Zanvis || Colors

37

[ f i g h t ]
[ triggers: language, violence ]

After supper there was a strange tension between us, the air was thick and it was impossible to fall asleep. Laying next to each other was a comfort thing, but now it felt like it was suppose to be a romantic thing. I got changed in the bathroom, taking my binder off and tossing it on the ground next to my side of the bed once I got back in my room. Travis was already in his pajamas and ready for bed when I got back. I turned the fan on, the lights off and got under the blankets, but we both laid there looking at the ceiling, wondering if something was suppose to happen or if we were just supposed to go to bed like nothing happened earlier.
"You too?" I decided to ask Travis, feeling the same weird, confused emotion radiating off of him.
"Yeah, it's impossible to sleep right now. Demon says we should make out again." We had to whisper because the house was dead silent and the walls were paper thin. I turn my head towards Travis and he does the same. "I don't want to trigger your anxiety.." I explained. I mean, id love to give him more pleasure, but I don't want him to freak out or feel trapped at all. I also didn't want him to over sexualize himself after what happened. He nodded looking away.
"Youre right, I know im not ready for anything either. The feeling you let me have today was different than anything ive experienced so far. I knew I was in control and it made me enjoy it." He explained.
"Ill say it a million times Travis, all I want is for you to feel safe. I'll do anything for you." I said kissing his forehead. He got closer and wrapped his arms around me. It was a warm feeling he gave me, that we gave each other. Something like magic. Feeling his warmth put me to sleep instantly.

Going to bed thinking about what we did that afternoon was a mistake though. I ended up leaking in my boxers a little because I dreamed about what happened between us and it going further.. Thank god I woke up before Travis so I hid my shame by changing and throwing them in my hamper.

~~~

So it was Tuesday, we were dropped off by my mom again. This time Travis too put on a stone face so no one would question what was wrong with us. Again in first hour which was English, Travis chose to sit by the morons rather than sit next to me. He learned to block Garroth out, and Garroth oddly tried not to talk to him throughout the day. In algebra II, we got to sit next to each other. We worked on homework together during group work time, finishing with time to spare.

"How are you doing so far?" I asked doodling in my notebook.
"Im doing alright so far. I feel like I recovered from everything way too fast.. is that a bad thing.?"
"No, not at all. Some things just get left behind a lot faster than others. I mean, sometimes our souls decide what we should worry about rather than our heads being able to pick. Your soul just thinks you should take care of yourself and heal rather than be sad about it I guess." I was rambling, not really even paying attention to what I was saying because I was drawing something dark, on accident.
"You are really into the whole spirit thing huh?"
"Oh hell yeah I am. Im trying to be a low key witch, like uses crystals and stuff like that. Lucy is trying to teach me but I never have time for her too." I said looking up at him, which I notice Travis was staring intensely at my picture. It was a dark sketched.. thing, really skinny and small with sad, lifeless, white circle eyes.
"Are you alright.?" He asked quietly, glancing from the drawing back to me.
"Yeah im doing alright." I gave a fake smile. I was really lost in thought today for no reason. It had been a few days since I left a physical mark on my body.
[trigger: self harm]
Somewhere along the lines of my depression phase starting, I started cutting almost every other day if not everyday. Something in me snapped and id find something, even if it was a lie, just so I could hurt myself. The night Travis got assulted I got bad, opening back up the wanting to do it for no reason rabbit hole. The pain was a punishment for living, for wasting space, for making people waste their energy. I mean look at Aphmau, she wasted years worth of energy on me after she found out I was transgender. What a waste of time I am. My mom spends so much time making sure im alright. She shouldn't have to worry about her own son wanting to off himself because he is unhappy with his body, because he was born sick.
The bell rang and it woke me up, Travis was staring at me for awhile now I suppose. "Zane- are you alright? What are you thinking about?" He asked concerned walking out of the classroom with me. We had Horticulture next, the one class that excited me the most. I loved working in the greenhouse it was my absolute favorite class which was almost impossible for me to like anything about this hell hole.
"I was thinking about 3rd hour, and lunch. We should probably start heading to the gym instead of the bleachers since it's getting colder." I said that flawlessly, he could never tell when I was lying if I really put effort into hiding it.

Lunch came around, we went outside today but agreed that tomorrow we'd just go straight to the gym. The teachers make us go to the gym or outside if were done eating so the kids aren't wondering the halls- which is stupid. this whole school is stupid. We were hanging out, snacking on some goldfish today, listening to our music like always. I pulled out my juul from my inner leather jacket pocket, trying to keep it hidden from Travis and the world. There were no cameras out here but still who knew if someone was secretly watching. I hid it in my giant sleeve, taking a hit and holding it in. I slid it back in my pocket and held it in as long as I could, hoping there would be no smoke once I let out the air I had built up in my chest. I breathed out my nose very long and only a slight bit could be seen. He didn't notice, so I went back to eating some goldfish with him. There was laughter coming up from behind us.
"Hey emo kid!" -kid 3. Travis and I turned and looked at the sophomores down on the sidewalk.
"Were you serious about fighting me for no reason?" I yelled down to them.
"Of course I was! Why would I pass up beating the shit out of you? Youre skin and bones dude, itll be another easy fight to brag about." -kid 3 said, the others laughed.
"I mean, I wore my boots today. Touch me and ill make sure you can't have kids." I offered smiling.
"Zane don't provoke them-" Travis said worried.
"Don't worry they wont do anything." I said turning my back to them. They tried getting my attention by making gay jokes and trying to hurt my feelings by telling me terrible 'my dad is gone' jokes.
"Bro did your dad go to get milk and cigarettes and forget to come home or what?"- kid 1.
"No he just left." I explained, "If youre going to say something at least say something original. Or funny."
"Get your queer ass down here and fight me! You said you were going to so pull up!"
"I don't fight unless there is a reason." Travis started looking worried, we tried pushing them off still but it wasn't working too well.
"There is a reason, we just hate your guts." -kid 2.
"Then why are you talking to me?" It made them all pause for a second, making me laugh.
"I guess we'll just have to start calling you barcode boy." -kid 4. Now that was original, and it actually hit deep. Of course I tried playing it off though.
"Ha- now that one was good who said that? You? Good job, give your friend a round of applause that was clever! Now fuck off, dumb cunts. This is the only time im not surrounded by idiots im trying to enjoy the quiet." Travis took both his earbuds out, instead of putting them in.
"Leave us alone please. We did nothing to you." He tried saying but it came out shaky instead.
"Travis it's really okay.."
"Yeah Travis it's fine, barcode boy likes the attention because he's a slut!" -kid 2.
"No he isn't! Leave us alone!" Travis started tearing up, this was making the both of us extremely overwhelmed. I had enough. I stood up, setting down my phone, earbuds and juul next to Travis. I wore my bulky rings today so if he really wanted to get punched, he could have it. I skipped steps on my way down the bleachers. Marching my way right over to him and pushing him down to the ground. The other backed up gasping.
"Zane don't-!" I heard Travis say from the top of the bleachers. I blocked him out. The kid pushed himself up and swung at me, hitting me in the cheek. He had been in fights before I only imagined I was going to lose. Maybe this is what I wanted, to get jumped so I could feel pain, a punishment for living. Before I could try to swing I was hit again, the same spot causing my cheek to sting. I backhanded him with my cast, it hurt me too, but I hoped it hurt him more. Then I tried punching him with my left hand, which had the rings.
"Do you want me to step on you too?" I said as he was suddenly surrounded by the other boys examining his face, which had only a deep bruise and a slight scratch. He charged me, leaving a really hard punch to my lip. I stumbled back, running into the football locker room building wall. The taste of metal was strong in my mouth. I touched my lip lightly and saw blood, which made me laugh.
"What the hell is so funny?" -kid 3 asked angrily. I didn't answer, and i was shoved hard against the wall again. The back of my head hit the wall, the world was suddenly spinning and voices sounded like they were miles away.
"Get up bitch! Keep fighting! Youre gonna get it for hitting me with a goddamn cast!" I was chuckling the whole time, mind spinning, head pounding. "Fuck you.." i chuckled out. I sat there against the wall, suddenly seeing someone enter my blurry vision before blacking out for a moment.