Chasing Air // Billie Eilish

Chapter 29

ELLIOT'S P.O.V

"No. I swear to God I had it when I was doing this at home, Finneas," I said frustratedly as I messed up the chord progression for "Honey" by Kehlani again.

He chuckled, shaking his head. "It's okay, Elliot. Take a deep breath, relax, and try again. You'll get it." I sighed before trying once more, getting it right that time. "See? Now try adding words. That's where it gets confusing."

I shook my head. "You don't wanna hear me sing, Fin."

"It doesn't have to be good. I just wanna see how you do."

I shook my head. "I'm being serious. I have no singing abilities whatsoever."

"And I'm being serious. I don't care. I literally just want to see if you can keep up playing and singing. I want you to see how damn frustrating it is."

"Oh my God. I've already done it, Finneas. A lot. I can do it."

"Then show me." He raised his eyebrows with a grin.

"I already told you I can do it but fine." I readjusted in my seat and started playing, making it through the whole song without messing up bad enough that I needed to stop and restart.

"I have no singing abilities whatsoever," he mocked. "Shut the fuck up."

The front door opened and a bag of Taki's hit me in the side of the head. "Bitch." Billie laughed and I set the guitar down, throwing the Taki's back. "Those are yours. I got them for you, hoe." She picked them up and tossed them to me once again.

"I'm probably concussed," I said, following her to the kitchen.

"You're such a baby," she replied with a scoff and jumped up onto the counter, her skirt coming up as she scooted forwards. I placed my hands on her thighs, pulling her skirt back down and then kissing her. Her style had been a little different recently but I wasn't complaining. It was hot.

-

"What do you mean you haven't—" Finneas started talking but he was quickly cut off.

"Shhh!" Billie sighed.

"My bad. What do you mean you haven't told her about tour? You realize we start in like a week, right? You have your first show in a week."

"Things have been hard, Fin—"

"Is she giving you trouble, Billie? You can't put yourself through another—"

"No," Billie said quickly. "She's not. Things have been great between us."

"Then what has been hard?"

"I can't really—it's just mental health stuff, you know. She hasn't personally been in the greatest place recently and tour is extremely overwhelming and stressful. I don't know how that's going to affect her. I don't know if she should come."

I bit my lip anxiously. Of course. There I was, fucking shit up again. Fuck. That was why. That was exactly why. That was why I should've jumped. It'd be so much easier, I thought. Tears pricked at my eyes and I made my way to the bathroom as my breathing quickly picked up. I knew what was coming. 13 days exactly. That's how long it had been since I had a panic attack. That was really, really good for me, but of course it didn't last. It never did.

-

Billie came to the rescue. Just like she always did. Just like she promised. She was always there for me. She did exactly what I needed her too even without me having to ask. And I needed to do the same for her.

"Can I talk to you for a second, El?" Billie said, loudly enough for me to here her from the bathroom.

"Yeah. One second, baby." I turned the water off and pulled my sleeves down. I couldn't recall a single time that I hadn't worn long sleeves in front of Billie. I was too embarrassed to show her my scars. I had a lot of them. Most of them were from self-harm, but those weren't the ones I was most embarrassed about. She was really understanding when it came to stuff like that. She wouldn't make fun of them the way Jeremiah would. I didn't think she would. I made my way into the room and fell onto the bed.

"Get on your side." She rolled over me and pushed me towards the wall.

"Okay. What'd you wanna talk about?"

"You might be mad," she warned, straddling me and lacing our fingers together.

"Okay."

She sighed, dropping her hands down to my stomach. "I have to go on tour. In a week."

I raised my eyebrows, pretending to be surprised by the news. "Oh."

"And I would love for you to come with me if you want to. Or you can stay here and I'll come see you on the off days that I have time to come back."

I bit my lip as I recalled her conversation with Finneas, just hours before. She didn't want me to come. I'd ruined it with my near suicide. At this point, I was just an embarrassing buzz kill.

"You don't have to decide whether you want to come or not now. You can wait if you want."

I didn't want to ruin her time on tour. It felt selfish to come along, so I didn't. "I think that I should probably stay here. I'm probably not in the best place mentally to come with you," I said, trying to recall her words from earlier that day.

"I understand." She slid her hands under my shirt, causing the area between my thighs to heat up. Her hands were cold and I was painfully aware of the feeling of them on my body. She leaned down to kiss me and I grabbed her wrists, pulling her hands out from under my shirt and getting up to turn the lights off. "Are you sure you don't want to go to the doctor for your panic attacks? They might be able to give you medicine that will help you, baby."

I shook my head, laying back down. "I'm good."

"Hey, what if I dyed my hair?"

"What color?" I wondered out loud as I laid my head on her stomach.

"Hm... if I did it, I wouldn't tell you what color."

"Well, when would you do it?"

"Like really soon because I'm about to go on tour and I want it done before then."

"If you want to, I'm definitely here for it." I laughed, trying to imagine her with any other hair color besides black and green. I was just so used to it. It'd definitely be strange to see a change.