Zanvis || Colors

56

[ a l i v e ]
[ triggers: briefly talk of abuse/trauma/assault, talk of self harm ]

I was able to open my eyes finally. It felt like days of sleeping with no dreams. I must have been drugged. I was blinded by the light at first but after blinking a few times i was able to open my eyes all the way and look around. Garroth woke up first and stood up next to me, grabbing my hand. My mom wasn't far behind.
"Zane- Jesus Christ you're awake!"
"Oh my sweet baby!" Mom hugged me tight. I was still weak and i felt terrible for them seeing me alive after a failed attempt to greet death again.
"Why did you do it?" Garroth asked. I knew that would be an upcoming question, and they wouldn't like the answer.
"I don't even remember anymore.. i just couldn't escape it." It was the truth. I couldn't remember anymore, maybe the drugs, maybe the lack of sleep. I didn't want to talk about it to be honest.
"Zane you could have told me.. We could have got you help.." Garroth sounded defeated.
"I didn't want you guys to worry about it. And after everything that happened with you i didn't want you to know anything. I didn't see a point to trying because i was already a waste of money and time. The main concern was Travis not me." My mom didn't know what to say. Garroth was silent too. I felt like they knew i was right considering the facts of the past.
"You've been on a feeding tube and iv while you were asleep so you have to stay here for a few more days.. The nurse said there is a therapist that can come speak with you while you're here recovering.."
"Fine.. i don't care. It's your money you're wasting. I'm a waste no matter how many times i say it no one believes it and i don't know why."
"Because you aren't, Zane Allister! Youre saying Travis wasted his time loving you? Trying to live for you?" Garroth said obviously mad, but he had tears forming in his eyes. "You think i wasted my time loving you? You think mom wasted her love and time raising you?" The answer was yes, 17 years of wasted energy to be exact. "I guess we can die too then right?" He said starting to grab a drawer handle and search through it.
"No- garroth you don't understand. I'm the one hurting everyone else so why should you die?"
"Exactly." He said stopping. That didn't make sense to me.
"Zane what your brother is trying to say is that if you're going to hurt yourself then you might as well be hurting us too.."
"And why would i hurt you? I couldn't ever do that to you."
"Then why would you do it to yourself? It hurts me as your mother just as bad as you doing it to yourself." I understood now. I was hurting them as i was hurting myself. And i didn't want that anymore.. It would take a long time to get that implanted in my brain but for everyone's sake i had to..

---

I was waking back up and saw a blur of blue. "Dante?" I asked rubbing my eyes.
"Yeah it's me, Gene is here too."
"I survived?" I asked opening my eyes again, vision being more clearer now.
"Yes.. Dante saved your life." Gene said, then he glanced at his younger brother.
"The nurses kept saying you wished you would have died because you lost your boyfriend, so they want to keep you here until they know you're safe. They found out that you were by yourself too but didn't tell us what was going to happen to you until you turn 18." Dante explained. I turned my head to the side and teared up. I remember my dad talking to me before Dante pulled me to the shower. I saw dad's spirit like he was still alive, he was looking over me and crying, telling me he was sorry, but then when i really was almost stepping out of my body, he told me it wasn't my time yet, and Dante came busting in the door dragging my lifeless body to the shower.
"What's wrong, Trav?" Dante asked, placing his hand on mine. I turned to face him again.
"Is Zane really gone.?" I asked nervously, almost not wanting to know the answer.
"We don't know. We don't even know if this is the same part of the hospital he's in, Garroth hasn't answered any texts from either of us." my friend explained. I saw Gene texting on his phone, and then he looked up.
"Still nothing." Gene explained to me. I nodded. It was really over this time. Zane was really gone, and i was stuck here in the real world without him. I missed him so god damn much. I only kissed him like once in my life.. I should have kissed him more, told him i loved him, asked him out. I didn't even get to apologize to him for what i did.. The colors were black and white, just like they used to be before i met him. Gene left the room without explanation and then Dante turned to me looking off into space.
"Travis.. Why did you do it..?" He asked slowly. It caught me off guard. I didn't expect him to ask. I thought it was obvious.
"I... basically killed the one person who loved me. I didn't get to tell him i loved him or that i was sorry for hurting his feelings so many times. I was a jerk to him and he tried helping me and making things better. He walked in on me playing some stupid song on the piano and he thought i was calling him a mistake- Before that though i got assaulted by those three men, and assaulted by- I was.. raped by...." I hesitated.
"Your secret is safe with me, Travis. I promise i won't even confront the guy if i know him." He crossed his heart.
"Garroth.. It was Garroth. Dante I-... I was beat as a kid by both parents, mom was physical, dad was mental. But my dad was addicted to pills after my mom killed herself, and i saw her do it. She drove into a lake when i was a kid. Then i found my dad dead in his bed with the bottle in his hand. I grew up thinking my mom was the only good thing in my life. But i found out not that long ago that my mom would abuse my dad and take his money for drugs and alcohol and try to stick him with her heroin needles all the time.. after she died my dad started drinking, and then it's when he became the bad guy lost in beer. I guess before i met you and Zane, life was shit, and it just kept getting worse." I chuckled at the end trying to play it off.
"Don't act tuff. It's okay to be weak sometimes. You've been through some serious shit okay?" I nodded. "I guess what im saying is before i met you guys i didn't have a reason, and now the only reason i started enjoying life is gone.." i didn't want to admit it but it was nice for me to finally tell him what's been going on. He knew that was what i wanted to talk about before. And he didn't ask anything else of me.

---

Gene: garroth how is zane?
Garroth: The nurses said there is a higher chance he'll recover now that he's been through a few treatments, & travis?
Dante: he's depressed, staying here until he is for sure stable to leave.
Dante: when do you think we can get them to meet?
Gene: my bet is in like maybe 3-4 days. They both wont be 100% better but maybe once they see each other theyll have a reason to live.
Garroth: zane for sure he's super down on himself still thinking he is a waste and that he killed travis for no reason bc he's still alive. some nightmare he had.
Gene: these two are literally attached to each other on a spiritual level and need each other to live. i hope they can get over this self blaming thing soon.
Dante: agreed.