Zanvis || Colors

55

[ s l i p p i n g ]
[ triggers: overdosing, death, starving ]

I didn't remember much from the ride to the hospital. Occasionally i would open my eyes and see the light from the ambulance or see my brother tower over me. I could hear more than i could see, like the people in the cab panicking, saying that my organs were shutting down due to lack of everything my body needed.
"Well fix him! That's your job! Fuck! How did we not see this?! Zane how could you do this to us?!" He started panicking, Garroth tends to get angry when he's in a panic. If i could i would smack him in the face for saying that. That's almost like telling someone with cancer, 'how could you get sick and die? How selfish can you get?' He had a lot of growing up to do even as a senior in high school. The next thing i knew i was being wheeled in to the hospital and into a room, being hooked up to everything abruptly. I guess someone changed me into a hospital gown, so my binder was removed and someone else found out that i was a transgender. Im not sure how they did it, i was out cold when it happened but i know they did because when i came too later i was in the hospital gown. The first thing they did was put the breather thing in my nose and an iv in my arm. It was the only thing keeping me alive. I couldn't do anything, i was completely drained and probably in a coma, or some kind of sleep paralysis. Which wasn't good considering the nightmares ive been having. I heard my mom's worried voice all broken down and crying. She was talking to Garroth.
"Oh my baby- Garroth what happened?" Her voice hiccuped.
"Mom i don't know- he was walking then just collapsed. Everyone started freaking out and the ambulance was called immediately. I feel so stupid how did we not see this?" I heard my brother's voice crack as he felt responsible for me being in this situation.
"Garroth Lee RoMeave- do not blame yourself for this. I didn't see it either.."
"He told me one night that he was cutting because of the things i did.. it is my fault. if i would have never..- i have regret. it all leads down to my fault."
"No hunny. He chose to punish himself like this it's not your fault.." I heard my mom's voice trail off. She was right, it wasn't their fault they never recognized the suffering i was putting myself in. Maybe at the end they just weren't looking hard enough but it was really my fault i did this. I hoped for death, and i was getting it but in the most painful way possible. I heard everyone's pain and it sucked so much. I realize part of this is me being hard on myself, part of it is not knowing how to handle my own emotions, and the other is that im treated so poorly i couldn't stand myself anymore, because maybe it was my fault i was hurting everyone. Or that i wasn't enough. I don't have the answers. If i blame myself i pity myself, and if i blame other people im not holding myself accountable. There was no way to escape this..
"Should we look at his arms..? The nurses undressed him so i didn't see anything.." garroth stated. My mom sighed. "I don't want to invade his privacy anymore than we already have.." She spoke. It made me happy that she chose to turn my brother down. Not only is she respecting me a lot, but it's none of my brothers business. He already saw enough. And i couldn't bare to destroy their feelings anymore. I heard the door open and it was a nurse who came to talk to my family.
"Mrs RoMeave.. Im very sorry to see your son in this condition. Now of course you know this is the part of the hospital that deals with teens who attempt suicide, which is what we believe this is considering the facts Garroth has told us about Zane's past with attempts and self harm. I am so sorry we couldn't get to him sooner.. There is a very low chance of him coming back out of this. His stomach is extremely small there is a very low chance his stomach will be able to handle the procedure."
"Do everything you can to save my son.." she said softly and cried.
"Im very sorry.. After today when we see how his body reacts we should be able to see if for sure he will survive or not. And if he does then we have someone who would want to talk to you about sending him to a facility where he can recover. We also found traces of tocabbo and smoke in his lungs as well."
"He was smoking cigarettes?" I heard my brother ask confused. Her silence suggested she nodded yes. God this was torture. I could hear everything! I couldn't move so I tried to sleep and prayed to Irene that I wouldn't have another nightmare about being alive because this could be the last time i'm awake.
I dreamt again.. But this time travis was the one killing himself. I was in the type of dream where i could see everything but was divided from interacting with him by some strange barrier. I hoped to Irene it wasn't real- I only had dreams like this when i was dreaming about the future.. I was in the dream but couldn't interact with the environment. He looked at his tv then broke down crying. I walked over to his tv and looked at the screen. It was the news, and some lady was talking about me. I looked back at Travis and saw that he was crying on the ground. I tried talking to him but he couldn't hear me.. I was still trapped behind an invisible force field. He calmed down for a second, but looked at the pill bottle on his nightstand. I thought i got rid of that?! He started dumping them in his hand, one, two, then handfuls at a time until the whole thing was empty. I tried yelling for him to stop but he couldn't hear me.. I watched him die on the floor.
Then I woke up...