mental state

5. before it hurts

I remember when i was fourteen and walking home from my bestfriends house. It was a beautiful night and the walk home should have been easy bc she lived pretty close to my house.

Out of no where a tall man stood infront of me. "Hey cutie, where you headed?"
I ignored him and kept walking. I felt my heart sink cus I've heard so many stories of little girls going missing while walking home and all that.

"Hey I'm talking to you!"
I didnt look back I was too scared.
I heard him picking up his pace so I started running. "I dont wanna die, I dont wanna die" i kept thinking. I didnt wanna run streight home cus what if sees where I live and then comes back.

I turned into another street. I kept running when suddenly i bumped into someone. It was a boy. He was taller than me and looked older.
"Whats wrong? Is he bothering you?" He asked while pointing at the man who had now stopped running and just stood there.

"Sorry my daughter and I are playing. So were good."
WHAT THE FUCK. I was so in shock he could say that, that I couldnt move or do anything. The boy looked at me and saw how scared I was.

"Why would you pretend to me her father you sick fuck?" He grabbed out a knife from his pocket and pushed me behing him.
"You leave her alone, or I'm gonna remove your balls from your bodie and then leave you here to die."

He sounded so scary
I was so happy that I had bumped into him at such a moment.

The man just turned around and ran away. Without saying a word or anything.
The boy turned around and put the knife away.

"Are you ok?"
I nodded
"Alright well, you should stay here for a little just in case he comes back ok. Afterwards I'll walk you home."
I nodded and he took my hand and we walked into this small house.
He told me his name was Jerome and that he's eighteen. He got me some hot coco and asked me a bunch of questions abt my age and where I live. He also mentioned several times how good and hot i looked. I shoul've realized that that was not ok.

It hurts me to talk or think abt, but later on, he tied me down and raped me. I remember crying and screaming for help. He was too strong for me to do anything so I just layd there. Wishing I was dead.

When he was done with me he just told me that it was all my fault and I was the one who came onto him. I never talked abt it to anyone, not even my mom. She was at work when i got home. I was too in shock to even care what had just happened. To this day I wonder what the fuck did I do to deserve this.

Later on a rumer spread across school on how I was a slut and that I'm an easy catch. I avoided any relasionship with men from there on. I didnt take the rumors to heart but my bestfriend did and cut all ties with me. I got called "whore", "slut", "bitch" on a daily basis. I acted tough infront of others but at home I shed so many tears and blood thinking that this is all my fault.

A year later I met a girl and she was the first persone who didn't know abt the rumors. Luckly they did cool down but the rumor wasnt completely gone it just changed a lot.
Bc she was the first persone in a year who I had gotten close to I developted feelings for her. And luckly she felt the same. We dated for abt four months but then she cheated on me.

So i think you could say by then I was so done with caring abt anything. I became more depressed and built even a taller and thicker wall between me and everyone around me.

The only persone who I wanted to know anything abt was Tay. I can't quite say why. He just reminded me of myself.  But I kept my distance. And so when he came to me with that offer, I took it bc it had been two years without any love any feelings and any anything.

Frankly i was bored and honestly before things turn to shit I'll just end it before it can hurt me.