Since You've Been Gone

chapter 23- can't

hostage- billie eilish

A couple of football players had dragged Connor in the direction of the locker rooms, so I didn't get a chance to see him after his fight with Jack. Layla had stuck around to watch all of the basketball players fret over Jack, who was still laying on the ground. I had no doubt she also yelled at Jaylin for how much of an ass Jack was.

I, on the other hand, couldn't have gotten out of the parking lot faster than I did. An overwhelming sense of dread and anxiety had come over my body as I thought about Jack following through with his threats. The entire way home, my mind raced with the possible outcomes and how big the fallout would be.

All of my worrying had sent me straight to the bathroom when I got home, where I promptly threw up everything I had eaten in the past twelve hours. My mom rushed into the bathroom behind me and held my hair up as my body racked with heaves. Her eyes were full of concern, and it only made me feel worse.

I felt so ashamed of my current situation. I was pregnant at seventeen which was a disappointment in itself, and on top of that, the father and I weren't even together. To make matters even worse, my baby daddy was getting ready to post naked pictures of me all over the internet.

"Hope, I'm getting worried about you." My mom was sitting on the edge of my bed, brushing my hair away from my face.

"Momma," I sighed. "I'm okay."

"You didn't even eat dinner tonight. That can't be good for the baby, or you frankly."

"I'm just not that hungry right now. I'll get a snack or eat leftovers later, I promise." She wordlessly pressed a kiss to my forehead and closed my bedroom door on her way out.

If I was being honest, I didn't really want her to leave. I wanted her to wrap me in her arms and rock me back in forth while I cried. I wanted her to promise that nothing was going to happen. I wanted her to tell me everything was going to be okay.

Instead, I laid in my bed. I've been doing that a lot lately. Sometimes, I lay awake at three-a.m. and my heart is pounding in my chest, my hands shake, and I can't breathe. It's starting to feel less like a bed and more like a hell wrapped in cotton sheets.

A knock echoed throughout my room, and my door slowly opened. I'm already prepared to tell my mom that I'm still not hungry and content on starting at my ceiling, but she's not standing there. Connor is.

"C?" I sit up, and my blanket pools around my waist. "What are you doing here?"

He doesn't say anything, but as he walked over to me and the sunset shined on his face, I finally took in his appearance. There's a cut above his left eyebrow, and the same cheekbone has a purple undertone to it, and his right hand has white bandages going around his knuckles.

Seeing him hurt, even if it was just minor like this, brought up feelings that I didn't expect. Yeah, I would never want to see Connor hurt, but my stomach had never dropped the way it did. My heart had never ached like it did as I stared at the dark bruises covering his face.

"Your mom called me."

"Oh."

Connor sat down in the spot that my mom had just vacated. His eyes were fixated on me and the numerous blankets that sat around my body.

"Are you okay, Hope? Don't give me any of that 'I'm fine' bullshit."

"You're asking me if I'm okay?" I laughed. "Have you looked in the mirror lately?"

"Hope-"

"No, Connor. Why did you do that? You could have gotten suspended or hurt worse than you did."

Connor clenched his jaw and looked out my window before turning back towards me. "I couldn't let him talk to you like that."

"Huh?"

"I couldn't sit there and let Jack say all of that shit to you. You're carrying his kid for fuck's sake."

The way he said that sentence made butterflies erupt in my stomach. All of these feelings that I had pushed away for so long were starting to come back. Connor was inching his way back into my heart, and not just as my best friend. These feelings were more than that. God, I was screwed.

"Hope, you don't deserve any of that. All of the nasty things he said to you and the fact that he wants to expose you just shows how terrible of a person he is. You deserve someone who values you. Someone who loves you."

While he was talking, Connor had scooted closer to me, and his hand was holding my cheek, his thumb caressing my jawline. His touch made me feel so safe, so loved. When I was with him, I felt like there was not a care in the world. He made me forget all of the chaos in my life and the struggles I was facing.

"You always know what to say." I peered up at Connor, who had a soft smile on his face. I couldn't help but notice how good he looked as he grinned.

The way the evening sun was shining across his face made his eyes sparkle and his tan skin glow. His smile and eyes- God, those eyes- made the butterflies in my stomach go crazy.

Every part of my body wanted to kiss him. I wanted to feel his lips against mine and stay wrapped in his warm embrace forever. But was I willing to kiss him and possibly mess up our friendship? Things still weren't the same from before he left. Fuck it.

Cautiously, I straightened my back and leaned forward, pressing my lips against Connor's. He was still for what felt like hours before he brought his hand to the back of my head and kissed me back. My hands were on either side of his cheeks, and I could feel them heating up underneath my palms. All of the tension in my body seemed to melt away at the mere touch of his lips. 

The kiss was gentle, but it held so much emotion. The tenderness was something that I had never experienced with Jack before. He was always impatient and rough, and he never kissed me like this without expecting something else in return.

As Connor pulled away, my breaths were somewhat uneven, and my forehead fell to rest on his shoulder. His hand on my lower tightened, and he drew me in closer.

"I can't think straight when I'm with you," I whispered.

Connor's whole body tensed as I said those eight words. His arms suddenly dropped from their position on my waist, and he started to push me away.

"I-Hope... I can't do this."

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hi guys. this chapter is not my favorite, but i still hope that you enjoyed it.