Red lights (soukoku)

see you in your dreams

Dazai couldn't sleep so he went to his bedside table and opened the small container of sleeping pills.one.just one.dazai seriously thinking about overdosing but realised he shouldn't die the night he went to his funeral.it would be shameful.

He swallowed the pill and let his head rest against the bed frame.he pushed the pillow on his right shoulder then leaned on it as if it was chuuya's shoulder but never a pillow would ever be the same.(people with body pillows crying rn lmao)

Warning never done povs before so it will be bad so bare with me.

....................

Dazai pov

My head felt heavy and body so weak.I closed my eyes hopefully to see better days.

Chuuya...

I see him standing just a few feet away.

"You're such a stupid makerel"he said with arms wide tears running down his face.i couldn't control myself and ran to his arm,the warmth of his body,the colour of his hair,my head was on his chest listening to the sound of his heart beat.

"I'm sorry,it's my fault you died and I couldn't save you in time",I looked up at him with two hands on my face.he kissed me on the lips,it felt so soft and I melted in his arm at that moment.a burst of emotions, press upon another set of lips or even warm skin, it just feels good.

"I know you aren't real and this is a dream but this is the only way i could say i love you slug"

" are you seriously going to say nicknames now!"

For once in a while I laughed knowing that chuuya is mad but he looked so adorable .The puffed up cheeks and hands in fists and that he looks so short.butterflies.

"If i was still alive i would slice your fucking throat!"

In an instant chuuya fell down and our surroundings changed,I quickly court chuuya and then I was back to that day.

"CHUUYA CHUUYA!" i shouted.i couldn't lose him again,he looked the same when it happened.his blood oozing out his body,i can't watch this again,i can't let him die again..

My lips were shivering and then chuuya turned his head around eyes almost out of his eye sockets and said,"it's your fault" chuuya's smile looked like a demon before all movement shut off his body.

 My body froze,it's my fault.

With that I screamed my lungs out,the sound of pain and I felt my tears choking me.

Again ,again,again,again.why can't i protect anyone i love for fuck sake.first oda which was like a father to me now the love of my life TWICE.i dug my finger nails into my scalp,i am a pure disapionment .

I felt a tap on my shoulder and flinched but soon I went back to my senses.i turn around to see his face.the one and only ogai mori.port mafia leader...

"Osamu dazai... YOU REALLY ARE A WORTHLESS MAN YOU CAN'T EVEN PROTECT THAT MONSTER!"he was laughing at me,i feel so weak and vulnerable against a man like him.mori laughed louder and louder gripping onto my neck until my mind was over power and then ...

........................

Dazai woke up in a cold sweat, his heart was a beating drum that echoed in his ear with each thump. No more chuuya, no more nightmares. He clenched on the pillow hugging it as if it was chuuya. 

After an hour, he dressed himself in the normal pale sand coloured trench coat and the black vest over its light blue shirt. He brushed out his bands that framed the face and the middle of dazai's forehead. He took a long deep breath and walked to the kitchen.dazai's hands were shaking with fear and guilt ,he poured a glass of cool water and drank in slowly as if the water would ingolf him drowning dazai in a thought of unbearably imagined corrupted his mind.

Dazai turned his head to the clock and grunted loudly knowing the last thing he wanted today was kunikida to shout at him since the thought of chuuya staring at him and saying 'it's your fault' was already hard to cope,he picked his phone and key and left his apartment to the armed detective agency.

His dream felt so real he couldn't detect what was real or fake anymore.he went up the elevator and jumped onto the sofa reading his book.a good book is alway a good book...

"Dazai you really need to read a different book, you've need to read that book over and over and and you said it yourself that you basically remember every word", at sushi said in a bored tone.

"I've said it before, a good book is anyways a good book" dazai replied with a dull face.

"Come on dazai you have paperwork to do", kunikida stepped into the conversation.

Dazai rolled his eyes and let out a roaring grunt. He really didn't feel like doing work today the day after chuuya funeral but here he was stuck at work with two colleagues talking to him. He stood up and proceeded to walk over to his desk with a small stack of papers.

"everyone was nice enough to take some of your work to ease you up a bit after... You know"

"Thanks kunikida..."

He read through the paper and wrote out the work,he had no motivation but he felt as if people would judge him if he can't do simple tasks so i wrote away to the last paper on the pile.

When dazai finished the pile of paperwork,he decided to go around the city for a break.he wondered throughout the place but wherever he went memories flooded into his mind the countless times where chuuya and dazai fought when drunk or had their break in a random spot.he remembered one time when chuuya was full on drunk and dazai was tipsy and sang in a karaoke bar blasting out loud.dazai secretly recorded that day and sent to the whole port mafia,chuuya slapped him 10 times that day.

Dazai scrolled through his phone and played the video,the sound of his sound,the smile on his face.chuuya was an amazing singer.

Was...

He was good,he was happy,he was alive.

Dazai closed his eyes and shaked his head trying to get the thought.(i can imagine that ,so cuteeeee)

Dazai walked off and decided to go to one last place before home,the lupin bar.

..................

i might do a face reveal.do you want one?

BTW i'm she/her and 12