Since You've Been Gone

chapter 10 - when push comes to shove

broke me first- tate mcrae

In the many times that I had dreamed about Connor, I must have forgotten about his driving. God, the boy wasn't terrible but, he sure didn't understand the speed limit.

"Connor, slow down," I grunted.

"I'm not even going that fast." He threw his head back in laughter, making the car swerve a little.

"Connor!"

"Okay, okay." Connor tapped the brakes and turned towards me. "You know, I missed the little things like this."

"You missed almost killing us in car crashes? Really?"

"No Hope. Well- kind of. I meant the road trips and the diner dates. The laughs."

"I missed it too, C."

Connor was right. Being able to talk to him and just joke around was good. It felt like old times.

Neither of us spoke for several more minutes. The low hum of the truck engine and the subtle radio music made the peaceful silence all the more peaceful.

"No way Connor." He parked the truck on the side of a gravel road. I was shocked that he remembered this place.

"Of course."

We climbed down from the lifted truck and started walking along the treeline. Through the thinning trees, you could spot the quiet lake. It was fairly small, so there were never any boats, and not many people knew how to get to the banks, so it was always deserted.

When we were little Connor, and I used to come out here at least once a week. We would spend hours throwing rocks into the lake and seeing which one of us could make the biggest splash. It was a place that had memories that would be ingrained in me forever.

"It hasn't changed one bit, has it?" Connor asked once we sat down, dangling our feet over the glistening water.

"You know, the world didn't stop when you left, right?" I joked. Little did he know though.

"Ouch." He laughed. "You didn't even miss me?"

"Get a grip." I huffed. If he didn't know how much his absence had hurt me, then I wasn't going to tell him. At least not yet.

"Liar." I shoved Connor, and he shoved me back, but the only think is he was massively stronger than I was, and his little shove sent me into the lake.

"Connor! Oh, my God!"

"Oh shit. My bad H, I didn't mean to. I promise." Connor stood up and reached his hand down to help pull me back up to the grass I was sitting on moments prior. But I had other plans. When I latched on to his hand, I used all my strength to pull him down with me.

"You did not." Connor came back to the surface of the water, spitting out water. "I'm gonna get you, Hope."

He came swimming after me, but both of us were laughing too hard to get anywhere effectively. His tanned arms stretched out and wrapped around my ankle, yanking me backward.

"Let go of me, C." He had his arms wrapped around my torso, and I was trying to wiggle my way out.

"Not a chance."

"Fine." Mark that up as another L, for Hope. I was losing all my battles against this boy today. "I see you're still making the bigger splashes."

"You think I would ever let you win?" We both looked directly at each other and then burst into a fit of laughter.

After we calmed down, I wrapped my arms around his neck and laid my head on his shoulder. I missed his embraces. The way his strong arms squeezed me made me feel safe. It made all the stress seem to melt away.

"I missed you so much, Hope." He sighed.

"What?" I pushed back on his shoulder so I could look at him.

"I missed you."

"No, you didn't Connor," If he had missed me, he would have called. Or at least texted.

"What do you mean? Of course, I missed you." Connor's eyebrows were scrunched together, and from our close proximity, I could feel his heart thumping.

"Connor, let go of me."

"Hope- what? What are you talking about?"

"Let me go."

"Hope..." He whined.

"Connor, I want to go home." I looked at his blue eyes and they were full of confusion. "Connor please." Thunder was rumbling overhead and the wind was beginning to pick up. Glad the weather decided to match my mood.

"No. We need to talk about this."

"Talk about what?"

"Don't do that Hope. You know I would never have left if it was my choice, and I would have never left like that."

"Then why didn't you call, huh? Didn't want to shoot me a text or anything? Was that too much of an inconvenience for you?" I shoved on his chest and Connor finally let me go. I didn't miss the look of rejection on his face as I moved away from him.

"Hope it wasn't like that, I promise."

"It wasn't like what? Are you sure? Because if I remember correctly, you left without a single word. No goodbye. No 'I'll call you'. Nothing, Connor." I was trying to be strong, and my anger was fueling that so far. However, this was the most I had talked about this with anyone besides Layla and Raeanna.

"My dad told us that we weren't allowed to talk to y'all, and I know that no excuse, I know. But when I realized that I didn't care, Katie and Raeanna told me how upset you had been and I didn't want to make you anymore upset." His voice sounded so sad and I couldn't tell whether or not the water falling down his cheeks were tears, or the rain that decided to start pouring down. "I didn't want to hurt you, Hope. You were- and still are- my best friend. You looked so happy after a while. You started dating Jack, and you and Layla always make each other happy. I didn't want to text you months later, and bring all the bad memories back."

"Connor, I was heartbroken. I loved you." By now I was crying. What the absolute fuck do I say? I missed him so much, but was his reason enough to forgive him? I didn't know. My heart was going to hurt either way.

"I know you did, and I loved you. But I wasn't good for you." He sounded so broken, but he broke me first.

"That wasn't your choice to make Connor, it was mine. I get to decide who I want to be friends with and who I spend my time with. I cannot tell you how many times I stayed up crying and begging God for you to come back. But you left and you didn't speak to me, because you thought you knew what was best for me."

"I'm sorry Hope. Please. I'm so sorry," he begged.

"Connor, take me home. Please."

"Okay," he whispered.