mental state

12. I can still choose

I was once again laying in bed staring at the ceiling. Thinking about those words. Those words he sayd. It echod in my ears. I felt something cold rolling down my cheek. It was tears....I was crying. I had started crying without even noticing. Im so happy that someone cares, someone protects me. Its Tay, he is the one who cares. Holding onto to the promise I had made for him suddenly feels alot easier.

I decided to go for a walk. I put on some sneakers and went out. I had no destination, I just walked. I was breathing in the fresh summer air.  All Ive been doing for  half a month is work at the cafe. I havent met anyone new nor have I been to a party. Not that I used to party a lot before, I just kinda miss the feeling of amelessly jumping around in a crowd. Thoughtless and careless just the bass of the song thumping in my ears and heart. I miss that.

Without noticing I made it to the hill. Someone was sitting on the edge where me and Tay would usually sit. Is it Tay? I walked over and stopped a couple of meters before him. He looked so lonely, just sitting there all alone. But I was here to sit like that aswell, just as alone. I walked over to him and sat down about four feet from him. He was just staring at the city view. I dont think he even noticed me. "Mind if I sit here too?" I asked. He didnt turn his head to look at me, just kept staring at the view. He didnt answer either just looked forward. What is so beautiful about this small view onto our little city? I looked aswell. The sun had just set, so the city lights one after another light up. It looked cold. The sun set, giving a signal of quietness, but no, the city still wants to be awake.

I turned my head and looked at him. Hes staring at the ground now. What a strange figure. He looked about my age. His face gave off absolutely no emotions, just looked tired. "I know its none of my business but, are you ok?" He looked like he needed to hear that question bc now he turned his head. Finally seeing his whole face. The city lighst flickerd in his green eyes, his lips were bitten up and he had eyebags under his eyes. Its like he had never heard that question, he looked suprised. "What?" He asked me with the most sincere tone. We didnt stop looking at each other. He looked so beaten by life, like he was just kicked down but he didnt have the streanght to fight back. "You know, its fine to sometimes feel like nothing matters. Cus when someone enters your life or something good actually happens. It will feel a thousand times better than if you would care about everything thats going on." 

He turned his head away again. "Thats....not true." He sayd with a cold tone. "Ive felt like nothing matters for a long time now, everyone who enters, everything  supposedly good happening has changed nothing. In the end it all just gets worse." he sayd that while still looking at me. I didnt know how to answer to that. What has happend to him, that he cant even believe what I just sayd. I mean I was like this, and still am in a way. Now I have Tay, its easyer but all this still hurts. Is he right then? Will it really get worse after him? 

"Well at least I can still choose what to do next right." He stood up and started walking away. I jumped up and yelled after him:" Whats your name?" He didnt turn back and just ignored me. I didnt wanna chase after him, he seemd annoyed by the fact that I even asked. I could see that he wanted to be alone with his thoughts, even tho being alone with your thoughts usually doesnt end well.........

I watched him walk off down the other side of the hill. I didnt have the mood to sit here anymore either, so I walked off of the other side. The whole way I just stared at the ground, watching my feet lead me home. I thought about what he sayd, how it just always ends up getting worse no matter who or what happens. I made it home, mom is still at work. The house felt empty and big. I walked to my room. 

"Hey." That voice. That voice is the reason to feel happy. I turned my head and standing infront of me was Tay. My Tay. I quickly wrapped my hands around him and hugged him. That familiar smell, that same jacket and those same hands stroking my hair. "Hi." I sayd into his chest. I looked up and this time I knew I was crying. This time it was very much real. I was happy. Safe.