A Pirate's Crush

18. Should've Just Stayed In Bed

Was it a date? He said it wasn't. But we were alone together. That's basically a date, right? Or is it not a date unless you say it's a date? Or...

"Argh!" I grunted, rubbing my temples and staring at the ceiling, playing mental connect-the-dots with the bumps.

What time is it? 2:00? Ugh... damn it all.

I didn't think this would bother me. This whole "was it a date?" nonsense. I thought I'd be able to rest comfortably knowing we both had fun, and that's all that mattered. Hell, I was exhausted by the time we were done. If anything, I should've crashed. Instead, I've spent the last two hours mentally plucking flower petals.

It was a date. It wasn't a date. It was. It wasn't. Was. Wasn't. Was. Wasn't. The petals seemed endless.

I never said date when I invited him. It never crossed my mind. I just wanted to chill out with him, and maybe teach him something in the meantime. And it was casual for the most part. Nothing "romantic" until... the accident.

Tch... he really had me in a state. Couldn't think. Couldn't speak. All I could do was lay there. I honestly thought he was gonna try and...

...hmph. Don't be stupid, Jean. Why would he want that? Though, if he did... I'd probably melt. He'd have to hold me up. Even the thought...

"Heh..." I giggled. My cheeks feel so warm. I'm playing with my hair again too.

A girl can dream, I guess. But if I ever do get to feel his lips on mine, I'll be the luckiest girl in the world.

I sighed. I can't stop thinking about him being on top of me. It was so weird. Such a vulnerable position, and I didn't mind at all. Well, maybe a little. Half and half. Ugh... I don't know. What I do know is that when he looked at me the way he did, it was as if the boring peace we work tirelessly to achieve was made real.

"Wow. Your eyes. They're beautiful."

I remember it like it just happened. The memory made my heart tingle. It's not just a dream. And I didn't need to wear makeup for it. That one compliment made the weird feelings worth it.

...why can't I sleep then? If I had such a good time, and he did too, why am I so caught up on this "date" thing?

What time is it now? 2:10?

I grumbled. I wish my thoughts would shut up and let me sleep. Maybe it's because in the back of my mind, I know it can't be the first time he's complimented a girl like that. I'm sure he's complimented Dunkerque tons. After all, she's way prettier than me. A lot of the girls here are. I know Richelieu said otherwise, but she was probably just being nice.

Jean, this isn't healthy.

It's true, though.

Beating yourself up won't solve anything. You know this.

Then why didn't he think it was a date? We were alone together. Isn't that a date?

I sighed. Even if it was, he didn't consider it one. I guess that's the root of the problem, huh?

"Ergh..." I grumbled, rubbing my eyes and yawning. This sucks. I feel tired, but I can't sleep. Stupid Commander. Did you say what you said out of impulse? Or was it never a date to begin with?

No! Cut the crap! What happened to not relying on anyone but yourself for strength? You're not a weak, whiny, mopey, insecure little girl. You are Jean Bart. Don't wait around for shit to happen! Make it happen!

Hmph... I gave myself that pep talk with such confidence. And I'm pretty much right where I started. Go figure. Easier said than done, though. How am I supposed to make things happen when it could ruin my relationship with the commander? I guess sleeping on his shoulder ain't a bad start, as Richelieu said. It's just... if I do something, I can only imagine some other girl's done the same thing, and better. It's less special. Hell, I'm sure he's kissed some shipgirls already. Or they've done the same to him, or snuck one in.