybrid flower. It gave me an idea. What if... I could do that? What if I mixed up the plants I grew, and created my own weapon? Maybe Ruila leaves mixed with Ara roses, or other such combinations? And so I called over Dara, who was also Risor's mother. It wasn't exactly a coincidence, having her teach me. Of course I picked her because of her connection to Risor, but she was also quite a lovely lady and extremely well-versed in the art of breeding plants.

However, breeding plants from scratch with just my powers... every day that passed by made it seem like a foolish idea. Even if it was possible, this was me we're talking about. I mean... I am the most incapable person I know... "Aghh...!" I groaned, taking another shot of what could have been the Jack Daniels of this world. Fuck... I hate this. I gagged again, and pressed my lips tightly together. It's making me so sick today...

It's not just the plants... there's still much to do when it came to handling the plans I had for Ilaria, and then there's the party and also... dad's leaving. Fuck... This is...

"No matter how hard you try, no matter how much you want it, not every problem can be solved."

This sense of hopelessness was first introduced to me by my mother. She was overcome with her problems and no matter what solution I came up with, it was never enough. Isn't that obvious? I was just a child, what could I say to actually help? But isn't that obvious? I was just a child... why are you showing me this hopeless part of the world...? I feel so weak. So I already know, there are too many problems in this world that I cannot possibly solved. Weak. Hopeless.

"Not all relationships are exactly reciprocal; not everyone needs you the same way you need them. Sometimes, you can be a favour, an extra or a burden. Even to someone you'd give the world to."

This sense of my own worthlessness was first introduced to me by my father. He worked hard for us, and we benefited as his family; but isn't that all just until he decides not to anymore? Completely dependent and so weak... that is what I was, and I was well-informed of this. You should be grateful he is doing this for you.

A man who didn't know me once told me that I hadn't seen the world yet, that I didn't know anything yet. It brought within me a feeling of... rage. A type of incredulousness. It was strange to be told that I didn't know how the world worked... when its hopelessness and my worthlessness were things I was already familiar with from a place called home.

I know, I already know. This is a big world, and I've always been... always been...

My parents' daughter.

Don't try to teach me about it, about how scary this place can be. Don't try to tell me I don't know all this. I've been on survival mode since the first time I saw their backs, and it wasn't so that they could carry me. It was so that they could walk away.