Zanvis || Colors

25

[ m y f a u l t ]
[ triggers: death, mention of self harm, self blame ]

The movie was great! And holding Zane's hand made me feel not only safe but warm inside. I wiped my eyes and grabbed his hand once more to walk out of the movie theater once the very final end credits started playing. i didnt even think about people's reactions towards us, i just did it.
"Wow, ive never been more emotional about a movie in my life.. it was a great way to wrap up the Avengers series though, I thought anyway." I said to Zane. He nodded and agreed. I did dislike when some people died and it made me ball like a baby.
"Are you hungry my love or are you full from all the sugar you just had?" He asked me smiling. I looked at him feeling bad but I was kind of hungry.
"Do you want some fast food?" He asked me. My smile grew and I nodded yes. "Cmon then, lets go."
"To the car!" I said in a funny accent. We sat in the car and ate instead of going inside because Zane is a germaphobe when it goes to restaurants, but on the bright side we got to listen to whatever music we wanted to while we ate and talk about our thoughts on the movie.
We started driving home shortly after and jammed out to music. It was extremely hard not to fall asleep on the way home, it was super late because the movie was one of the longest movies ive ever sat through.
Zane started acting weird around the time we about made it to my house.
"Travis.. are you sure you don't want to come back over?" He asked. "I think there is something weird going, I don't want you to get in the middle of it." He said cautious. We pulled up to my house and I looked at him worried.
"What do you mean silly? Is everything okay?" I asked him worried. I wanted to make sure my dad was okay, he was prone to do stupid things by himself. Zane didn't answer, he looked forward but worried.
"It's probably nothing, it's just an odd vibe i feel right now."
I was now worried. He pulled up to my house and when I was about to get out he stopped me.
"Travis wait- you don't know what's going on-"
"Exactly! I have to make sure my dad is okay!" I tried getting out of the car but he held onto my arm. "Zane he's all I have left! please let go.." I said worried. Zane let go and as soon as he did I ran up to the house and busted in. Zane got out of the car and ran after me. "Dad? Dad im home! Everything okay?" I said looking around, i ran to his room and the door was cracked slightly. "Dad?" I asked pushing it open slowly and cautiously. Zane was right behind me. he grabbed my shoulder as if he was worried, but why i dont know. I saw my father laying there lifeless, his arm over the side of the bed with his pill bottle in his hand and the rest of them spilled on the floor.
"d-dad..-? dad..-- dad please wake up.!" I started shaking him trying to get him out of this deep slee he was in. i sat there doing it more, wishing he would wake up but he wasn't. Why wasn't he waking up? I noticed he wasn't breathing anymore and i felt everything inside of my body collapse. It felt like my heart shattered, the air was sucked out of my lungs. I was in shock.
"Oh my god.. Ill call 911-" Zane was panicking now too, he called the ambulance and they were on their way. I clung onto my dad's lifeless body waiting for him to wake up.
"Travis..- " Zane tried speaking to me, trying to get me to go to him, but i cut him off and got out of his grasp.
"No he can wake up i know he can!" I bawled my eyes out. I remembered that i wasn't there for him when this happened. "...this is my fault..."
"No, travis this is not your fault- don't blame yourself for this."
"...i wasn't here for him.. to stop him... i was gone.." I said sitting on the floor. I had bloodshot eyes that were just constantly dripping hot tears, leaving streaks down my face. I tried reaching for the bottle but Zane stopped me and held me tight in a hug. I started screaming and crying more because i just had an amazing night with Zane but now i wanted to throw up and take every single remaining pill to see my dad again. I want to split my arm open and bleed out. I want to burn my skin. I want to punch and hit myself until im bruised and don't feel a thing. I don't want to live anymore. It's my fault i let this happen and there is no excuse. It was my fault.
"I want to be alone.." I said to him.
"Travis no, i don't trust you by yourself. You can't be alone.. you need me to take care of you." Then the ambulance arrived but deep down I already knew it was too late for him. They tried taking him to the ambulance and reviving him, but they too said it was too late. Police came in and saw no note or anything to can explain why he did it, depression might have been the side effects of the sleep medication he took.
"Son do you have somewhere you can stay, you aren't 18 you can't live alone." A officer said.
"I have family yes." I spoke, barley any noise came out though. I also had Zane, but I didn't want to be around anyone. I didn't want to drag anyone down so I lied. They left after not being able to find anything, believing that I had family coming over to get me.
"Travis are you sure they'll be here?"
"Yes, I texted my aunt she said shed come down to stay with me a bit." But I lied again and unfortunately he believed it too.
"Travis.. I think you deserve the space you need, but you shouldn't be alone for too long. If you have the tiniest thought about self harm you call me, you text me right away. Do not hurt yourself Travis Mathew.." He pleaded, I nodded yes to him and he kissed my forehead. He stuck around in the doorway staring at me, it was hard for him to leave I suppose.
"Go.. I just want to go to sleep.." I said. He nodded and left, not knowing what else to say after i told him to get out. I heard the front door click. I cried myself to sleep, laying in his spot, thoughts racing around my head. Demon was quiet too, after all it was his dad too. It was just as painful to him as it was to me. The police took the rest of the pills so i couldn't try anything while being alone. Plus it was evidence. They said they would try to investigate it further to see if anyone made it seem like a suicide, but they were fairly certain it was just a suicide case.
"You know we should really be with Zane right now. He can protect us and make us feel better."
Go away.
"Travis don't do this to me, to us." He persisted
"I said go away!"
"I would go away if i could! He was my dad too, prick."
"Fuck you."