Zanvis || Colors

39

[ w e d n e s d a y ]
[ triggers: eating disorder, self harm ] 

Travis was onto me and my cutting habits. I don't think hes found of my new vaping habits either. Supper was quiet for us because the earlier situation where everyone knew I was self harming and now being called "barcode boy". My face was swollen and bruised, the cuts on my face starting to scab up. The principal called my mom a little bit before supper. She said that he was the one in trouble and suspended for a week and that because Travis and I were bound to leave Thursday I was going back tomorrow as my last day.
"Good news, after school tomorrow youll get a removable cast." My mom said trying to make conversation. I nodded, eating with the intentions of throwing up blaming it on anxiety. I haven't ever forced myself to throw up, I usually starve myself all day and eat supper so my mom thinks im eating.
"That is good, then you can start drawing with your right hand again." Travis tried making it better. It helped alittle bit I did miss being a perfectionist with my right hand. But painting with my left hand got me into the more abstract look. Garroth was on his phone almost the entire time we were eating.
"Garroth Lee, what did I tell you?" My mom scolded him.
"What?" He was confused.
"Your phone, put it down while youre at the table."
"Sorry." He said putting it in his lap occasionally looking down at it.
"What are you looking at anyway?" My mom asked, starting to get annoyed.
"Nothing important. Im sorry." He said and finished his food in a hurry and then stuck his face in his phone again.
"Do you boys have any idea what is going on with him?" My mom asked confused.
"I hadn't heard anything?" Travis said, confused. He finished his food and sat there talking with us. I was glad to see he was making progress in becoming comfortable in the house. "Im going to start dishes." Travis offered and walked off to the kitchen, leaving my mom and i alone at the table.. 
"So Zane, now that we're alone is there anything you want to talk about? How is fixing the whole Travis getting hurt again plan going?" Mom asked me, she looked concerned for me but I wasn't the one who had lost both of my parents, lives with a demon in my head and lives with my rapist acting like he's a best friend.
"Well, i was going to make like an lgbt or anti rape group because you'd be surprised how much it happens in high school. All the jocks are jerks. I mean look at me I got beat up by sophomores." I tried laughing at the last part but my mom didn't find it very funny.
"Are you sure you don't want me to say anything about it?"
"No, if his friends find out it was him hed blame it on me."
"Zane, why would you say that about your brother? He seems to be acting normal?"
"Can we not talk about this? You just said my brother who is a rapist and fuck boy was being normal."
"Alright.. We won't talk about it anymore. How are you doing?" My mom reached her hand out for me to take it. I looked at it worried like it was a trick but I placed my thin boney hand in hers and she placed her other hand on top of mine. I didn't want to answer her but the whole hand grabbing thing did it and I gave in.
"I'm doing alright.. I let Travis check my arms and my stomach.. He said he wouldn't tell you but here i am telling you because i love you and i know you only want to help me. I just- i really think i need to talk to the therapist..like a lot. I'm not sure how people at school found out that I self harm but the sophomores probably told all their friends what my new name is. And to be honest i've been struggling with the whole identity thing again.. I wear my binder but now that Travis is around it's harder to just get over the fact i have boobs because i cant change in my own bedroom around him." I spat out, i hoped she didn't mind.
"Is there anything i can do to help that, Zane? You know how i feel about top surgery right now.. I only want what's best for you but until you're 18 you shouldn't get plastic surgery because you're still growing, even though i know it isn't plastic surgery."
"I know.. I don't know what will help.." I was confused about the whole situation. I could work out I guess but i was more of the thin, femboy look.
"Is it because you like him.?" She asked trying not to smile.
"What do you mean is it because I like him.? I am a female, it's still breasts right? And I'm only 17. Are you alright with him seeing me?" I was confused.
"Well, not if you identify as a male right?" She was trying, and that's what made me feel warm inside.