Since You've Been Gone

chapter 42- the truth

the sun will rise - rhys lewis

I had let everyone in the waiting room go see Connor before I did. I wasn't ready, and I was almost 100% sure that sitting in that god-awful silent waiting room had only psyched me out more.

But now, as I stood outside of the door to Connor's hospital room, I felt like I was about to shit my pants. Honestly, I had no idea why I was so nervous. This was Connor, for fuck's sake.

Raising my hand to knock on the pale wooden door, I realized I was shaking. "God, Hope," I mumbled to myself. "Get it together."

"Come in!" Connor's muffled voice boomed from behind the door.

Now or never, Hope. Now or never.

Slowly I walked into the room, taking in every detail about it, as I tried my hardest not to pay attention to the boy sitting in the bed.

"Hope?" Shit.

"Hey, C." I smiled.

His face contorted in confusion as he stared back at me. As he looked at me, I really took in his appearance.

Connor's forehead had a nasty cut on it surrounded by a dark purple bruise, and his lip looked like it had also been busted. But the biggest thing I could see was the sling that covered his left arm.

"Were you crying?"

"Yeah...um, I was worried about you." Could this get any more awkward?

"Really?" Connor scoffed.

I only nodded as I stood at the foot of Connor's hospital bed, picking at my fingernails. This was the biggest mistake. He didn't want me here.

I should've just gone home.

"I thought after last weekend, it was over," Connor mumbled. "I actually thought you didn't care about me."

"Are you serious?"

"Why would I joke about that, Hope?"

"Connor..." my voice cracked. "You really thought I didn't care about you?"

"After 17 years of being best friends, Hope... I really thought I had lost you."

Ouch.

I sort of figured that Connor would have a few choice words to say to me, but I didn't think that he would say... that.

Thinking about Connor giving up on our friendship, or thinking that I had given up on him, was heartbreaking.

Sighing, I sat in the chair next to Connor's bedside. "I think I need to tell you something."

"Huh?"

"I..." I didn't even know where to start. "Do you remember that time in seventh grade when we were laying on the trampoline watching the stars? It was after the Valentine's Day dance, where I wore that burgundy dress, and you wore that horrendous striped purple shirt?"

"Yeah." Connor looked down at his lap, a small smile coming across his face as he remembered that night.

"That night, I was so... happy. It was just some stupid middle school dance, and I really don't think we stayed that long, but I was happy because I was with you." I chuckled to myself and looked at Connor, whose dark blue eyes were already peering at me. "And then you kissed me."

The two of us had been staring up at the stars for probably close to an hour, and when I went to go ask Connor a question, he leaned over and kissed me. Truth be told, it was just a peck because we were only like twelve, but I still counted it as my first kiss.

"That was the first time you gave me butterflies."

Connor's head snapped up. "What are you talking about, Hope?"

I took a deep breath and keep speaking, ignoring Connor's question. I really didn't know what I was talking about or where I was going.

"I don't think I really ever told you how much you're leaving affected me, C. I laid around for months and months, utterly heartbroken. I think for a while, I was in shock, and then that turned into hurt, and man did that hurt... hurt."

"Hope, you know I wouldn't have left that way if it had been up to me. I didn't mean to-"

I shook my head. "I'm not here to argue with you, Connor. I just want to explain."

"Okay." He nodded.

"Slowly, I put the pieces back together. I started to go out more with Layla, and I met Jack, and for a while, things were good. I repressed that feeling of hurt and pain, but the nagging feeling that something was missing from my life never went away. There was not a single day where I didn't think about you, Connor." I wiped the lone tear that had fallen down my cheeks and batted the others away. "But when you came back, it was so much harder to ignore that void. It was a void that could only be filled by you. I had tried for years to make Jack you, but we were never going to have the connection that we do."

"Hope..." Connor warned. His mouth was slightly open, and from my seat, I could see the redness that brimmed his eyes. "What are... what is this? What are you trying to say?"

"I like you, Connor Monroe Harding. I like you a lot." I let out a watery laugh as my tears started to slowly trickle out. "You make me so indescribably happy. You make me laugh. You're so smart, and you're a little crazy, but just seeing your smile and hearing your voice makes my day. And I'm so so sorry that it took you getting the absolute shit kicked out of you for me to realize that."

Connor was silent for what felt like hours. Fuck, I probably just made the biggest fool out of myself.

Watch him tell me that it was all a joke, and he's still in love with Aspen.

But then he laughed. Like I'm talking about the deep kind of belly laugh that makes you smile and start to laugh too.

"Why are you laughing at me?"

Connor only laughed harder but then groaned and clutched his stomach. "Because that makes me so happy, Hope. I don't even know what to say... that sentence – that whole speech – it makes me so fucking happy."

Oh. Oh.

Well, that's good, I guess.

"C'mere Hope." Connor lifted his good arm and stuck out his hand, signaling me over. When I reached his bedside, his warm, calloused hand interlocked with mine. "You know, when people ask, I always say that I had my first kiss that night, and I tell them that you were my first girlfriend. Which I know isn't true, but it just felt right. Being with you always feels right, H."

Holy shit.

"Really? Because I know that I kept pushing you away, an-"

"Really, Hope. I'm not upset with you – well, I mean it sucked, but I get why you were doing it. You've gone through so much in the last few months, and I was just adding to the stress of everything."

My heart was going to burst. Why did this kid always know what to say?

As I looked down at our interlocked hands, everything seemed to click. It was like the missing pieces of the puzzle I call life, finally made it to their respective places in the collective picture. I felt whole.

Connor squeezed my hand and spoke again. "I'm here for you, Hope. I'm here for the ups and downs. The arguments, both big and small. I'm not going anywhere... I pinky promise. No matter how complicated things get, I'll be by your side through all of it."

Swoon.

At this moment, I was so incredibly thankful to have the support system that I did. I was grateful for my parents, Layla and Connor. And although things hadn't gone perfectly, I wouldn't have it any other way.