Since You've Been Gone

chapter 50 - saying goodbye (epilogue)

where'd all the time go? - dr. dog 

Five months later

I've always loved fall. The trees start changing colors, running around in leaf piles, and the Texas heat finally cooling down. But this year? I couldn't stop dreading the idea of fall.

Okay, dreading was a little harsh. I was anxiously awaiting the end of summer.

"Are all your bags packed, honey?" My mom stuck her head through the doorway and peered inside my room.

"Yeah." I nodded as I tried to distract myself by packing some of Avery's last-minute things. I don't know why I wanted to cry so hard, but I was on the verge of tears as I fluttered around my childhood bedroom.

Today was finally the day I was moving to Troyvens Creek. My parents and I had decided that it would be best for Connor, Avery, and me to just move into the house they owned off-campus. Not to mention it had an extra room that Layla could stay in as well, so it was going to be a house full of all of my people.

Connor has been living down there for a few weeks already since training camp started at the beginning of July, but today was the day that I was finally going to be joining him. So, today marked the end of an era in my books.

No more counting the twinkly stars and scuffs on my ceiling when I couldn't fall asleep. No more nightly fights over what to watch on the TV with Toby or arguing over who got to eat the last dinner roll.

Part of me was beyond excited, but the other half was sobbing in the corner. It was bittersweet.

"Honey..." My mom spoke softly as I sniffled. "It's gonna be okay."

"I know."

"So why are you crying?"

"Because I'm sad," my voice broke as I turned around and gave her a watery smile. "I'm gonna miss you."

I can confidently say that without my mom, there is no way I would have survived the last five months. There's a lot of things that you're unprepared for as a first-time mother, but even more so when you've had a c-section.

Connor spent nearly every night at my house, trying to help out the best he could, but there are just some things that you don't want your boyfriend to see. And changing the bloodied bandage around my stitches was not one of the things I particularly wanted him to see.

But my mom was there. Every day and every night, she sat by my side. Helping me get up and go to the bathroom, learn how to nurse Avery, and keep my spirits up when I got frustrated.

"Oh, I'm going to miss you so much baby." My mom wrapped her arms around me and ushered my head into her neck. "I love you and I'm so proud of you Hope. You're doing so amazing and I know you're going to continue to be a great momma."

Oh, God. That really got me crying.

"What if I can't handle all of the classes while I'm taking care of AJ?"

"Then we'll cross that bridge when we get there." My mom pulled back and wiped away some of the tears falling down my cheeks. "Don't worry about it, okay?"

"What if I really mess up, Momma?"

"When have you ever worried about 'what ifs' Hope? Where is all of this coming from?"

I started worrying about 'what ifs' when I became a mom. What if I forgot to burp Avery? What if she got sick? What if Jack tried to come back into our lives?

I was blessed enough to become the momma of a beautiful seven-pound ten-ounce baby girl, and now it was my job to watch over the both of us.

It was us against the world, and I didn't ever want to jeopardize our little family.

"Knock, knock." Connor walked into my room; a giant smile plastered on his face. "We ready to go?"

My mom took one more look at me before turning her gaze towards Connor.

"I think I'm going to take down the rest of Avery's boxes, but Hope still needs a few more minutes."

Connor's eyes lit up as if he and my mom had some sort of telepathic communication. "Oh."

I knew Connor was watching me, but I couldn't stop looking out the window in my room where I sat for so many years, watching the wind ripple through the yard. I had so many memories here, and even though I knew I would be back all the time, it was still sad to be leaving.

"C'mere." Connor patted the bed beside him and waited for me to join him. As soon as I sat next to him, he reached for my hand, interlocking it with his own. He didn't ask me what was wrong or push me to speak, rather embraced the silence between us.

"I'm nervous... and scared." I whispered.

"I know."

"Are you scared?"

"Shitless." He nodded. "I'm beyond scared that I am going to fail miserably at football and boy am I terrified that I'm going to lose you."

"What?" I frantically turned towards Connor as he just gently smiled at me.

"What if I don't make enough time for you? Between football, school, and AJ we're pretty busy people and that makes me super nervous that we won't prioritize our relationship. I'm 110% worried that one day you'll wake up and realize that I'm not worth all the stress."

Connor calmly rubbed circles on my hand as his smooth voice echoed around my room. He was openly voicing some of his biggest fears, yet he was still one of the calmest people I knew.

"I don't think that will happen." I scrambled to reassure him. "I love you so much C... and you've been such a good dad to Avery. I don't want to ever lose you."

Connor brought his hand up to my cheek, and I leaned into his touch. "I think I would give up football before I ever let it get that far Hope. I'm terrified that that will happen and you're terrified that you're going to suck at being a mom. Both of those fears are so far fetched that pigs might be flying before they come true."

"What if- "

"Hope, you're the smartest, compassionate, and most beautiful girl I've ever met. You're also the best mom to AJ. You've overcome so much just to assure that she has a positive life and you have truly flourished into the mom role. I mean, it takes my breath away every time I see the two of you together." Connor pressed a long kiss to my lips and then murmured against them. "My two favorite girls in the entire solar system, and I thank my lucky stars for you two every day." 

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that's it :( well not exactly... in the next few weeks i'll probably be putting out bonus scenes (comment any specific scenes or if you want them to be in connor/hope's pov!!!) and i'm working on another book. 

this book is called since it's gone quiet and i'm thinking it will be the next book in a series about troyvens creek. it'll follow mason + riley (with special appearances from our gang from since you've been gone) so keep an eye out for that. 

i love you all so much and thanks for reading. 

xoxoswaldo <3 5.23.21