mental state

3. breakfest

"Ooo my mom made PANCAKESSS!" I love pancakes. It reminds me of my childhood.

Tay laughed a little and looked at me with a smile.
"How much do you want?"
"I'll have two."
I plated the pancakes and handed him the plate. We sat and ate. It felt nice. Like it was a little date.

"So do you often pass out from drugs?"
"This again? I told you Im fine"
He looked annoyed the smile from his face was gone. I felt bad for asking but i just couldnt stop myself.

"Look I'm sorry you had to see me like that. I did tell you to wait for me so..."
"So its my fault?!"
"No Im just saying you dont have to be so fucking worried and all that shit. This is all fake anyway so you can stop...."

What the hell.....I know this might be "fake" but having someone I care about go thru something like that still makes me worried.
"Alright then. Fuck your bet."
"What?"
He looked up at me with a confused face. I stood up and cleaned my plate.
"Fuck your bet. Im not gonna do this if I'll have to see you do dumb shit like that just bc you have a shitty life. We all have problems ok? And suprise suprise so do I, so I dont want another one by having this "fake" relashionship with you!"

Idk why i got so upset, but he just pisses me off.
"What the fuck?!"
He stood up and stormed over to me.
"Do you think acting like you care is going to make the problems go away? Do you think I stayed bc you asked me to? No I stayed bc I know everynight you cut yourself! Every night you cry and then afterwards go for a walk! I've watched you bc youre so fucking broken that you want to find other peoples problems and fix them, just to hide from your own problems!"
He yelled at me while backing me up to a wall.

"What the hell? You've been watching me?"

Tears started to pool in my eyes. Idk if i was scared and disgusted or if i was happy that someone knew.

"Yeah. And everytime I saw a creep approuch you on the street i stopped them before they could get to you. Everytime a rumor started about you at school on how you harm yourself for pleasure I made sure the one who started it would lose their tounge. I wanted to get close to you, cus youre just as broken as me!"

I pushed him away. "Fuck off." I sayd as I ran to my room crying. What the fuck just happend? I locked the door and crawled into bed. I heard him walk behing my door.

"Ally....I know you say you care but you just want to hide your own problems. Dont hide them. Share them with me and I'll help."

I heard him leave. I felt so sad and i didnt even know why. Im so confused. If hes so broken why does he want to help me? Im sad that he left. Even tho I was the one who told him to fuck off...

Half an hour later i heard someone enter the house. I ran out of my room hoping to see my mom.
"I went to get milk...."

It was Tay. I stood there in front of him. I was shaking for no reason and i felt like i was going to puke. He knows everything, i feel emotionally naked, i feel exposed.
He came over and hugged me. His embrace was warm and safe. I started crying again. I hated crying infront of people, but i just couldn't help it.
"Do you wanna sleep?"
He asked with a soft and quiet voice.
Without thinking I grabbed his face and kissed him. I wanted to forget the fact that i was emotionally exposed it felt wrong.

"What are you...." he mumbled. I kept kissing him and then suddenly he lifted me up. With my legs wrapped around him he walked into my room.
I just wanted to feel something else aside from the reality of both of our mental states.
He put me down onto the bed. Not once did we stop making out. With my hands i found his belt and started to unbuckle it. He started kissing my neck. My face was still red and puffy from crying. He took my hands from his belt.
"Stop. Can I do something?"

Without even questioning anything i just nodded. He continued  kissing me and then i felt his hand slip into my pj shorts. He found my wet lips and started to do a slow circling motion. His fingers were rough, it felt good.

A moan escaped from my lips. He slipped his finger in and started moving it meanwhile his thumb was rubbing my bean.
He started kissing my neck and then my hard nips thru my tank top. He stopped kissing my bodie and looked at my face. He put in another finger and started going faster in and out and the circling motion went faster aswell.

"Look at me." He commanded. I opened my eyes and saw his face. Those beautiful grey and dim eyes admiring my moaning face.

"Fuck" i moaned.
"Ahh yes mmmh" i felt my high coming.
He muffeld my last maon with a kiss as I came.
"Good girl" he wispered.

That was amazing. He layed a blanket onto me. My mind went blank and I fell asleep then and there.